If you get along well with your in-laws, you should consider yourself fortunate.
While your spouse's parents don't alway intend for the things they say and do to get on your very last nerve, they still sometimes manage to make that happen.
*sometimes*
There are the in-laws, however, who fully intend to make you regret you ever married their offspring.
Enter Redditor Top_Attitude_6425 whose mother-in-law put some extra-extra spicy chicken in her meal fully aware of her extreme intolerance to heat.
The Redditor reacted by dumping a milkshake on her mother-in-law's head and was told she went too far, so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor Top_Attitude_6425 asked:
"AITAH for considering what my MIL did assault and pouring a milkshake on her as a reaction?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My MIL and I don't get along."
"I know she doesn't approve but thankfully my husband is on my side."
"We recently saw his side of the family for an outing and ended up eating at a hot chicken place."
"MIL likes food really hot."
"She usually gets things as hot as they can make them and then says they could be hotter."
"Her fave meals are ones she seems to be struggling to swallow."
"you get the picture."
"I'm a baby when it comes to spice and MIL seems to judge me as being picky."
"At the restaurant you had the option of picking your spice level, so I picked 'lite mild' and she picked 'reaper.'"
"While we were eating I bit into a tender and my mouth exploded."
"It was one of the worst pains of my life and i began yelling for water, which was embarrassing since we were in public."
"My husband couldn't figure out what was wrong but I saw his stepdad and aunt smirking at each other and MIL looking pleased with herself."
"When I could finally speak I said I know you did it, and she admitted to switching one of our tenders."
"My husband began screaming at her and I saw red."
"I said what she did was assault and if she ever f**ked with me again I'd call the cops."
"I said I'm not here for her amusement but because her son loves me, and then I was like oh so you like pranks and poured a vanilla milkshake on her."
"MIL had no reaction to getting doused in a milkshake, but to be fair she has almost no reaction to anything ever."
"I probably could have socked her and she wouldn't have reacted."
"There was a lot of laughter from the table, but after the fact I heard some people felt I went too far or that I'm crazy."
Redditors weighed in on the situation, and most decided OP was NTA ("not the a**hole").
Many commented that MIL's "prank" was not in the least bit funny - borderline criminal, in fact - and she deserved every ounce of milkshake poured on her head.
"NTA"
"MIL is psycho."
"People may not know this, but people who are not used to hot food can actually become very ill after a stunt like this."
"This would have given me massive cramps, and I may even have fainted and been in pain for several days."
"She knew damn well you didn't eat spicy food and she pulls this stunt."
"It is an assult."
"And the fact that she had no reaction to the whole thing… she is psycho" - HereWeGoAgain-1979
"NTA reapers aren't just spicy; they are among the highest on the Scoville heat scale."
"It might have been less bad if it was just a normal hot chicken wing, but this is challenge-level insane." - Quick-Strength4023
"It is rarely funny or done a joke."
"Tampering with food is wrong."
"I would have let her taste ghosted pepper in her eyes." - enkilekee
"NTA"
"It is actually assault."
"Any unwilling action against a person's body is assault."
"People have allergic reactions to spicy food all the time."
"Some people are hospitalized because they can't breathe."
"Some have actually died."
"It wasn't funny in any way." - Reddit User
"NTA. Despite what people are saying here, in some states/cases, tampering with food is actually considered assault and a crime."
"Although to be fair, I'm not sure if what she did would really fall under that category."
"But it was still highly inappropriate and getting a cold drink poured on her actually seems pretty mild compared to what she did to you." - Ok-Historian5411
"Gonna go against the grain and say NTA."
"No, it's not assault, but I think the reaction was warranted."
"Some people REALLY hate spice, and some even have allergic reactions."
"She had no idea if you were the former or the latter."
"So pouring a milkshake was relatively harmless." - the_purple_goat
"NTA. I can't even eat black pepper, and my husband eats all the hottest anyplace can give him."
"I have asthma and cannot even breathe the vapors when he cooks, so your MIL is a POS." - Sufficient-Bar-7399
"NTA. She could have made you seriously sick."
