Not everyone has the same understanding of what the term “borrow” is.
When someone allows you to borrow something of theirs, it is on the understanding that it will be returned, and in the condition it was delivered.
Most of the time, when people borrow things belonging to others, they make sure to return it to them on the agreed-upon date, or as soon as they are able, taking extremely good care of the item, regardless of its value or meaning to the owner.
Others tend to be shockingly casual about it, never worrying for a second about returning the item, and handling it with little to no care, ignoring any possible wear and tear the borrowed item might endure.
Redditor Glittering_Site8365 was more than happy to lend a beloved item of hers to her stepdaughter, believing that her stepdaughter could now put it to better use than she could, and also feeling it was strengthening their relationship.
However, on the most recent occasion the original poster (OP)’s daughter borrowed the item, it came back in a significantly altered state.
Resulting in the OP making a demand of her stepdaughter.
After being scolded by her husband for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for asking my stepdaughter to pay me back for my dress?”
The OP explained why they felt their stepdaughter needed to literally pay for the state of the dress she borrowed:
“I have a daughter Ava 18 F[emale] and a stepdaughter Mia 22 F[emale].”
“Mia’s mom has primary custody of her, so I only saw her for a few weekends a year growing up, however she went to college near me and my husband, so we are a lot closer now.”
“I have a job at a big fashion company, and we get clothing for free, like if it didn’t sell or sample pieces and the rest is donated.”
“When I first started, I got a beautiful silk mini dress that I love and have kept it in very good condition.”
“After having my kids, it is more of a tight fit so I usually pick something more comfortable.”
“It fits Ava perfectly, and she borrows that dress all the time and it looks great on her.”
“Mia asked me to borrow the mini dress for a wedding, and I let her.”
“She came over yesterday for dinner and showed us pictures of her at the wedding, and she looked stunning, but I noticed she had altered the dress.”
“Mia is much shorter than me and Ava, so the dress when she tried it on in front of me was knee length on her, however at the time she insisted it was fine.”
“In the pictures it is a mini dress, which is how it sits on me and Ava.”
“Mia admitted that she got home and preferred how it looks on Ava, so it got altered, however she didn’t cut the fabric off, just hemmed it so I should be able to get the dress back, after picking out the stitches.”
“I got upset at Mia, and when she handed me the dress, it would be very hard to get the dress back to its original state.”
“Taking out the stitches could leave holes in the silk and the dress fits more like a long top now.”
“I asked Mia to reimburse me for the dress, and told her I was upset she had stitched and altered it without asking me before.”
“She said she didn’t know that she couldn’t stitch silk and it was an accident.”
“My husband said Mia made a mistake and asking her to reimburse me for the dress that I got for free, which at its original price is a lot more than she can afford as a college student.”
“He said I didn’t shouldn’t have let her borrow it if the dress meant so much to me.”
“I accounted for Mia spilling something on the dress or getting it dirty, but I don’t think it was fair of her to alter it without asking me, and I can’t wear it as a dress anymore.”
“I am quite upset about the dress, so maybe asking her to pay full price is too much, but she is an adult and it wouldn’t be fair of me to treat her like a child.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for asking her stepdaughter to reimburse her for her dress.
Just about everyone agreed that borrowing the OP’s dress did not give Mia permission to alter it, and since she altered it beyond repair, reimbursement was the only logical consequence:
“NTA.”
“She’s 22 and it’s common sense to ask before altering borrowed clothes.”- PotentialityKnocks
“NTA.”
“She is an adult at 22.”
“She borrowed something and through her own actions cannot return it in the same condition it was given to her.”
“Common curtesy and common sense is that she replaces the item.”
“She shouldn’t necessarily have to give you the cash.”
“But she should make an effort to resolve the problem as best as possible and get you a replacement at the very least.”
“I’m kind of amazed at the cluelessness that she had it altered without asking you, and then that she was going to give it back still altered.”
“Ask to borrow her car, then give it back to her without doors and with a broken windshield.”-I_Will_in_Me_Hole
“Your stepdaughter is responsible for returning the dress to you in the condition she borrowed it.”
“How she does that is up to her.”
“She can buy a new one.”
“She can hire a tailor who can find a way to embroider around silk damage.”
“She can breed silkworms herself.”
“She can get a first level cleric or wizard to cast the Mend cantrip on it.”
“But she needs to fix it.”
“Doesn’t matter how.”
“But at the end of the process, you need to have an object equivalent to the one you lent her.”
“NTA.”- IanDOsmond
“NTA.”
“I think it’s best never to let Mia borrow anything again.”- SweetBekki
“NTA.”
“The wild thing about this is /and what makes you NTA that as a 22yo, you have to know that it is incredibly disrespectful to even try giving something back that you borrowed for free without the object being in the same condition you got it in.”
“She altered it without even trying to restore it.”
“I have no idea what is wrong with the people on reddit, it doesn’t change anything that you got it for free.”
“The value of the dress stays the same.”
“She intentionally damaged it, did not try to correct it, and expected you to be fine with it.”
“The disrespect of your property is the main issue here; please don’t listen to the people who expect you to be a doormat in front of extreme disrespect.”- Marvinzum
“NTA.”
“What she did wasn’t an accident.”
“It was a deliberate choice.”
“There IS a difference.”
“One happens unexpectedly, the other is PLANNED.”
“She should’ve asked permission, and there’s no excuse for that.”
“‘I didn’t know’ is not an excuse.”
“While it’s true that the dress didn’t cost you anything – that doesn’t change the fact that this was your property, and she destroyed it.”
“It’s not something that you can go out and replace.”
“I don’t know that making her pay for it is ‘worth’ the damage it will do to your relationships – both with her and with your husband tho.”
“If it were me, I would use it as a teachable moment, express your disappointment in her poor decision making, and keep this in mind if she ever asks to borrow anything again.”- TrainingDearest
However, a few wondered if reimbursement was an appropriate punishment, even if they agreed that it was wrong for Mia to alter the dress without permission and that consequences were deserved.
“Just because she didn’t know you can’t stitch silk doesn’t make it OK for her to take it upon herself to alter your property without consulting you first.”
“This is non-negotiable.”
“Just no.”
“That being said, asking for reimbursement for something you got for free doesn’t sound right, either, but of course you are angry, who wouldn’t be?”
“Whether she can afford it or not is irrelevant, and your husband should stay out of it.”
“She ruined something both expensive and much loved.”
“Let her find a tailor who can fix it, and pay for the repairs.”
“I may be wrong, but I think little holes in the silk from the stitching may be steamed out, with some careful, time-consuming work — but god help Mia if she tries to cut corners and do it herself.”
“It has to be done by a professional who has experience with high-end designer apparel.”
“It will cost her, but not as much as the full retail price of the dress.”
“I give it a provisional NAH, in the hopes both the dress and the relationship can be fixed.”- Content-Plenty-268
It’s easy to understand why Mia assumed altering the dress to fit her more properly wouldn’t be an issue, as she wears it much more often these days than the OP.
That being said, clothes can often have sentimental value, hence why people keep certain items in their closets, even if they will never wear them again.
Something Mia should have considered before altering the OP’s dress.
Indeed, the amount Mia will have to reimburse the OP won’t come close to how much the OP valued the dress herself.