Friend breakups can be tougher than romantic breakups. There is so much history there, and it is truly hurtful to experience.
So, when they want to come back into your life it makes sense to be guarded.
Redditor Complex-Mushroom2934 encountered this very issue with her boyfriend’s mom. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for ignoring my ex best friend in her crisis?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (35f) had been best friends with Meg (36f) for almost 18 years. We shared all our troubles, hyped each other up, resolved problems for each other, and were very much part of each other’s families.”
“Meg is a wonderful person, but there was one ongoing problem: she would ghost me whenever we had a disagreement.”
“Not like taking a step back to take time for herself, I mean completely cutting me out of her life and blocking me everywhere for weeks, sometimes months with no contact.”
“Eventually, when she missed me, she’d unblock and apologize and we’d talk about it and go back to normal.”
OP doesn’t respond well to ghosting.
“I have BPD, severe abandonment issues, and trauma related to ghosting from a previous abusive relationship. Ghosting by loved ones triggers me into a massive wreck.”
“Temporary ghosting is even worse because I cannot heal and move on because I’m waiting for them to come back.”
“I explained to Meg several times how her ghosting affected me, and she said she understood, but it never stopped.”
“Last year, during the pandemic, Meg and I acknowledged that we were both severely overweight and we resolved to do something about it. We found a fitness program that looked sane and balanced and started.”
“For whatever reason, the program worked better for me than her.”
“I kept trying to motivate her but she was getting dejected. I noticed that she would get very quiet whenever I posted a recent selfie. I asked her about this and she admitted that me ‘flaunting’ my success made her feel like more of a failure.”
OP was trying to establish some boundaries.
“I promised to not post any more selfies till she also achieved her desired fitness level.”
“Around August last year, a mutual friend posted a photo of me to hype me up. Meg saw it and ghosted on me without saying a word.”
“Then I learned that Meg has befriended C, a woman who she knows bullied me for most of my adult life. It felt worse than abandonment, it felt like a betrayal.”
“So, I decided to enforce some boundaries of my own and walk away from the friendship. Meg started texting me again after a few months of ghosting. She didn’t address her disappearance, she just started talking as if nothing had happened.”
“I ignored all messages and eventually she stopped trying. It’s been 6 months of no contact since then and while I do miss her a lot, I feel like I’m in a better place now because of enforcing my boundaries.”
Meg is going through a really tough time.
“A few days ago, I got a mail from Meg stating she’s had a miscarriage and is in a terrible state mentally and physically and is very lonely. She’d like us to be friends again.”
“I have not responded and I don’t intend to.”
“Taking her back might mean undoing months of work on my mental health.”
“On the other hand, she’s going through something terrible and I know from personal experience what a dark time this can be. I feel like a jerk to ignore someone whom I cared about who now needs my support.”
“So please tell me Reddit, am I the a**hole?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were conflicted.
“NTA. This person is not your friend. That is not how friendship works. Personally I’d explain why I was ghosting them but that’s up to you. You have to decide if being triggered regularly and being treated like shit is worth it for the good times?” ~ VaultHunter93
“The problem with an explanation is it opens the door. It sounds like Meg closed it, and she can work out why it’s staying closed. She has been told in the past why ghosting is painful, now she can learn it for herself.” ~ beechaser77
“Yeah. Tell Mel to call C.” ~ BabyAlibi
“Considering C was toxic and a bullying to OP meg and her would be two peas in a pod!”
“Honestly OPs relationship with meg sounded extremely toxic and she was manipulating OP.”
“OP she is not someone I would even reach out to. I too have BPD and cant IMAGINE someone doing this to me. I would be walking on eggshells constantly.”
“If you already don’t know DBT skills can help with BPD, but more specifically DEAR MAN GIVE FAST interpersonal effectiveness skill.”
“She KNEW your past and the harm ghosting caused you yet gave no shits and repeatedly did so.”
“She didn’t celebrate your progress but wanted to tear you down because ‘if she cant be happy ain’t no one happy.'”
“You weren’t the one who posted the photo to begin with yet she still ghosted you.”
“And she most likely ‘befriended’ C just to hurt you.”
“Meg wants someone she can use for emotional support and thats it. OP I wouldn’t even respond because it would open things up to wiggle back into your life.”
“Also I know miscarriages is a serious manner, but how do you know if she actually had one or is trying to use this to get to you? That doesn’t mean start asking around but I just wouldn’t trust her.”
“She made her stance of your relationship perfectly clear and she doesn’t get to come and go in your life without consequence.”
“Like the previous commentor said, she can go be with C. You keep going on your healing journey OP!” ~ TheoryAddict
OP added.
“I agree that would be fair, but the problem is I have trouble establishing and maintaining boundaries and saying no. If I start a conversation, at some point I’ll feel like a monster for being mean to someone in pain. And she’ll probably keep apologizing. And I’ll just give in.”
“I’m still working on how to hold up my end in a confrontation and I don’t want to test myself just yet. Thank you.” ~ Aggressive_Cut4892
OP can set her boundaries however she sees fit.