Respect is not reserved just for other people.
We respect boundaries, time, and feelings whenever possible.
So what happens when you open your space to someone and respect is not offered in return?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) rachel348756 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for kicking my BIL's entire family out, which made them homeless, after they slowly destroyed my home?"
The setting.
"My husband's brother, 35m, his wife, 26f, and two boys (4 & 3) moved in with me and my husband (both 30) last month because they got evicted."
"I never wanted them here in the first place due to past issues, but after speaking with my husband, we decided for the sake of the young children to give them a place to stay."
The problem.
"Before they moved in, we set some ground rules such as my BIL must be actively job searching and that they must RESPECT our space and clean up after themselves."
"Unfortunately, in the past month, they have begun to slowly destroy my home and my space without giving two sh*ts."
"First of all, my SIL is an extremely picky eater, so their family doesn't eat with us."
"Fine."
"BUT they never ever clean up after themselves, constantly leaving dirty dishes and pans, crumbs, food stains."
"When I tell them to clean after themselves, they begrudgingly do, but it's never a job well done."
"Last week, one of the boys had peed on my very expensive couch, which I ONLY found out about after smelling piss when I was watching TV."
"SIL is stay-at-home, but she's more like stay-in-her-room, doing god knows what while her two children run rampant around my house."
"In the last three weeks, her boys have 1) colored on their bedroom walls 2) trashed my living room with their toys 3) knocked over half of my plant collection."
"Their whole family has turned my house into a f*cking zoo while contributing NOTHING."
"I've not been able to comfortably live in my own space for the past few weeks."
"My husband could sense my frustration, so he told me he'd have a talk with them and hire a maid to clean our house."
The final straw.
"Things got a little better UNTIL...yesterday."
"I get home early from work, and their family's gone."
"Good, I think, peace and quiet for a few hours."
"I decide to go take a nap in our bedroom ONLY TO FIND THAT MY PRECIOUS VASE THAT MY MOTHER HANDMADE FOR ME WAS SHATTERED ON THE GROUND."
"(I lost my mom when I was a teen, and it is one of the last handmade items I have from her)."
"I immediately knew it was the boys because there were toys inside my room, and their tablet was on my bed."
"I was so angry."
"I ended up calling my husband, explaining the situation, and told him that they would not stay another day in our house, no questions asked."
"Then I went around the house picking up their dirty clothes, toys, papers, etc., and threw them outside onto our lawn."
"When they came back, there was a huge confrontation between me and them."
"I listed all the disrespectful things they'd done and that because they'd met NONE of the conditions outlined when they first moved in."
"I wanted them off my property by midnight."
"I called their kids untrained dogs."
"They screamed back, calling me heartless, cruel, evil, saying I'd make them homeless."
"Well, they did end up leaving after I threatened to call the cops."
"Husband is fully on my side, but I can tell he feels a little bad. MIL called me, upset, asking me to take them back in after I 'forced them to sleep in their car' last night."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Boundaries and Consequences.
"MIL can take them in."
"NTA, being family doesn't entitle anyone to no boundaries and destruction of property."
"They don't seem capable of managing their lives or making an effort to. I'm glad your husband at least stuck by you." ~ Fairmount1955
"They can't reasonably say she and her husband made them homeless now."
"The two adults made themselves homeless by refusing to meet very minimal requirements for their own conduct while they were guests in someone else's home."
"They FAFO, they don't want to believe that their actions have consequences, and now they and MIL are trying to guilt-trip OP and her husband with the 'you made them homeless' BS."
"(Edited to add: enabling them by giving in to this guilt-tripping emotional blackmail will not solve anything - it will just perpetuate their sense of entitlement.)"
"I do feel bad for the two kids suffering because of their parents' irresponsibility."
"And also for OP's husband as he comes to the realization that his family thinks he's somehow responsible for all of their welfare simply because he's not a screwup like they are." ~ OhEstelle
"If your MIL was that torn up about it, she should have raised a more respectful son."
"It is not your duty to take care of them, and she shouldn't berate you for it."
"Second, if they were that concerned about being homeless, they should have stepped up and taken better care of your belongings."
"I was put in a similar situation and ended up having to threaten to call the cops as well. It was stressful for a couple of weeks after, but life has gotten back to normal, if not better without them" ~ AITAnswer1227
A running trend.
"NTA."
"No wonder they got evicted from the other place."
"They need to work on their issues and family. You're not responsible for them and the upbringing the kids the right way. You've put up with enough here." ~ Tina_bambina78
"NTA."
"How absolutely vile does a family have to be to take your generosity and just smash everything, and your mother's handmade vase!!"
"I hope you're able to repair it to some extent, but that's not a replaceable thing, and I'd agree with the 'untrained dogs' commentary."
"MIL can let them live with her if she's so worried. They had ONE job... show a little respect... they couldn't manage it." ~ Magus_Corgo
The vase brought the thread together.
"NTA."
"You are NTA. If m-i-l is concerned, she can take them or buy a motel room."
"They've sh!t all over your hospitality, and it is no coincidence they were gone when you got home."
"They knew breaking that vase was gonna be bad news."
"I am so sorry this happened to you. Definitely not the AH, but your m-i-il and husband are teetering into assholery. They need to support you in this."
"Is there an artisan who might repair the vase or create something from the pieces?" ~ rigbysgirl13
"Maybe you could use some pieces in a mosaic frame around a pic of you & your mom? NTA, by the way." ~ jenneybearbozo3
"This is a great idea. Consider Kintsugi."
"Kintsugi is the process of repairing ceramics traditionally with lacquer and gold, leaving a gold seam where the cracks were." ~ gretawasright
"Nta!"
"I'd probably go feral if someone broke any of the items I have of my late parents. I'd just be heartbroken and see red."
"You gave them a chance, didn't ask for a lot, and they failed to keep their side of the bargain. Imagine being so entitled that you literally bite the hand that is feeding you…."
"And housing you. They should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves and as for mil…. Well, it's easy to be righteous when you're on the other side of the country."
"I really hope you manage to repair the vase with the art mentioned, xxx" ~ pebblesgobambam
"NTA"
"Look up broken wedding wine glass keepsakes (or similar)."
"They might be able to help."
"In Jewish tradition, we smash a wine glass at the end of the wedding ceremony. There are companies that specialize in putting the pieces together (spaced out) in like a solid acrylic case."
"Google it & you'll see what I mean. They might be able to do the same with your vase." ~ KindlyCelebration223
Not everyone felt OP was in the clear.
"YTA."
"3 and 4-year-olds don't know things like, 'crayons are for paper only' until they're taught."
"They also have a lot of energy."
"It's easy to forget that you (and every other child in existence) broke things, colored on things, etc. as a child, and somebody had the patience to not kick you to the curb a couple of weeks into that behavior."
"It sounds like you maintain a pristine home that isn't really suitable for a family with kids."
"That should have been part of your consideration before you let them move in."
"Others have said, 'why don't they go live with MIL?' and that's the transition plan that would have kept you out of AH territory here."
"If you had said, 'this isn't working, let's get you moved somewhere else', you'd be in the clear."
"But you let them in, then kicked them out with no notice and nowhere to go, apparently, if they had to sleep in a car."
"I'm sorry about your vase, but blowing up and saying, 'You're out right now!' makes you the AH." ~ utter_fade
Kindness and patience are often what I talk about here.
I talk about understanding and believing in the best of people.
When a boundary is ignored, there can be consequences, and those aren't always gentle on feelings.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp