Facebook and social media in general are a blessing and a blight upon our generation. While they are not inherently bad platforms, Facebook in particular has contributed to a lot of issues of misinformation. But there's an even smaller problem than that: over-sharers.
Redditor VirtualIce23 found her sister over-sharing things about her own life, including that she had lost several pregnancies. After telling her sister to please not share that information witht he public, she was sharply rebuked.
Unsure if she'd somehow done something wrong, she went to the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" or "AITA" for feedback from objective strangers:
"AITA for telling my sister to take a post down on social media?"
Our original poster, or OP, simply detailed the situation where she felt her sister crossed the line.
"My sister posted something about 'Rainbow babies' on Facebook, and mentioned that I had 3 losses."
"Everyone started texting me or commenting how sad they were for me and sister would reply 'thank you, I'll tell her.'"
"I'm not sad about my miscarriages. They happened so long ago, and I don't even think about it anymore. I feel like she used me to get sympathy from others."
"I told her to remove the post and she refused because it was 'her page.' I'm not on FB so I'm not sure if she did, but she said she wouldn't."
"Yesterday my parents told me I was being a jerk because the post was about a few of her friends that lost babies, she just included me because she loved me. I was taken aback by that response."
"AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors thought OP was perfectly within reason to ask her sister to take the post down.
"Yuck. That is so disgusting, honestly. The fact she won't take the post down. This is infuriating🤬"
"I'd say you should comment on the post saying what an attention seeking person your sister is, but I'm super petty so..NTA"-kittyyykittyyy
"NTA- her page? Well it's your life, your experience, your losses."
"Just write a comment on that post saying how disrespectful her post is to you and ask everyone to respect your privacy by stopping any further comments and communications."-Valuable_Ad_742
"NTA. Your sister gains nothing but attention from this. While I'm sure she felt awful for you when the miscarriages occurred she wasn't the one who endured the experience of said miscarriages."
"Your sister likely saw something going around her Facebook feed about rainbow babies."
"She saw other women receiving sympathy and adoration for what is a very heartbreaking (to say the very least) experience. And she wanted some of that attention for herself."
"She never experienced that loss first hand for herself so she Invoked your story without permission and now is the receiving the attention.""
"It's disturbing in general the amount of personal Info people are willing to share on Facebook for a few likes from people who never give the post they are liking a second thought in their life."
"It's asinine people are willing to violate trust and privacy for said likes."-X-ile226
"NTA, disclosing someones personal medical history without permission is beyond wrong and a violation of trust."
"I cant give you advice on how to handle this but if I were in your place I would say the post is bringing up hurtful memories and causing you harm."
"Honestly I would make sure that your sister never gets any more of your personal information, or your mom since she sees nothing wrong with it."
"And I would go no contact with your sister the minute she refused to honor your wishes on this."-Resagarden
In fact, people thought it was wholly inappropriate for OP's sister to be using her story.
"I'm trying to remember if anyone in my family did that and I realize my SIL did once or twice. She made a post of angel babies on her IG post and tagged everyone she knew who had miscarriages."
"I was one of few she tagged. For some reason I didn't mind because it was a baby loss day or something and she had lost a baby, so her post was more about missing the babies that could have been a part of our lives."
"I think for her it was more of memorial post that she does yearly, and when I lost my first one she started to tag me along with other women."
"But when I read your post, I realize maybe your sister had a different attitude. If I had asked my SIL to remove my name she would have."
"Your sister wouldn't do it, so it gets turned into attention grabbing post."
"NTA. I'm sorry that she didn't respect your need for privacy. She could have taken your name out of the post since your mother said it was for her friends as well."-icanthearyoulalala42
"NTA. You don't have carte blanche to do just anything on your page. The most obvious example is posting pictures of children without their parents' permission."
"If a parent comes across this and tells you to take a picture down, you don't say, 'it's my page!' (I mean, you could, but I strongly advise against that)."
"Now, I mention this because I think everyone else has the rest (your sister's utterly vile actions) covered."-laffy4444
"NTA It's wholly inappropriate for your Sister to use your loss, not only for 'sympathy' but to put on blast your PRIVATE and very PERSONAL experiences!"
"And WHAT THE HELL is wrong with your Parents!"
"I would have created a FB page, invited all those who commented and embarrassed the F*ck out of her telling EVERYONE that she didn't have your permission to disclose your personal losses!"
"But I'm petty as hell when people are treated SO unfairly!"-JipC1963
"NTA. You were the one who went through a miscarriage, you and you alone are the only one who decides who to tell about it."
"I've been through one myself, similar to you I'm not devastated but it sucked to go through."
"I think it's good that some people feel ok with talking about theirs publicly (because pregnancy loss shouldn't be treated like a shameful secret, it's a normal though sad occurrence) but I don't think I'll ever personally feel comfortable discussing it with anyone other than my partner or close friends."
"I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable post about it on Facebook for everyone I know to see. I'm just not ok with posting about my medical history like that, and I would be pissed if anyone I confided in broke my trust for internet points."
"I think your sister is absolutely using your private medical information for attention and that's not ok."-DiligentPenguin16
And still others were advising OP to actually make a Facebook just for the sake of dealing with it.
"Uhhh NTA for sure. People close to me have miscarried or lost children and I have never felt the need to make a FB post about it."
"Even giving her the benefit of the doubt that it was for a 'good' reason like raising awareness or a donation post for somebody else I would think it's pretty standard to ASK if the people you're bringing up are ok with it."
"It's their story and their business. I think I would feel pretty ashamed of myself pimping out the tragedies of people close to me for clout."-Fairybreath493
"NTA. First she shouldn't put your information on her page. You are not on there for a reason and she needs to understand and respect that."
"Second I hate the term rainbow baby, maybe it's because I am still freshly recovering from a miscarriage but it just annoys the ever living hell out of me. She has no right to put your private info on blast for likes."-kayt3000
"NTA. Honestly if I were you I'd make a Facebook account just to reply and state on it that you have already asked her to take it down."
"And that you don't appreciate your private information being shared and that since she won't listen you made a profile just for that purpose."-HelloAll-GoodbyeAll
"Ew, she's virtual signaling at the direct expense of the person she's garnering attention and backpats for."
"I am not up to date on Facebook, but I'd find a way to respond to her post saying 'I've asked you to take this down because I find it weird, unnecessarily revealing and you disrespected me.'"
"'I'm asking you once again to respect me and my losses and take this down.'"
"Sometimes you have to shame idiots in front of the vague internet masses they're so desperate to get some attention from. But ew, her behavior is disgusting."-28Improved
OP revealed she and her sister barely speak, but perhaps now is the time as her sister has very clearly crossed a line.
Hopefully all parties involved can reach a workable solution.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp