Though it's not something we like to think about too often, as it has rather dark connotations, every now and then, children might wonder if they one day might inherit things belonging to their parents.
Sometimes, they might discover things their parents own have little to no meaning, resulting in them taking them into their possession earlier than expected.
In sadder cases, children might be shocked to discover that their parents gave something they hoped to one day own to someone else.
This is an unfortunate situation that might have been easily avoided if they had simply spoken up and told their parents that they wanted it.
Redditor TemperatureOverall94 had always hoped to one day give her wedding dress to a worthy recipient.
While they thought their stepdaughter would want it, the original poster (OP) was shocked and hurt to discover that wasn't the case.
Thankfully, another, more excited recipient was found.
But when the OP's stepdaughter learned of this, she was not at all pleased.
Having doubts about her actions, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for giving my wedding dress to my future daughter-in-law instead of my stepdaughter?"
The OP explained why they did not end up giving her stepdaughter her wedding dress and why her stepdaughter was so angry when she gave it to someone else:
"I 42 F[enmale] got married 24 years ago."
"I decided that if I had a daughter, I would pass the dress and accessories on to her."
"I chose a simple, elegant dress, rather than what was fashionable at the time because I wanted something timeless that people could wear for generations to come."
"I had my son 'Mark' now 22 M[ale] a year after, and his father passed away when he was young."
"I raised Mark as a single mom for several years."
"I decided that when Mark married, I would give my dress and accessories to his wife."
"When I was 33, I met "Rob" now 52 M."
"I fell in love with him and we quickly married."
"He became a great father figure for Mark, and I was so excited to have a stepdaughter, 'Molly' now 24 F."
"My relationship with Molly had a rocky beginning."
"I've been patient and gentle with her."
"I've offered to take her shopping or get her nails done."
"I asked Rob about her favorite foods and made sure to cook those."
"She made it clear that she didn't see me as her real mom."
"Years passed, and I never changed the way I treated Molly."
"My door was always open for her, but she never changed the way she thought about me."
"She called me a trophy wife to my face."
"If I ever threw a charity event, she would remark, 'Wow, you're so generous with dad's money'."
"While she didn't say anything explicitly, I could tell she looked down on me for not having a college degree."
"A couple of years ago, I made a final offering to Molly."
"I brought her into my closet, showed her the dress and accessories, and told her I would love for her to wear them at her wedding."
"Some alterations would have to be done (I am 5'9 and a size 4, while Molly is 5'4 and a size 8), but we could make it work."
"Molly scoffed and said I had archaic values and that the dress was trashy, and walked out."
"That really hurt because she knew what that dress meant to me, and she didn't care."
"After that, I stopped making as much of an effort to build a relationship with her."
"Two months ago, Mark proposed to his college sweetheart 'Lucy,'" with whom I have a great relationship."
"When Lucy mentioned dress shopping, I showed her my dress."
"Lucy tried it on, and it fit like a glove."
"She fell in love with it, and I told her the dress, shoes, and accessories were hers."
"She was so happy she literally cried."
"However, a couple of days ago, Molly reached out to me out of the blue to ask if the dress was still available."
"I told her I had given it to Lucy."
"She asked if I could get it back from Lucy since I offered it to her first, and I told her 1) she said she didn't want it, 2) it fits Lucy perfectly, and 3) Lucy is the only one getting married within the foreseeable future."
"Now Molly is saying I'm favoring Lucy over her because she's conforming to traditional standards of femininity (getting married and being thin)."
"That's absolute baloney, but it got me thinking that if the roles were reversed and Lucy was the one asking for the dress after initially turning it down, would I give it to her?"
"Is Molly right that I'm favoring Lucy?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for giving her wedding dress to Lucy.
Everyone agreed that Molly lost all priority to the OP's wedding dress after calling it "trashy," with many also believing that Molly only now wanted the dress because she couldn't have it:
"NTA."
"You actually favored the stepdaughter by offering it to her first, and she not only said no but then insulted you in return."
"The dress is now gone."
"It's not yours to decide about any longer anyway."