"Spicy food is not for everyone." - CarrotNew4835
"Also going against the grain here but NTA."
"Your MIL is a self-centered jerk."
"Contrary to what others are saying people who are sensitive to spice can, in fact, find it very painful."
"Also, depending on where you live, adulterating someone's food is a crime." - SeaOk7514
"Tampering with people's food is a form of assault, and a reaper-level spice could cause people to become violently ill."
"Going forward I would never share a meal with these idiots. NTA" - TexasTeacher
"NTA, I know if that was done to me, I would have stomach issues all night and possibly the next day too."
"Did you dump the milkshake on her head?"
"I think she deserves it, jokes where people get hurt are not funny."
"Now she knows not to mess with you as you will give it right back to her." - 18k_gold
"NTA."
"In all seriousness, is she a sociopath?"
"Her lack of reactions gave me that idea."
"You didn't go too far, and you didn't overreact."
"MIL is evil" - Possible-Process5723
Others urged OP to cut all ties with her in-laws.
"NTA. Cut them off." - mehlol42
"NTA!! I would consider that assault."
"She deserved a milkshake bath."
"Hopefully your husband goes no contact with her after this stunt!"
"I wouldn't allow her around my children either because she is not a safe person." - Vicious_Lilliputian
"NTA, but Op, what is it going to take for you to stop entertaining these people ?"
"You don't want them to win ? I get that."
"Then tell your husband that you're done and mean it; otherwise you're just letting them have their way anyway."
"The only thing they want more than you gone is to have an avenue to humiliate you."
"'Husband, my food was intentionally tampered with in public for no reason other than to hurt me.'"
"'Shouting at MIL afterwards doesn't stop that behaviour from happening, it doesn't wind back time.'"
"'I will never put myself in that situation again, so from today I will not spend my time around these people again.'"
"'If you choose to have a relationship with people that wilfully choose to publicly humiliate and hurt me - your wife - you are communicating to me and everyone around us that you are okay with this happening.'"
"'I do not want a marriage where my husband subjects me that kind of treatment and I do not wish to raise kids around people like that.'" - sanguinepsychologist
"NTA"
"But until your husband actually stops having her in your and his lives, he isn't actually defending or protecting you."
"Words obviously aren't doing anything, but he would rather keep the peace at your expense." - star_b_nettor
"NTA food tampering is a crime."
"I probs would've smacked her but milkshake was a good move (sad you didn't get to have it though)"
"Please tell your husband you're done with family gatherings."
"It's abusive now" - Chaoticgood790
"'She has no reaction to anything.'"
"OP I'm concerned."
"I have a saying."
"I came up with it from living with my mom and experiencing a number of interactions she had: Never play a game of Who's Crazy with someone unless you're absolutely sure you're the craziest mother f**ker there."
"You are not the craziest mother f**ker there. This is not a normal person."
"You've probably never dealt with someone like this."
"This person is not safe for you to be around."
"This transcends any a**hole paradigm." - bendybiznatch
"Nope NTA."
"MIL started it knowing you were not able to deal with the spice."
"She was deliberate and trying to humiliate you in front of your husband and the rest of the family."
"As for pouring the milkshake over her, I understand why you did it but can't say that I overly agree with it."
"You essentially reacted to violence' with 'violence.'"
"You allowed her to get you and you rose to the bait and thereby amused all of the flying monkeys in his family."
"Frankly seems like it's time for NC."
"If there is a family group chat of some form send a text stating that your MILs sabotaging your food to make you look like the bad person was the last straw."
"You and hubby will no longer remain in contact with her and anyone in her family who either agrees with or supports her."
"Your future children will have no contact with them as well."
"The only way this will be lifted is if MIL publicly apologizes for her mistreatment of you." - FitzDesign
It seems that her fellow Redditors believe the best course of action is to stop interacting with her in-laws in any capacity.
Subjecting herself to humiliation - and now actual physical pain - is not worth trying to appease those who only want to hurt her.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp