When romantic relationships grow, we want to become an increasingly active part of our partner's lives.
This includes getting to know their friends better, being their plus one at work and social events, and more or less becoming part of their family.
We also want to be a support system for them should their life hit a rough patch.
That is, if they'll allow us to.
The boyfriend of Redditor Steff4296 was recently faced with some devastating news.
Naturally, the original poster (OP) wanted to be right there by his side to help him through it.
Much to the OP's surprise, however, her boyfriend was almost completely uninterested in her support.
Unable to shake off her shock and confusion at this, the OP took to the subReddit "AM I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for holding a grudge that I was uninvited to my boyfriend's mother's funeral?"
The OP shared why she remained unsettled by her boyfriend's exclusion:
"Me "35 F[emale] and my boyfriend, 42 M[ale] are from the same country but met overseas."
"We have been together 5 years and live together."
"I did not meet his parents until year 4."
"He always had excuses such as distance, timing, and that his mum had dementia and it would be too hard on her to meet new people."
"By the time I finally met her, her dementia had progressed and she disliked me immediately, which devastated me."
"I felt it had been left too late for us to form a bond."
"My partner is difficult."
"He values his privacy over connection and often puts up emotional roadblocks."
"His mum passed away last month."
"I assumed I would be at the funeral to support him."
"He flew home earlier to see her and I booked a flight after."
"The day before the funeral, I asked for details and he told me 'maybe it's best you don't go'."
"He said I barely knew his dad and had not met the extended family, so it was not the right setting."
"I said I wanted to support him, not anyone else."
"He went back and forth before finally telling me late at night not to come because he preferred to deal with things alone."
"I was devastated."
"On the day I sent him a kind message, he thanked me, but I did not hear from him until evening."
"The next day he said, 'I made the right choice not having you there'."
"'It would have been too stressful'."
"He also said he had spoken to friends and family who agreed."
"Finding out his friends were there broke me even more."
"It has been 3 weeks and I cannot shake it."
"I already feel like I am low on his list, below friends, family, and nights out."
"Being excluded from one of the hardest days of his life feels like confirmation."
"For clarity, I have never suspected cheating."
"A week later I did spend a few days with his dad and met some of his friends, so I do not think he was hiding me."
"He has never seemed interested in female attention and prefers being with his male friends."
"Part of me wonders if I am being selfish."
"Should I just be compassionate and accept that grief makes people act differently? Or am I justified in feeling pushed out and hurt?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community all but unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for holding a grudge against her boyfriend.
Everyone agreed that not only did the OP have every right to be upset for being excluded from the funeral, but also that the OP should seriously reconsider how healthy this relationship is, as it seems her boyfriend was uninterested in having her be a part of his life:
"Hun...I'm going to hold your hand while I say this."
"This man is not in love with you."
"The red flag is flying high and clear."
"Your gut is screaming loud to you as well."
"Please see and listen to them."
"He may be your bf, but you are definitely not his gf."
"Time to close that door and move on."
"No need to hold a grudge."
"He does not deserve such free real estate in your mind."
"Know your worth."
"NTA."- LylyO
"He doesn't sound like he likes you.'
"Like at all."
"It's ok to be single."
"Life is too short to live with someone and force yourself to pretend they like you."
"Move on."
"NTA."- Disastrous-Soup-5413
"NTA."
"Except maybe to yourself?"
"Grief is difficult and everyone handles it differently, so as a one-off I'd actually have called it NAH."
"Some people need a little distance before they're ready to be a good partner."
"BUT you're describing something persistent."
"'My partner is difficult. He values his privacy over connection and often puts up emotional roadblocks'."
"'I already feel like I am low on his list'."
"I have bad news, friend: you do not have a partner, not the kind you seem to mean."
"He may be a few steps above a friend-with-benefits but he's not interested in sharing his whole life with you, not really."
"That's not inherently wrong of him, but it's a particular relationship preference and it sounds like you would be happier with someone who engages with and includes you at a more typical 'partner' level'."
"THAT SAID, I can't help but notice:"
"'Puts up emotional roadblocks'."
"'His friends were there'."
"'I am low on his list, below friends'.'
"'Never seemed interested in female attention and prefers being with his male friends'."
"Look, I dunno the guy, but are you sure you're not his beard?"
"You're also a good bit younger than him- at 35/42 it's definitely not 'worrying' level age gap to me, but with everything else it makes me wonder."
"Either way, you don't seem happy in this relationship, so why are you still in it?"
"If you're sticking with him because you're determined to break through his walls and then he'll change and be open and everything will be perfect, I highly advise against making life plans based on that."
"It may never happen and you'll resent giving up so much time beating your fists against a wall, but even if you do get through someday- sometimes breaking through a person's walls means finding things you don't like."
"Good luck out there, OP."- oliviamrow
"Huge red flag."
"NTA at all."
"5 months, maybe I could get on board with his position."
"But 5 years totally different."
"This isn't a forever relationship for him."
"The fact that you flew there and he only told you after you were there is absolutely wild."-thesweeterpeter
"'Should I just be compassionate and accept that grief makes people act differently? Or am I justified in feeling pushed out and hurt?'"
"I think both things can be true."
"Grief can impact how people think and act."
'But this sounds like you were deliberately and thoughtfully excluded."
"That doesn't sound like a partnership."
"Unless there's more going on than you've shared or are aware of (a reason that his family wouldn't want you there) it isn't a typical or healthy relationship dynamic to exclude your partner from a situation like this."
"While a long-term grudge isn't a healthy behavior, you're NTA for feeling hurt, excluded etc."-
tinyd71
"NTA."
"But why do you stay in this relationship with someone who is clearly not interested in integrating you into his life?"- PeachBanana8
"NTA, but to me this warrants a bigger conversation about what you both want out of the relationship."
"You're both fully adults in 30s-40s, there is absolutely an expectation that you would face these life events together and support one another after 5 years in a relationship."
"If he doesn't want you around for those moments, or you don't have a lot of interaction with his family and friends, I would wonder if there are traumatic or uncomfortable events/connections in his past that he doesn't want people to bring up with you, or if he's just never grown up in a family that really leans on each other and he doesn't know how to be vulnerable with you."
"My husband grew up in a family that did not openly love and support one another, so while day to day he his affectionate and fun to be around, when he really gets stressed or worried about something, his inclination is to retreat and not share with me, because it was never previously safe for him to do so."
"It's getting better as time goes on, and he's learning on a subconscious level that it's safe to be vulnerable with me even though as a child he didn't grow up with that reality or example."-Altruistic_Ad_9821
There were a select few, however, who had trouble sympathizing with the OP, entirely owing to the fact that she let herself stay in this relationship that wasn't good for her at all.
'Why are you still with this man after so many years of him sabotaging the relationship?"
"ESH."- panic_bread
While a few others felt that no one was an a**hole in this situation, for the exact same reason:
"NAH."
"But honey, that man is not your husband."
"Your husband would want you by his side during one of the most tragic events of his life."
"Go find your husband."- Reddit
Sometimes, mainly in an effort not to feel lonely, we might tell ourselves that having a partner, any partner, is better than not.
However, being with a partner that doesn't value or treat us as we deserve will likely only make us feel all the more lonely,
Something the OP seems to be feeling in this relationship.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp