One of the most unspoken challenges of entering a new relationship is getting other people to like you.
Namely, your new partner's family and friends.
With the hope that this relationship might last for many years, if not the rest of your life, you will want to hit it off with your new partner's friends, and hopefully become part of the group, as it were.
Redditor Similar-Put1285 seemed to hit it off with the friends of her current boyfriend, who's child she also happened to be carrying.
But after a recent group outing went sour, the original poster (OP) began to feel much less secure in her place in the group.
Worried that she might have overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not wanting to go to dinner after my boyfriend's friends removed me from their photo?"
The OP explained how a moment of exclusion left her feeling uncertain about her relationship with her boyfriend's friends, and possibly her boyfriend as well.
"I'm 36 weeks pregnant and my boyfriend is really into drag racing."
"Occasionally we go up to the track to watch them and his friends along with their girlfriends attend."
"My boyfriend and his guy friends head off into the pits to look at cars and what not so I stay on the bench with the girls."
"My feet are really swollen, it's super hot and I'm dying a little I feel like and I'm ready to go home anyways."
"Well the girlfriends all decided they want to take a group photo."
"They set it up so that all of us are in the picture and I'm seated at the end."
"We are getting ready to leave to go to dinner and I needed to use the restroom so I go."
"When I return my boyfriend mentioned he saw the group photo but was curious where I was in it."
"I told him I was sitting at the end."
"He showed me the photo they had posted and they cropped me out of it."
"I was really hurt by this."
"My boyfriend ended up asking them why they took me out and they told him that 'I didn't look like I fit in the picture'."
"'They were all dressed a certain way and I made the picture look off'."
"That gutted me even more when he told me on the ride to the restaurant."
"I was near in tears and told him I didn't want to go in and wanted him to take me home."
"He was upset and told me not to take it so personally and that they weren't my friends anyway and I could go just be with him."
"That hurt me even more and I said a few mean words to him about choosing them over me."
"I ended up being taken home and he's still mad at me."
"AITA here?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Everyone agreed that the OP's behavior was justified, and she was in no way the a**hole for not wanting to join the group after they cropped her out of the picture.
Everyone agreed that cropping the OP out of the picture was a very mean thing to do, and the OP's boyfriend only made the situation worse, with many urging her to end the relationship.
"NTA."
"They did a hurtful thing."
"It's completely fair not to want to spend any more time with them."
"Your boyfriend should be taking your side."- T3HN3RDY1
"NTA."
"I hate to tell you but your boyfriend is selfish."
"He's overlooking your own comfort and needs including your feelings."
"You should not be subjected to sit in the heat and be guilted into going to a restaurant with him."
"He should be empathetic to you."
"He just shown you where his priorities are."
"And forget those girls."
"I wouldn't want to be pictured with a mob of the likes of them, pregnant or not."- stacity
"NTA and wtf is wrong with your bf."- bmorebecc
"You're having his baby and he treats you and allows others to treat you this way?"
"He's going to find parenting hard as it's not about him."- EsjaeW
"NTA."
"He should've had your back after they did that it's not OK."
"He has no reason to be mad at you."- PrincessOfHell13
"NTA but your bf def is."
"Not only did he not defend u, he said they're not ur friends?"
"Yikes."
"Why would you want to hang out with ppl who very clearly don't have any interest in being kind to you."- Whtmidoingwthmylife
"NTA."
"Your bf and his 'friends' are though."
"It's really sad you are pregnant with his child and he allows his 'friends' to treat you that way."
"Then has the audacity to be mad at you when you tell him you are upset and uncomfortable being around them."
"Definitely NTA."
"Your bf is being an insensitive jerk who is enabling his friends to treat you disrespectfully."
"This is a definite red flag and warning for possible things to come."- MainEgg320
"NTA."
"You're 36 weeks pregnant and your hormones are in overdrive."
"If course you're going to be offended that you were cropped out of a group photo because you didn't fit some random aesthetic the others were feeling at the time."
"You are busy literally growing another human inside of you."
"Your body has more important things to do than look like arm candy."
"Those women were rude as f*ck to exclude you simply because of that."
"Your BF should have understood and not asked you to suck it up and pretend they hadn't gone out of their way to make you feel unwelcome."
"If any of those girls are ever fortunate enough to have a baby, they'll learn how horrible they were being first hand."- cheekmo_52
"NTA."
"You only went to this event because your bf enjoys it, you were treated rudely, and somehow he's angry with you?"- TemptingPenguin369
"NTA."
"Your boyfriend's job is to stand by you and protect you."
"He belittled you and punished you for having valid feelings."
"He should have been pissed and said something."
"Not a good sign for your future together."- tatersprout
"NTA and totally understandable that you'd want to go home, with or without the emotional toil, but you should talk to your boyfriend about how you're feeling, if you haven't already."
"Is it possible your boyfriend isn't really mad at you?"
"Is he referring to his friends or the girlfriends?"
"If he's just referring to the girlfriends, he's right."
"They aren't your friends and you don't need to give a sh*t what they think of you."
"Are they even his friends?"
"Or just his friends' girlfriends?"
"Do you really feel like he was choosing them over you or was that something you said in the moment because you were upset and wanted to leave?"
"Understandable either way, but it seems like he did want you there with him."
"Maybe I'm just giving him the benefit of the doubt or I'm misinterpreting, more info would be necessary to be more sure as this is just speculation."
"Regardless, my verdict, for all its worth, stands."- Mission_Low_3927
"Sis, I wasted YEARS of my life trying to make friendship work with people like these ladies because they were my husband's friends wives."
"In my case, I wasn't Christian enough for them."
"Just quit while you are ahead."
"They are not worth one more minute of your time."
"People like this, you can bend over backward until the cows come home but it won't change their cliquiness."
"As for your boyfriend, he is so full of it."
"Boo hoo."
"His plans changed."
"His 36 week pregnant girl friend just put herself through hell for him physically all day and now he's upset because she doesn't want to get dinner with his friends wives who treated her like crap."
"He can cry me a river."
"Your boyfriend has a lot of growing up to do."- Avoidingthecrap
"NTA."
"Holy f*ck."- maexx80
"No, you're NTA."
"What they did was wrong and hurtful, and anyone with even a smidgen of empathy would know that."
"It is not reasonable for your boyfriend to make you go to a dinner with AHs who did that."
"As your boyfriend he should have refused to go to dinner with them too."
"He's an AH."- witcher_rat
It's hard to imagine how the OP's boyfriend thought telling her that the women who so rudely cropped her out of the picture "weren't her friends" would make her feel better.
One could argue that maybe the OP doesn't want to be associated with insensitive people like this.
But, considering the OP and her boyfriend are having a child together, one hopes they might be able to smooth things over.
And hopefully, the OP will get a sincere apology from her boyfriend and his friends.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.