Couples don’t necessarily have to share all the same interests in order to be in a successful relationship.
But it helps.
Redditor TheTiniestAtom is a woman whose boyfriend won’t accommodate her on outings and his lack of interest is starting to take a toll on their relationship. When she went with an alternative, it was met with an accusation that didn’t sit well with her.
So she turned to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for going on ‘dates’ with my guy friends while having a boyfriend?”
The Original Poster (OP) started her post about how she came to acquiring her circle of friends.
“I’m (25 f[emale]) working towards a masters degree in computer science and working in the field as well.”
“Throughout my uni years, I sadly wasn’t really able to aquire a lot of female friends, which is pretty common, I think, since this is such a male dominated area, and girls are pretty rare.”
“This has led to my friend group almost exclusively consisting of men.”
“My bf (25 m[ale]) and I have been official for around 8 months now and I love him too pieces. When we first started dating I talked to him about how he felt that I have so many male friends, he said he doesn’t mind and he trusts me.”
“He has a lot of female friends as well.”
“While my bf is a fantastic, adorable person, he is more on the lazy side.”
“His main free time activities are smoking weed and playing video games, which I really don’t mind, but it’s quite hard to motivate him for activities besides watching Netflix together and having sex.”
“Whenever we’re going on trips or just generally going out, I have to be the one who initiates and plans it. He needs to be told to take me out on valentines day, and I’ll mostly make reservations and pay. There just isn’t a lot of initiative coming from him.”
“I’m very into art, music, nature, history and stuff like this, and I have a lot of friends that are too. I’ve recently noticed my bf getting grumpy when I tell him about plans I have with my guy friends, like going to a museum, an art exhibit or to the movies.
“I asked him whats wrong and that I thought he was okay with me having many male friends. He says he’s totally cool with it, but that these are ‘date activities’ that I should experience with him and not with my friends.”
“I told him I’d love to, but that he’d have to take me out on a date once in a while if he wants to experience these things with me.”
The boyfriend’s lack of communication skills was another problematic tendency.
“One time, I told him I’m going to see a movie with my friend and he got a little angry, saying he wanted to see that movie for a while- but he never mentioned that to me, or proposed the idea of seeing it together.”
“He says if I want to do something like that, I just need to tell him and he’ll come with me, that he can’t read my mind.”
“But that’s kind of besides the point. When I want to do something specific, he’s always my top priority to come with me. Most of the time he either doesn’t want to, or he accompanies me but isn’t really into it and I feel bad for dragging him with me.”
“But if a friend texts me ‘do you want to see that cool band that’s in town tonight’ I’m not going to say ‘sure but let me ask my boyfriend first, maybe he wants to take me there as a date.'”
“I don’t know, I’m on the fence. On one hand I’m thinking ‘you can’t keep me from experiencing cool things just so you don’t feel inadequate’ and on the other hand I’m afraid that I’m really crossing a line here and that it’s not appropriate to go to museums, cinemas and concerts with my male friends, because these are admittedly date-like activities.”
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
This Redditor said the OP’s boyfriend was “just jealous but too lazy to do anything about it” and added:
“OP, you need to tell him to start taking some initiative. Do you want to spend your whole life with (and potentially have kids with) someone that never asks you to do anything but chill at home?”
“This is something to address now and not after y’all move in together/get married/have kids. I’m not saying break up by any means, but you need to tell him what you need in the relationship.” – justauser34
“Oooh, yeah think about the future if you want to have kids with this man.”
“If he needs you to plan everything and do all of the setup for something as simple as a date, how much work do you think he’ll put into childcare?”
“He sounds like he’ll be one of those dads who sits around doing nothing then when called on it he says, ‘I would have helped if you’d asked for it, I can’t read your mind,’ as if the screaming child wasn’t indication enough that something needed to be done.” – cynicallycharged
This Redditor identified the root of the problem and also reminded the OP that “date-like” outings can just be outings.
“I mean, anything can be a ‘date like thing’ if you do it with someone you’re interested in.”
“But that would rule out almost any activity OP can do with her friends? I go out for coffee, beers, to the cinema, to concerts, white water rafting, you name it, one on one with straight male friends.”
“And I’m in a ‘real monogamous’ relationship. My partner does the same with his female friends.”
“Just because an activity can be a date doesn’t mean it is, and honestly if OPs bf wants to have those experiences with OP then he needs to be proactive about it.”
“It is a communication problem, but only on his part. He’s not insane for it, just a little jealous, but that’s also not healthy and shouldn’t be the standard for relationships.” – its_all_relativity
“Idk, it sounds like this logic works.”
“‘I went to the movies with my friend whose a girl.’ – Not a date.”
“‘I went to the movies with my friend whose a guy.” – Suddenly a date?'”
“No.” – bornbrews
This Redditor observed the issue using an interesting perspective.
“Dude if she were bi, would that suddenly give the bf an excuse to be upset any time she did something 1:1 with literally anyone else? Hell no.”
“A relationship is built on trust. If he can’t trust her to just be friends with someone, idk why he’s even dating her.”
“Also he sounds like someone who needs to put a little more effort into the relationship in general. I’ve dated that guy who doesn’t plan anything, and it is quite sh**ty.” – thefreakyorange
This person who identifies as bi said that it all boils down to a trust issue.
“For a second I forgot that not everyone’s bisexual. Wack. But I am, and my partner is too, and here’s what this logic means for us: neither of us can do anything one-on-one with any person of any gender, because we could be ‘attracted’ to them.”
“And, I’m sorry, f*k that! They’re my friends. I’m gonna get dinner with them and see movies with them and do things with them (obviously all in ‘the before time,’ pre-[virus]). My partner does the same and I’m glad! Friends are wonderful.”
“Being uncomfortable about one-on-one dates isn’t about the ‘risk’ that you find your male friends attractive. It’s about trust. And communication is fucking key.” – skyisfallen
It seems like self-isolation will continue to work well for him once the pandemic is over, but his girlfriend? Not so much.