"Out of curiosity, if that is the dress you married your first husband in, what did you wear at the second wedding?"- ACorania
"NTA."
"Why did Molly even reach out to you about the dress, given that she's not getting married?"
"What does she even want to do with something she considers 'trashy'?"
"It's obvious that she only wanted to hurt you here because she knew you were giving it to someone else."
"It has no meaning to her other than as a way to hurt you."
"You've already given the dress away, so you're done here."- Tangerine_Bouquet
"NTA."
"Molly said she didn't want it, and now you gave it to someone else."
"It's theirs now, and after how Molly's treated you, I don't think she deserves it, even if it was still yours."- apieceofeight
"You do realize that Molly likely found out you'd given the dress to Lucy and now wants it just to spite you, right?"
"NTA."
"Molly is an adult who behaves like a spoiled child in this case (and probably most of the time, too)."
"I'd also be willing to bet Molly wants the dress for two reasons:"
"Lucy can't have it so Molly can hurt you and your son."
"She wants to destroy the dress simply to hurt you."
"Be polite, treat her as you would a business associate (polite disinterest), and continue to live your life."
"That's all you can do."- Beck2010
"NTA."
"Step-daughter didn't just reject the dress, she did so with deliberate discourtesy and unkindness."
"The offer of the dress was obviously void after such behavior."
"You are not favoring future-daughter-in-law."
"Step-daughter spitefully removed herself from any access to the dress and accessories."- kaorizma
The OP later returned with an update, thanking everyone who took the time to comment, clarifying a few things about her family dynamic, as well as her final decision.
"Wow, thank you for all of your kind words!"
"I wanted to give an update to respond to general questions and comments."
"First, I want to say that the fact that most of the comments are 'NTA' is very reassuring."
"It makes me feel better about my decision not to give my dress to Molly."
"I saw some comments suggesting this, so I would like to let you know I already gave the dress to Lucy, and it's safe in her apartment now."
"Molly has already been bugging Lucy about the dress, but Lucy told me there's 'no way in heck' she's giving it away."
"Some of you have also been wondering about Mark and Rob's responses."
"Mark is currently out of town on business, and I have not communicated with him about this matter."
"I'm sure he'll be supportive of Lucy, though."
"I did not bring this up with Rob because while Molly and I have a difficult relationship, I don't want to sow division between her and her father."
"However, Rob brought it up last night, saying Molly had contacted him on the matter."
"Rob was like, 'You aren't going to give it to her, are you?'"
"When I said no, he told me to promise him I would not give the dress to her."
"It was very comforting to know Rob is on my side."
"Another thing I want to get clear: I do NOT expect Molly to conform to certain 'standards'."
"When I referred to 'traditional standards of femininity (getting married and being thin)', I was paraphrasing words that came out of her mouth."
"I was raised in a traditional household, but I understand that a lot of women, especially young women, do not share my values."
"Frankly Lucy doesn't either."
"She has an engineering degree and openly talks about wanting to prioritize her career over starting a family, at least for the foreseeable future, and I couldn't be happier for her."
"I DO realize that I could have done a better job communicating to Molly that I don't care what she does so long as she is a good person and she leaves the world better than she found it."
"Lastly, because after reading the comments, I fear I painted Molly in a bad light, I should say that Molly has had a rough life due to the divorce between Bob and her biological mother."
"I have never met her mother, and I don't want to go into gross detail on the internet about someone's life other than my own, but I will say that her relationship with her mother is not great."
"I think Molly might be projecting aspects of that relationship onto me."
"However, your comments have helped me realize she is in the wrong in this situation."
"I've also realized that it isn't just on me to build a relationship with her–she has to work at it too, and so far she has not."
"I'm never going to shut her out, but at this point, if she wants to connect with me, SHE has to be the one making the effort."
"I really hope the best for her, but she sure as heck isn't getting that dress."
It seems that Molly constantly looks for things to blame the OP about.
Including giving her wedding dress to Lucy, which is no one's fault but Molly's, as she declined the OP's initial offer.
One can only hope that this will be the lesson Molly needs, and that should the OP extend a hand in the future, the last thing Molly should do is swat it away.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp