Relationships take a lot of effort to maintain. Doing nice things for your significant other is a great way to help this along.
But it helps if your partner knows what's going on. Redditor meepo49 woke up to her husband prepared to celebrate something they've never celebrated before, and his disappointment when the original poster (OP) didn't have anything prepared.
OP asked the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit if she was a jerk to not celebrate.
Her question was:
"AITA for forgetting my husband and I's 'vacation anniversary?'"
This was what went down:
"My husband (34M) and I (31F) have been married for four and a half years now."
"In the spring of 2018, we took a two-month long trip to Europe/Africa where we stayed in London, Barcelona, and Marrakesh. It was a great time for both of us and since then we've always wanted to do another long trip like that."
"So, this morning. My husband wakes me up at 7AM with a gift. At this point, I'm a little pissed off because we had both gone to bed at 1 and I wanted to sleep in."
"So, I open the gift (which is an envelope), and inside are our plane tickets from our home airport to London dated on 4/29/2018. I mean...a little strange but okay?"
"Then, he drags me into the kitchen where I see he's prepared a Spanish-style breakfast for me, which I thought was really sweet of him. He told me that since today was the day we left on our big trip and haven't been able to travel for a year, he wanted to do something special for me to commemorate."
"I mean, overall it was a really nice gesture even if I was sleep deprived."
"Our day then goes on as normal (we both work from home). Around noon I go into the kitchen to make some lunch for myself, and my husband comes in and says 'So, I'm guessing you didn't get me anything?'."
"At this point I'm pretty confused so I'm like: 'get you anything for what?'. Then, he gets this exasperated look on his face and says 'Our vacation anniversary?'."
"I didn't know if this was a joke or not, because we've literally NEVER celebrated this 'vacation anniversary' before, despite it technically occurring already two times in 2019 and 2020. So, I laugh at it and tell him 'maybe next year I will'."
"He didn't appreciate the joke. He told me that our vacation was more 'significant than our wedding' and that it hurt him that I didn't remember. I apologized to him but he's still got a pissy attitude with me."
"AITA?"
On the AITA board, people are judged based on how they reacted. In this case, it's based on whether OP would have known to react at all.
This is done with one of the following acronyms:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
It was agreed that there was no expectation set for OP to participate in this anniversary, and it was ridiculous for her husband to have expected it.
OP is NTA.
"NTA. This is not a yearly event you guys celebrate. You had no way of knowing he was planning to make a big deal about it this year."
"Can't your husband just do something sweet for you without expecting something in return?" - Sweet_Baby_Grogu
"Solid question at the end. Want to know the answer to that." – ifimhereimrealbored
"NTA - your husband sounds like he's trying to start a fight with you, or overcompensate for feeling guilty about some thing." – jesstheprequel
"NTA."
"This is not a thing. Under no circumstances would anyone reasonable think this is a thing."
"Either your husband is having a mental health issue or he's trying to make you think you are insane or drive you crazy so you leave him or something, because this story is bizarre."
"Equally bizarre that you think you might be judged the a**hole." – superfastmomma
"NTA, that's really nice that he did that but weird he's making it seem like a tradition that you dropped the ball on." – Tatidanidean1
"NTA. I am...legitimately confused as to why he expected you to magically know he wanted to make this a thing. I have questions." - DiTrastevere
The whole situation perplexed the commenters, not just because this sounds like a strange tradition, but because it wasn't an established one at all. Why would the husband expect a gift for an unprepared day?
The whole thing left a lot of questions.
"A vacation anniversary is a new one to me. Did he say why he considers your 'vacation' more significant than your wedding?"
"I mean, personally, I've never heard of such a thing so I don't see how you could be an asshole for not remembering to celebrate something you two have never celebrated before." – IChooseYouSnorlax
"More importantly, why does he consider the third vacation anniversary important but not the first or second? OP, I'm guessing either one of you was on a business trip the first time around or has been 'going on business trips' since, IYKWIMAITYD." – mbbaer
"All due respect: what the hell is a vacation anniversary?"
"And...."
"It was more significant than your WEDDING?!"
"your husbands priorities are a little unorthodox."
"Nta" – punkswamp
"NTA. I mean ... How were you supposed to magically know that THIS was the year to celebrate? You can't be in the wrong for something you didn't know was a thing."
"I'm also pretty bummed with your husband. That was kind of a cute thing he did - and it could have been a great day, but he had to ruin it by getting pissy with you. Ugh." - GypseboQ
There isn't a lot that OP could have done. And the question of why OP's husband seemed so intent on making this a celebration still remains to be answered.
It's not the worst idea to find more ways to have fun and celebrate with your significant other, but make sure they're on the same page before you expect something in return.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.