A wedding bringing two families together in perfect harmony is an ultimate goal.
But when future in-laws clash before the big day arrives, any hope of campfire singalongs with the families in the near future could be a longshot.
Redditor LegitimateRiver4033 is a mother whose decision to attend her brother’s wedding caused major drama with her future sister-in-law (SIL)—who had a non-negotiable request about their wedding.
She visited the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for telling my future SIL that I won’t be attending her childfree wedding causing a lot of my other family members to drop out as well?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My future SIL is marrying my brother next summer and they are planning to have a child free wedding. I have about 3 other sisters and we all have kids as do most of my cousins at this point.”
“Our family is kinda spread out over the country and my brother/SIL’s wedding is out of state for most of us. Once I found out they wanted to make it childfree I began to lose interest in going to the wedding.”
“I don’t want to be away from my kids for a couple of days and it is just a hassle to find them living arrangements for when my husband and I are gone – especially since most of our adult family members will be at the wedding.”
“We’d have to leave the kids with some friends. However, I get that it is her wedding and her decision so I just declined to go stating that I don’t want to leave my kids alone without any family to watch them.”
“After I dropped out, my other sisters got the courage to drop out as well as they also have toddlers they didn’t wan’t to leave behind for a couple of days.”
“Then my cousins began declining to come as well. Now it has become a huge deal in the family and caused a lot of drama. My brother has called me and yelled at me saying that I was the one who caused all the problems.”
“I was firm when I told him I wasn’t going to his wedding unless I could bring my kids and that all our sisters/cousins pretty much felt the same way.”
“My parents who are paying for half of their wedding are also pissed that so many family members on our side aren’t coming, they were already somewhat against the idea of a childfree wedding in the first place and have now started pressuring SIL to not make it childfree.”
“My SIL refuses to meet in the middle and says the wedding will remain childfree, but she’s also mad at all of us for not coming. She also still expects my parents to help pay for it, which I doubt they’ll do at this point lol.”
“I’m fine with her having a childfree wedding, I just don’t want to be a part of it if it means being away from my kids for days. AITA”
The OP updated her post with some clarifications.
“People keep asking why I’m mostly talking about my SIL and not my brother in the post. I know for a fact my brother was okay with having kids at the wedding, its the norm in our family and he loves his nieces/nephews.”
“It’s my SIL who wants this to be a childfree thing against the wishes of like 95% of our family and still have my parents foot the bill. My brother is just supporting her to make her happy.”
“She has an entire 4 day itinerary planned with like 6 events that she expects to all be childfree. Are all of us with toddlers and kids supposed to swing back and forth from hiding our kids in hotels with random sitters to all the wedding activities just to keep my psycho SIL happy?”
“And then PAY for it because she sure AF won’t since our kids are our problems as she’s stated to my face.”
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors were split between NTA and YTA judgments.
The following thought the OP was the a**hole.
“YTA because you don’t seem to know what ‘meet in the middle’ means. She wants HER wedding to be child free.”
“You want HER wedding to not be child free. You think she won’t ‘meet in the middle’ because she’s not changing to what you want.”
“It’s super common to have group babysitting at the hotel. All your siblings/cousins can pool resources and get a few people to stay a few hours at the hotel and watch the kids. Maybe even have your parents pay for it as part of the wedding fees.”
“If you don’t want to go, don’t go…but it doesn’t seem like you are trying to actually work something out.” – Usrname52
“Yeah, I don’t get how ‘childfree wedding’ translates into, ‘I’d have to leave the kids at home.’ And if OP is going to complain about spending money to bring kids to the location, they’d have to spend that money if the kids were invited. There’s really barely any difference.”
“Everyone brings their kids. A couple of cousins or family friends take turns with child care while the rest go to the wedding.”
“Trust me, as a kid, I hated having to go to weddings. Hanging out at a hotel pool would be so much more appealing to me.” – HapaMari
“In her update she calls her my ‘psycho SIL.’ Why exactly is she a psycho? Cause she doesn’t want the entire tone of her wedding changed by having children there?”
“OP, YTA 100%” – drzoidberg84
“Take a peek at OP’s comments. She calls her SIL a ‘gold digging ho’ and hopes that because of this she won’t want to join the family.”
“OP is a mean girl and an a**hole.” – predatorandprey
“In her second edit she also makes it clear she doesn’t like her SIL. Bet if she liked her she wouldn’t be so scandalized by the child free situation. She seems to be pleased everyone is declining to attend too.”
“YTA OP.” – Rubyleaves18
These Redditors declared the OP was not the a**hole.
“except, OP didn’t throw a fit. she politely declined to go and now people are mad at her, including SIL, for everyone else with kids following suit.”
“so SIL doesn’t get to be upset that the family she’s marrying into, which seems to have quite a few young children, isn’t going to the wedding due to her choice. if you choose to have a child free wedding, you take the risk that those with children won’t be able to accommodate.”
“according to OPs edit, this isn’t a one night event where the kids will be with a stranger at home or in a hotel. this is FOUR DAYS worth of wedding activities that OP and others would have to find childcare for.”
“depending on the age of the children, that is a ridiculous ask to then EXPECT everyone to cater to. OP is NTA.” – intergalacticcircus
“There is no ‘meet in the middle’, either the wedding is childfree or it’s not. You can’t have it kinda be childfree.”
“OP doesn’t want to traipse across the country with her kids if she’s going to have to dump them off on babysitters, and she doesn’t want to have to leave them behind, either. She’s NTA. This is one of the risks if you decide to have a childfree wedding.”
“Also, I’m kind of side eyeing the suggestion to just do group babysitting at the hotel, some of these children are toddlers and aren’t going to do well with that.” – codeverity
“NTA: People are entitled to a child free wedding, but they also have to understand that it’s not going to be realistic for most people to leave their kids for days (especially young ones).”
“This should have been an anticipated consequence of a child free wedding. Your SIL shouldn’t have to change her childfree wedding but she also doesn’t get to be mad at out of state parents for not coming.” – NorthernLitUp
“OP can choose not to go to the wedding because they don’t want to leave their kids for so long. How does that make them the AH? A multiple day child free event far from home is not easy for parents with young kids.”
“That said, SIL and brother have every right to stick to their plan of having a child free wedding. They just can’t expect everyone to show up.” – Tangelo-Broad
“Yeah, I don’t know what’s wrong with people on here today. The only way this person could be the a**hole is if they’d actively convinced the whole family to boycott the wedding in an attempt to let their kids come.”
“NTA.” – Guido_Jones
The judgment remained split in the comments, but a good majority expressed shock over the fact some parents would easily go for the idea of a group babysitting situation at a hotel.
Ultimately though, the OP was deemed the a**hole. Whether this changes anything is unknown.