Housework and after dinner clean up aren’t typically at the top of anyone’s list of fun things to do.
For most couples living in the modern era the housework is divided in a way that is agreed upon and both parties pull their own weight.
Redditor doingthemdishes recently found herself in a frustrating situation with her husband, so she turned to the subReddit “Am I the Asshole” (AITA) to see if her actions were justified, asking:
“AITA for not cleaning while I cook just to prove a point to my husband?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’ve always cleaned as I cook so that when it gets to the end of the meal, there’s minimal mess. My husband is the opposite. When he cooks, it’s like a bomb went off.”
”I’ve encouraged him to clean as he cooks, and if we’re doing a big meal/holiday meal together I often make sure to assign him that role. Like most people, one of us cooks, the other one cleans up. I am the better cook, so I cook like 80% of the time.”
”He gets an easy cleanup.”
“I’m busier than usual at work, so he’s had to step up. Whenever he’s done, the kitchen is a mess.”
“I don’t even get how it happens, there will be oil splatters untouched, stuff drying to dishes, peels and meat.”
”I’m not about to let food sit out overnight so after I’m done eating I’ll start the process and won’t get to really relax much. Last week I asked if he could please try cleaning as he cooks.”
”He told me ‘the rule is one person cooks, the other person cleans.’ I said ‘I get that but you’re leaving me with a huge mess every night.”
“He said ‘I just don’t have the time to clean up when I’m focused on cooking’ knowing full well I’ll see him scrolling on his phone. I just got so fed up, so on Sunday I made a big pot of chili.”
“I didn’t clean up as I worked, when I was done, I served him, sat down, enjoyed a beer and dinner.”
“When he finally went into the kitchen, he said ‘What the f*ck? Why is there such a mess?’ I said that I was too busy paying attention to the chili to clean up. I started to get ready for bed.”
”He was like, ‘Uhh you’re just going to leave this here?’ and I said yes. He said he would have to wake up extra early to clean up and that he had to be at work earlier than usual and was supposed to play a game with his friends later that night, so could I just clean up.”
“I said no, I cooked, so he has to clean.”
“Two days later he’s still pissy with me because he ended up not being able to game and told me that he didn’t get enough sleep and was exhausted at work (not to be TOO snarky, but it’s not like he’s a surgeon) because I had to ‘prove a point’ to him.”
“I told him that nothing else seemed to get his attention, and I feel pretty justified. He told me I was being a smug a**hole about it and it was childish.”
“AITA? Or is he?”
As the judgements rolled in OP added a few edits to the dishy post.
“EDIT: A couple of people asked how we can make so many dishes, it should take 15 minutes, etc. We don’t have a dishwasher (there’s no room for one), so everything has to be done by hand.”
”Additionally, ‘doing the dishes’ means cleaning up the counters and stovetop and sweeping the floor, taking out the trash if need be.”
“When I make chili, it’s a process starting w/ dried chilies that I toast, soak, seed, pulverize, etc. Then there’s cooking the dried beans, then there’s the onions and garlic and the peels, any other veggies, seeding tomato, cans of tomato, grinding the spices, etc.”
”Then there’s grating cheese for the top, etc. It definitely left a ton of dishes and other stuff behind.”
“EDIT 2: Sorry guys I was reading comments as I was at work, I thought this would get like… 10 comments tops. So another thing that comes up is ‘whoever cooks also cleans’ but since I cook most of the time, I just don’t see that as being also fair to me.”
”I’ll end up spending almost every single day after work (I’ve been ending work at 6 or 7 some days lately) cooking AND cleaning. If I had him cook more I would definitely start to gain weight and then we’d have another issue altogether HAHAHAHA.”
“FINAL EDIT: Thanks for all the feedback everyone. Oh and sorry to the people on ‘AmITheAngel’ for the ‘humblebraggy’ way I mentioned I make chili. Didn’t mean to make you guys feel inferior because I toasted a few chilies.”
”Lmao. ‘Oh it’s so fishy because she used dried beans’ Makes sense why people are asking for my recipe if the concept of toasting chilies and using dried beans is so novel. Lmao.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Not only was it agreed the OP was NTA, in fact, Redditors had very little tolerance for the husband’s behavior.
“NTA. He didn’t get to play his game with his friends? ‘Welcome to the real world, jackass’ ~Andy Samberg. He cooked a meal once, and expected you to clean it up.”
”(I get that this has probably happened multiple times. I just mean the one case you presented in the story.) So you just turned the tables on him. What a jerk. He’s got to grow up, and realizing that being an adult is just one big chore.”~tkn91191
“NTA. Seems like he was happy to do the whole “one cooks, one cleans” thing before because he had it so good. I fail to see how he could be exhausted from having to tidy up the kitchen afterwards.”
“You tried asking nicely because the situation was unfair, he didn’t listen. You did do it to prove a point, but in this instance I see nothing wrong with it.”~Bedlam_
“NTA. You requested something pretty simple. Instead of looking at the situation and seeing how his actions affected you, he was just focused on himself and the fact that he couldn’t ‘game with the fellas’. I would do this every single time I cooked until he actually got the point.”~JazzyPhotoMac
“Listen I don’t want to make a huge deal here and cause drama but it’s clear we’re married to the same man and he’s living a double life. We need to figure this out.”
“We need to confront him. Let me know what day is good for you. NTA.”~SurferRosa85
”How bad/inefficient is he at washing dishes that he ended up being sleep deprived and missed gaming because he had to clean up after you cooked chili? I mean…FFS.”
“Unless you managed to spill tomato sauce on every inch of the kitchen and let it dry, it can’t possible have taken that long to wash a load of dishes and wipe the counters off.”~SpicyWonderBread
OP and her husband will certainly still need to hash this one out with a follow up conversation. But for now OP can know she is NTA.