Having friends and family over for dinner can be a complicated endeavor.
Namely owing to the concern that not everyone might like what you plan on serving.
Accommodating everyone's diets and allergies can also be a burden.
Thankfully, some guests are polite enough to stomach eating something they normally hate for one night or give their hosts fair warning that their dietary restrictions might pose problems, so they might even bring food of their own.
Unfortunately, not everyone is as practical or understanding.
The family of a recent Redditor was getting ready for their annual family reunion, which culminated in a massive cookout.
Throwing a wrench in these plans, however, was the original poster (OP)'s sister, who had recently made significant changes to her diet.
So much so that the OP's sister insisted that all the food served at the cookout adhered to her dietary restrictions and beliefs.
A demand the OP found completely unreasonable, which she had no trouble telling to her sister's face.
Fearing she may have been out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my sister she's ruining our family tradition by being vegan?"
The OP explained why she felt the need to put her sister in her place:
"I (29 F[emale]) come from a very close-knit family."
"Every year, we have a big family reunion where everyone gathers at our grandparents' farm for a week of fun, bonding, and a massive feast on the last night."
"This feast is a big deal—it's a traditional barbecue with recipes passed down through generations."
"This year, my younger sister (24 F) announced that she's become vegan."
"While I respect her choices, she insisted that the entire feast be vegan to accommodate her."
"My grandparents, who are in their late 70s, have been preparing for this reunion for months, planning all the usual dishes."
"They were confused and hurt when my sister demanded they change everything."
"I tried to find a compromise by suggesting we have a few vegan dishes alongside the traditional ones."
"But my sister said that wasn't good enough and that having non-vegan food at the table would make her uncomfortable and ruin her experience."
"Things got heated, and I told her that while her new lifestyle is important, it's unfair to expect the whole family to change a cherished tradition for her."
"I suggested she could bring her own vegan dishes if she felt that strongly about it."
"She called me selfish and said I was undermining her beliefs."
"Now, my parents are torn, and the reunion is in jeopardy."
"Half the family thinks I'm being reasonable, while the other half believes we should support my sister's new choices."
"AITA for telling my sister she's ruining our family tradition by being vegan?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**Hole for confronting her sister.
While not everyone agreed that the OP's sister was ruining everything with her decision to be vegan, they agreed that her demand for an entirely vegan menu at the barbecue was highly unreasonable, and she deserved to know that.
"NTA."
"Offering a few vegan dishes for her is a perfectly fine compromise."
"It could even lead to your other relatives enjoying the vegan dishes and thinking about going vegan as well."
"But demanding that every single meal be vegan is very selfish."
"If she has that big of a problem with there being nonvegan food, she shouldn't come."- tari-bunny
"NTA."
"There is a reason why there is often a lot of backlash against vegans, and it is almost entirely down to people like your sister."
"Her diet is her personal choice and goes against the tradition and standards that have been followed up until now - she is expecting every other attendee to compromise their enjoyment of the event (not that vegan food is necessarily bad, but in this case, it means omitting peoples favorite dishes) solely for her enjoyment."
"While she can disapprove of people eating a non-vegan diet, she has to be able to accept it and be around it."
"That's not to say there isn't room for improvement and change in traditions - there is no reason you couldn't include for vegan options, and if society's attitude continues to change towards veganism and such diets, then there may come a time a tradition like this starts having more vegan attendees and less traditional meat-based dishes, but that will be a natural progression over time as the whole attendee group changes, not forced upon it by one person."- Nrysis
"She's not ruining your family tradition by being vegan herself - she IS ruining it by insisting that everyone bend to her will."
"So, on that basis, NTA."
"Veganism is not a 'protected characteristic' under equalities law, and it's militant entitled vegans like your sister who inspire jokes like the vegan and vegetarian jumping off a cliff, which made me go oof, AND laugh my arse off."- TeenySod
"NTA."
"No one has any right to dominate a menu over personal choices when they aren't even providing the food or the setting."
"I'd turn her own sh*t back on her and refuse to go unless there's meat available."- TheVaneja
"She gets to choose to be vegan for HERSELF."
"She doesn't get to FORCE it on others."
"Why is that so hard for people?"
"NTA."- angel9_writes
"NTA."
"Your sister expects her whole family to accommodate her, but she isn't willing to accommodate them."- CrabbiestAsp
"NTA."
"I'm intolerant to milk I don't make people change an entire party just for me, I will bring my own dishes if necessary."- No_Caramel2506
"NTA."
"Veganism is a choice not the cult your sister is trying to turn it into."
"Trying to force it on others is not cool. It's bullying."- Useful_Context_2602
"NTA."
"My cousin is vegan and she accepts us eating meat during our last vacation together we had one evening a complete vegan dinner on the other days she got her vegan dish."
"You could tell her she is selfish for not supporting/undermining your meat-based tradition."- BluetoothXIII
"NTA."
"Continue with BBQ as planned."
"Send out a text with the menu and say any other dishes you'd like, please bring them to share."
"She can come or not come. Leave the choice up to her."- wlfwrtr
"NTA."
"She is being the type of vegan that everyone hates."
"She needs to stop pushing her agenda on the extended family and either suck it up for the family feast or not attend for that night."
"She needs to pull her head in and stop being too entitled. It is not a good look on anyone."-Humble_Scarcity1195
"NTA."
"You gave her great options. She chose not to accept them."
"The audacity to call you selfish for suggesting very reasonable compromises while she's demanding EVERYONE change their traditions and not eat what they want and enjoy just because having nonvegan things around makes her uncomfortable?"
"What?"
"Does she think having milk or meat in the same room is going to contaminate the vegan dishes?"
"Does she know grocery stores sell nonvegan things alongside the vegan ones?"
"As someone who has worked in a grocery store employees often stock things like meat and cheese then go stock stuff like veggies."
"So no animal products at all or is it just food?"
"Does that mean she only wears cotton or polyester?"
"No wool or silk?"
"No leather or suede belts or bags or shoes?"
"No fur coats or blankets?"
"Will she get uncomfortable and expect YOU to never use any of these things?"
"What type of mattress does she have?"
"Do her pillows have feathers?"
"If the answer to any of these is yes, then she is a hypocrite to ask y'all to change your entire feast to vegan when she wouldn't even be a true vegan."
"If she goes to a restaurant, is she going to throw a fit because the stranger at the table next to her ordered a burger or a steak?"
"People that expect others to change their livelihood to accommodate their CHOICES are wild."
"It would be one thing if she developed an allergy and was asking for that to be excluded, but to demand all animal products be excluded because of her moral beliefs is a whole other level of crazy entitlement."
"If being around nonvegan food makes her THAT uncomfortable, she should just stay home where she's comfortable with all her synthetic and protein deficit products."- ApprehensiveEgg6415
It can be frustrating to show up for a meal, only to discover there is no food you are able to eat.
And an all-vegan menu might be a little more understandable if this was a celebration specifically for the OP's sister.
However, as this was a family celebration, she did not have the final say on the menu.
If the OP had been a bit more sensitive and supportive of her sister's new vegan lifestyle, she would also have been right to stand up to her.
Regardless of what food is served, this is bound to be a family reunion to remember.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp