There comes a point where all of us will be obligated to help our family.
While some look at this obligation as a no-brainer, and jump into helping them out with no questions asked, others find providing this help as much more of a burden.
When the family they are helping out are not their blood relatives, but rather their in-laws, the weight of the burden can feel all the more heavy.
Redditor Tr0uble12312333 knew that at one point, she would have to provide extra help to her mother and brother.
When that time came a bit sooner than expected, the original poster (OP)'s husband expressed some concerns.
Concerns the OP simply would not hear, eventually throwing an ultimatum at her husband.
Worried that she might have gone too far, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH For giving my husband an ultimatum when it comes to my mom and disabled brother living with us?"
The OP explained why she felt the need to serve her husband with an ultimatum:
"I (35 F[emale]) and my husband (40 M[ale]) have been together for 15yrs off and on."
"Married for 3 and we have two kids."
"Since the beginning he has know about my older brother who is disabled (cerebral palsy, quadriplegic) and about my elderly mother."
"I am the youngest of 4."
"I have always been clear that there will be a time when I will have to care for them both."
"My two older brothers will also take on the responsibility."
"We will each care for them a few months out of the year so they are not a burden on any one of us."
"Well, that time is approaching, my mom recently had a conversation with us 3 siblings about how she will need to start getting the help from us permanently as she is getting too old to take care of my brother on her own."
"She is 74yo and currently live in our home country where she does have help from one of my cousins who lives with her."
"He is the one that mainly takes care of my mom."
"Now, the issue arises that since we will need to start taking care of them on a more permanent basis, my husband does not want to have them in our home for months at a time."
"He and my mom have had their issues in the past but he does recognize that she has helped us a lot with the girls."
"My mom took care of my oldest and did not have to take her to daycare nor pay for it as she would never charge us for watching her grandbaby."
"He feels that we would lose our privacy and that my mom would nags us."
"Now, my siblings and I do not want to put her and brother in a nursing home or anything like that."
"I do recognize that I said that in the heat of the moment as this is not new to him."
"He has always known that at some point I would be caring for them."
"I even told him this before we decided to get married and he was on board."
"My mom and hubby get along fine."
"She does not mistreat him or anything like that."
"She actually caters to him, especially when it comes to food."
"Always makes sure I feed him…lol In the Latino culture, that's how it is, make sure your man is fed!"
"My mom and bro are both US citizens so there is no issues with them traveling back and forth."
"Also, the plan my brothers and I HAD was for a few years down the road."
"As of right now my mom is still healthy and strong enough to be able to travel."
"Back home she has someone who helps take care of my brother.'
"Financially we are all stable and she has a good pension so they would not be a financial burden on any of us."
"We all live in the same hometown so we can all contribute to the care regardless of where mom/bro is staying."
"It would be very detrimental to my brother's health if we put him in an assisted living facility."
"He is very emotionally attached to us and our family."
"So AITAH for telling my husband that if he didn't like it then he would have to leave?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided on whether or not the OP was the a**hole for giving her husband an ultimatum.
Some felt that the OP was, indeed, the a**hole, as the concerns of her husband were valid, and giving an ultimatum was way out of line, as many issues needed to be addressed:
"Your husband has very real concerns that need to be addressed, not dismissed with 'well you can leave'."
"You need to make sure your mother never oversteps and undermines your children's father (or you) again."
'You need to have a plan in place for if she slips."
"And your husband needs to have a say (and feel he has a say) in what happens in your shared home."
"It is as much his home as it is yours."
"The ultimatum was where you stated otherwise and that is what tips you into AH territory."
"Soft YTA."
'It is admirable what you want to do for your mother and brother, but you need to better consider its impact on your husband and children."- candycoatedcoward
"YTA."
"Based off of your answers, you have been avoiding answering a lot of questions and when you do answer some questions, you don't actually answer the question asked but just give a random answer that doesn't fit."
"With you being so shady on a post that you wrote, to paint yourself in the best of light, I can't imagine how much worse it is in reality with your husband."
"You have become an unreliable narrator."- SmaugTheHedgehog
Others felt that there were no a**holes in this situation, feeling that the OP was right to fulfill her obligations to her family, but her husband's concerns about the change it would cause in their lives were indeed valid:
"NAH."
"Just be prepared to lose your marriage."
"Hope it's worth it."- Small_Lion4068
"NAH."
"As someone who is currently a caregiver, moving 2 people around to new homes every few months is going to get real old, real fast."
"Not only that but it's very disruptive to them."
"You say home country; how far away is it. is the plan to move them permanently to the country you all are living in?"
"Are you going to move back home?"
"Are all of your homes set up to handle a quadriplegic AND an elderly woman who may have mobility issues?"
"If not, what will it take to retrofit them?"
"There is a whole host of other options between putting them in a nursing home and having them live with you permanently."
"Everyone, including spouses need to sit down and be honest about what it's going to take to manage their care and whether or not it's actually feasible."- terpischore761
"This is a tough one, but I have to go NAH."
"I understand you wish to help with your mom and brother, and I get where you're coming from with having told your husband this from the beginning."
"But I also understand where your husband is coming from."
'You're wanting to bring two more adults into the house for extended periods of time."
"Adults that are both going to need care or assistance."
"You already have two children in the house and you and your husband."
"Do you have the space for two more adults to have their own privacy?"
"How much will this increase living costs in the household?"
"Are you and your husband going to bear the brunt of the cost increase?"
"If your husband's parents end up needing help down the line, are you going to welcome them in as well?"
'And I hate to ask, but one day down the line when your mother passes, your brother is still going to need care and it will then fall solely on you two."
"There's a lot to consider, this is a huge decision."
"I don't think you're wrong for wanting to help, although the ultimatum was not very kind."
"But I don't think your husband is wrong for not wanting to give up his space to help caretake for two grown adults either."- Fun-Rip-4502
Following the fairly divided opinions of the Reddit community, the OP later returned with an update, thanking all who took the time to comment, sharing some details of how she planned to proceed, and sharing a bit more light on her current situation:
'I really appreciate everyone's comments as they have opened my eyes to a future reality that I had not foreseen."
"Who were we kidding!"
"I do believe the in-law suite option is great and one that my hubby and I have considered as well."
"I will say that hubby and I are fine and words were said in the heat of the moment."
"We will talk further and will have to come up with a better plan, especially have backup plans."
'Brothers do have significant others but no kids yet."
'Their SO are on board with taking care of mom/bro as this has always been a part of our family plan."
"We have always known that when my mom is no longer able to care for brother we will step in."
"This was not expected of us but rather a decision that we made and something that we are up front about when entering a serious relationship."
"Hence why this was not a surprise to my husband, it was not something new."
"We will clearly have to set boundaries with all parties involved."
The most difficult element of situations like this is that there is simply no easy solution.
Sacrifices and compromises will simply have to be made by anyone involved.
One can only hope that the OP will find a solution that will work out in the best interests of her mother and brother, but will also make her and her husband happy as well.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp