Not everyone has the same understanding of what the term "borrow" is.
When someone allows you to borrow something of theirs, it is on the understanding that it will be returned, and in the condition it was delivered.
Most of the time, when people borrow things belonging to others, they make sure to return it to them on the agreed-upon date, or as soon as they are able, taking extremely good care of the item, regardless of its value or meaning to the owner.
Others tend to be shockingly casual about it, never worrying for a second about returning the item, and handling it with little to no care, ignoring any possible wear and tear the borrowed item might endure.
Redditor Glittering_Site8365 was more than happy to lend a beloved item of hers to her stepdaughter, believing that her stepdaughter could now put it to better use than she could, and also feeling it was strengthening their relationship.
However, on the most recent occasion the original poster (OP)'s daughter borrowed the item, it came back in a significantly altered state.
Resulting in the OP making a demand of her stepdaughter.
After being scolded by her husband for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for asking my stepdaughter to pay me back for my dress?"
The OP explained why they felt their stepdaughter needed to literally pay for the state of the dress she borrowed:
"I have a daughter Ava 18 F[emale] and a stepdaughter Mia 22 F[emale]."
"Mia's mom has primary custody of her, so I only saw her for a few weekends a year growing up, however she went to college near me and my husband, so we are a lot closer now."
"I have a job at a big fashion company, and we get clothing for free, like if it didn't sell or sample pieces and the rest is donated."
"When I first started, I got a beautiful silk mini dress that I love and have kept it in very good condition."
"After having my kids, it is more of a tight fit so I usually pick something more comfortable."
"It fits Ava perfectly, and she borrows that dress all the time and it looks great on her."
"Mia asked me to borrow the mini dress for a wedding, and I let her."
"She came over yesterday for dinner and showed us pictures of her at the wedding, and she looked stunning, but I noticed she had altered the dress."
"Mia is much shorter than me and Ava, so the dress when she tried it on in front of me was knee length on her, however at the time she insisted it was fine."
"In the pictures it is a mini dress, which is how it sits on me and Ava."
"Mia admitted that she got home and preferred how it looks on Ava, so it got altered, however she didn't cut the fabric off, just hemmed it so I should be able to get the dress back, after picking out the stitches."
"I got upset at Mia, and when she handed me the dress, it would be very hard to get the dress back to its original state."
"Taking out the stitches could leave holes in the silk and the dress fits more like a long top now."
"I asked Mia to reimburse me for the dress, and told her I was upset she had stitched and altered it without asking me before."
"She said she didn't know that she couldn't stitch silk and it was an accident."
"My husband said Mia made a mistake and asking her to reimburse me for the dress that I got for free, which at its original price is a lot more than she can afford as a college student."
"He said I didn't shouldn't have let her borrow it if the dress meant so much to me."
"I accounted for Mia spilling something on the dress or getting it dirty, but I don't think it was fair of her to alter it without asking me, and I can't wear it as a dress anymore."
"I am quite upset about the dress, so maybe asking her to pay full price is too much, but she is an adult and it wouldn't be fair of me to treat her like a child."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for asking her stepdaughter to reimburse her for her dress.
Just about everyone agreed that borrowing the OP's dress did not give Mia permission to alter it, and since she altered it beyond repair, reimbursement was the only logical consequence:
"NTA."
"She's 22 and it's common sense to ask before altering borrowed clothes."- PotentialityKnocks
"NTA."
"She is an adult at 22."
"She borrowed something and through her own actions cannot return it in the same condition it was given to her."
"Common curtesy and common sense is that she replaces the item."
"She shouldn't necessarily have to give you the cash."
"But she should make an effort to resolve the problem as best as possible and get you a replacement at the very least."
"I'm kind of amazed at the cluelessness that she had it altered without asking you, and then that she was going to give it back still altered."
"Ask to borrow her car, then give it back to her without doors and with a broken windshield."-I_Will_in_Me_Hole
"Your stepdaughter is responsible for returning the dress to you in the condition she borrowed it."
"How she does that is up to her."
"She can buy a new one."
"She can hire a tailor who can find a way to embroider around silk damage."
"She can breed silkworms herself."
"She can get a first level cleric or wizard to cast the Mend cantrip on it."
"But she needs to fix it."
"Doesn't matter how."
"But at the end of the process, you need to have an object equivalent to the one you lent her."
"NTA."- IanDOsmond
"NTA."
"I think it's best never to let Mia borrow anything again."- SweetBekki
"NTA."
"The wild thing about this is /and what makes you NTA that as a 22yo, you have to know that it is incredibly disrespectful to even try giving something back that you borrowed for free without the object being in the same condition you got it in."
"She altered it without even trying to restore it."
"I have no idea what is wrong with the people on reddit, it doesn't change anything that you got it for free."
"The value of the dress stays the same."
"She intentionally damaged it, did not try to correct it, and expected you to be fine with it."
"The disrespect of your property is the main issue here; please don't listen to the people who expect you to be a doormat in front of extreme disrespect."- Marvinzum
"NTA."
"What she did wasn't an accident."
"It was a deliberate choice."
"There IS a difference."
"One happens unexpectedly, the other is PLANNED."
"She should've asked permission, and there's no excuse for that."
"'I didn't know' is not an excuse."
"While it's true that the dress didn't cost you anything - that doesn't change the fact that this was your property, and she destroyed it."
"It's not something that you can go out and replace."
"I don't know that making her pay for it is 'worth' the damage it will do to your relationships - both with her and with your husband tho."
"If it were me, I would use it as a teachable moment, express your disappointment in her poor decision making, and keep this in mind if she ever asks to borrow anything again."- TrainingDearest
However, a few wondered if reimbursement was an appropriate punishment, even if they agreed that it was wrong for Mia to alter the dress without permission and that consequences were deserved.
"Just because she didn't know you can't stitch silk doesn't make it OK for her to take it upon herself to alter your property without consulting you first."
"This is non-negotiable."
"Just no."
"That being said, asking for reimbursement for something you got for free doesn't sound right, either, but of course you are angry, who wouldn't be?"
"Whether she can afford it or not is irrelevant, and your husband should stay out of it."
"She ruined something both expensive and much loved."
"Let her find a tailor who can fix it, and pay for the repairs."
"I may be wrong, but I think little holes in the silk from the stitching may be steamed out, with some careful, time-consuming work — but god help Mia if she tries to cut corners and do it herself."
"It has to be done by a professional who has experience with high-end designer apparel."
"It will cost her, but not as much as the full retail price of the dress."
"I give it a provisional NAH, in the hopes both the dress and the relationship can be fixed."- Content-Plenty-268
It's easy to understand why Mia assumed altering the dress to fit her more properly wouldn't be an issue, as she wears it much more often these days than the OP.
That being said, clothes can often have sentimental value, hence why people keep certain items in their closets, even if they will never wear them again.
Something Mia should have considered before altering the OP's dress.
Indeed, the amount Mia will have to reimburse the OP won't come close to how much the OP valued the dress herself.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp