A 37-year-old wife found herself troubled by her 34-year-old husband’s friendship with one of his coworkers.
She eventually turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to propose a solution asking “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA).
Redditor WhatKatyDone asked:
“WIBTA If I asked my husband to please cool it with his work bromance?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My husband Jake works in a high-pressure, high-travel industry, and joined a new company last year, which meant we moved away from my family and support networks. When we moved, we had a two year old son.”
“Nicky (27-year-old man) started at the company around the same time as my husband and the two of them got on well. They both come from the same hometown, and in the macho bro culture of their industry they don’t quite fit in.”
“Jake is gentle and sensitive, and Nicky is a camp gay man.”
“I liked Nicky, and when I met Nicky’s boyfriend, I liked him as well. I was happy Jake had a work friend who wasn’t a dudebro.”
“Then three things happened at about the same time. I gave birth to mine and Jake’s second child, Nicky broke up with his boyfriend and the pandemic hit.”
“Now six months later the already insular work group is a ‘bubble’. They’re doing all the usual travelling, but partners and kids are not allowed to join.”
“If it was hard to be outside the group looking in before now, it’s become almost impossible. Jake is away for so long at the moment, and it’s really tough.”
“And at the same time, social media posts featuring Jake and Nicky are popping up constantly. Jake is 6’4″ and Nicky is 5’4″ so there’s cuteness value in them wearing matching shirts, or sleeping on each other’s shoulders in an airport, or whatever.”
“But there’s so much of it, I’m wondering whether it’s still just a bromance, especially for Nicky.”
“When I mentioned this to Jake, he said he treated Nicky like a favourite little brother, and if there WAS any attraction from Nicky to Jake it wouldn’t matter, since Jake is heterosexual.”
“And that’s true but I’m still feeling hurt over this. Part of it is the jealousy that Nicky gets to be with my husband more than I do, but also… Nicky is so cute.”
“I’ve gained weight in unflattering places after having two kids, and I’m ten years older. Nicky is so little and elfin and pretty that in a couple of pictures, peering up at Jake from under his arm or some other cuddly pose, I would have picked him to be a young woman.”
“I don’t really think that Jake would cheat on me, but my over-active brain has thought of plenty of situations where Nicky makes a pass and Jake, given we haven’t had sex since before the birth of our daughter, takes him up on it.”
“WIBTA for asking Jake to just stop? To move away from Nicky and definitely keep him at arms length, to become more friendly with the dudebros instead?”
“I know that Jake is Nicky’s closest friend, but if I have to see another Instagram bromance photo, I may lose it.”
“I just want to be the only person my husband is cute with.”
“Is that so wrong?”
Redditors were asked to weigh in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would be the a**hole if she went ahead with her suggested scenario.Â
“I’m not sure why you are comparing yourself looks wise to Nicky? If your husband is hetero then Nicky could look like a Greek god and it wouldn’t matter.”
“I think maybe you’re focusing on the wrong things. Your husband needs to make more time for you but not necessarily at the expense of a friend.” ~ hales83t
“Yeah I think this is it, it’s not about how the friend looks or how close her husband is with his new friend, as it doesn’t seem like anything inappropriate is happening.”
“What IS happening is that OP is in a new city, with no friends and no way to make friends, stuck at home with an infant and another young child in the middle of a pandemic, and a husband who is her only support away for long periods.”
“She’s watching her only support person pose for pics in matching shirts with someone else on social media, sleeping on each others’ shoulders and cuddling up etc. when SHE wants to be doing that with her partner. And then she’s projecting all her feelings (of wanting to spend more time with and be intimate with her partner) onto his friend.”
“I’m gonna say not a**hole (AH) because she’s not wrong for feeling lonely and wanting her husband to give her more attention, but it doesn’t sound like she’s communicated her needs to her husband either so he’s not really in the wrong for doing what he’s doing.”
“OP would be YTA if she told her husband to distance himself from his friend, that’s not the solution. The solution is for him to help his wife feel supported and loved, and for her to shake her insecurities about Nicky.” ~ Pookie103
“YTA if you address this like the problem is just their behavior and not mostly your insecurities and jealousy.”
“Talking about toning it down and being aware of boundaries, sure.”
“Just asking him to stop a friendship because you feel fat? That would be unacceptably controlling.” ~ lamamaloca
“YTA. I don’t have very many friends, and I’d be devastated if my SO asked me to put one of them at arms length. Especially over something as petty as jealousy.”
“That hurts on a lot of levels. I think it would come off better if you told him how you’re feeling instead of reacting to it on your own.”
“By virtue of working with his friend, he’s naturally going to see him more, but that doesn’t mean he can’t put more effort into your relationship while he’s with you. Just be nice about it, ya know?” ~ Soup_Snake5454
“YWBTA if you asked him to end the friendship. It’s good to talk about your feelings, important even. It’s not so great to force him to end a friendship that is clearly important to him.”
“I suspect that some of this relates to everything else going on in your relationship, new baby, not having time together etc. Maybe it’s worth looking into individual or couples therapy?” ~ thejudganaut
“What would the honest conversation even look like?”
“‘Jake, I realize the job that pays our bills requires you to travel a lot and because of circumstances beyond your control (pandemic) we can’t join you. And I know you don’t fit in with the ‘dudebros’ you work with’.”
“‘But because I feel insecure and jealous, I’m demanding you get rid of your support system at work and hurt a friend that I fetishized as elfin. If I’m miserable at home, I want you to be miserable at work too’.”
“YTA – YWBTA. You don’t want him to quit his job because you like the income (not once do you suggest he switch to a job that doesn’t require the travel that is the reason he’s with Nicky so often), but you want to make sure he’s unhappy doing it.”
“And when he cold shoulders Nicky because of your insecurities, you’ll create tension for him at work. And hurt someone who hasn’t done anything wrong.”
“Who cares if Nicky has a crush on your husband (not saying he does)? Do you not find attractive gay men attractive? Doesn’t mean you’re going to cheat on your husband or that they’re going to dive into the lady pond.”
“Your distrust of your husband and low regard for Nicky’s character (single gay man? he MUST be trying to f*ck my husband) is another reason YTA.” ~ LakotaGrl
The OP provided no updates. Hopefully they can find a way to meet their own emotional needs at home without ruining her husband’s work life.