Even though the pandemic is barely behind us, it's as if people are starting to forget what it was like to work from home.
More importantly, they're forgetting that remote jobs are still real jobs, stressed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit, and deserve the same respect on-location jobs receive.
Redditor Famousbeauty40 was becoming increasingly tired of the comments her sister made about her job, both because she was an artist and because she worked from home.
But when her sister made an especially snide comment, stating that she did nothing all day and had ample time to babysit her son, the Original Poster (OP) was hurt and refused to babysit her nephew anymore.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to babysit my nephew after my sister insulted my career?"
The OP had fallen into a routine of babysitting her nephew while working from home.
"I (29 Female) am a freelance graphic designer, and I work from home. I love what I do and have built a successful business over the past five years."
"My sister, Sarah (34 Female), has a five-year-old son, 'Ethan,' who is energetic and quite a handful. Sarah works a traditional 9:00 AM to 5:00PM job, and her husband often travels for work."
"For the past year, Sarah has been asking me to babysit Ethan several times a week. She claims it's because I'm home all day and have a flexible schedule."
"I agreed at first, but it quickly became overwhelming. Ethan demands a lot of attention, and it's hard to focus on my work when he's around."
"I typically work 40 to 50 hours per week on various projects, and Sarah also has other potential babysitting options, but they cost more money."
Then the OP's sister became overly rude about the setup.
"I started setting boundaries, saying I could only babysit on specific days or times. Sarah didn't take this well and kept pushing for more."
"Last week, things came to a head. Sarah called me in the middle of a work deadline, asking if I could take Ethan because her regular babysitter canceled at the last minute."
"I told her I couldn't, as I had an important project due."
"She snapped, saying, 'You're just sitting at home drawing; how hard can it be to watch a kid?'"
"This wasn't the first time Sarah made a dismissive comment about my job, but this time, I was hurt and angry. I told her that my job is just as important and demanding as hers and that she should respect my time."
"She hung up on me, and we haven't spoken since."
Much to the OP's dismay, her family sided with her sister.
"Yesterday, I got a call from our mom, saying that Sarah is struggling and needs help with Ethan and that I should be more supportive because 'family comes first.'"
"I explained what happened, and Mom said I was being too sensitive and should let it go."
"But I feel disrespected and don't want to babysit Ethan anymore, at least until Sarah apologizes and acknowledges that my work is important."
"Now, Sarah is telling our relatives that I'm refusing to help her out of spite, and some of them agree with her."
"I'm starting to feel guilty but also stand by my need for boundaries and respect."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the sister couldn't ask for help and throw insults; she had to pick one.
"NTA. When you want someone's help, maybe don't insult them? Actions have consequences." - Massive-Hunter3218
"This is one of those things I don't understand about some families. Someone wants help, another person says yes, that someone takes advantage of the other person's time, and that person says, 'Wait, this is becoming too much now.'"
"Then the someone says, 'But faaaaaaaamily,' and the person says, 'Oh well, figure it out if you can't respect my time.' Then the someone spews lies to the family, and they somehow expect the person to still help them out after that? Make it make sense!"
"NTA, OP." - Disastrous-Sthe
"If she's lying to the relatives to get them to bully you, I'd never babysit again, no matter what. It shows that she has zero appreciation for you or your time. NTA." - AuggieNorth
"Easy, tell everyone that you're glad they agree family comes first, because now they can watch the kid your sister chose to have. You can also say that you appreciate their support during your time of need and you're glad you can count on family to help lessen your load."
"NTA. And I would absolutely cut out watching the kid 100%. Your sister is an entitled jerk." - I_Dont_Like_Rice
"NTA. Stop watching Ethan right now!"
"She chose to have a child and now she is dumping it off at yours. It's her responsibility."
"She needs to get the father involved more, other relatives of his, and especially YOUR MOM. Let me guess, she was always the golden child?"
"I'd write something like: 'Ethan is your child, not mine. Since you completely disrespect me and my career, I have decided not to watch your child anymore. I have been doing you lots of favors and don't deserve disrespect in return.'"
"And then block her for a while."
"If your mom has a problem, say you are too busy with your career and ignore her as well."
"Tell any relatives that have a problem to watch him instead. If they continue, tell them to stop harassing you. Don't tell any of them your business anymore either."
"If you make it too easy for people like this to dump their children elsewhere, they will soon have another kid and another one, and then you can care for the whole bunch of them." - Trailsya
"If 'family comes first,' why can't your mother do the babysitting?"
"For future reference, anyone who uses that phrase is an AH. They're saying it because there's not an actual justification for whatever it is they want."
"I damaged my career by being in exactly the situation you're in. I work nearly every waking hour, but like you, I can arrange the hours however I like."
"One friend (with a spouse who has exactly the same job as me) interpreted that to mean that I could do whatever she wanted me to do. If I tried to say I was too busy, I'd get the 'a real friend would do this' line. She would never even dream of asking her husband and would tell me he was too busy to help her."
"Sarah has no respect for your job. You need to be unavailable until she gets it. Give it at least a couple of months. Even then, set a limit for yourself in terms of hours per week. Do it even if you have more time. You clearly need to demonstrate to her that your time is worthy of respect, just like everyone else's." - Dry_Sandwich_860
Others agreed and reassured the OP that she was right to prioritize her career over childcare.
"The OP should tell her sister's flying monkeys that, since 'family comes first,' they have three choices: 1. Babysit the kid themselves. 2. Chip in and pay for a sitter or regular daycare. 3. Shut the f**k up."
"NTA." - PrideofCapetown
"It is actually great that so many people are taking her side! They can all babysit. Problem solved."
"Stand your ground. Make plans when you're not working. Don't be available. You don't have children. Live your childless life."
"It is not enough for Sarah to apologize for insulting you. She then slandered you and now needs to set the record straight. Do not even consider making time for her unless she tells everyone the truth and starts respecting you." - SeaworthinessDue8650
"The OP wrote, 'Yesterday, I got a call from our mom, saying that Sarah is struggling and needs help with Ethan, and that I should be more supportive because 'family comes first.'"
"NTA. Not this canard again!"
"No, family does NOT come first."
"On serious matters (this is a serious matter), you must take care of yourself first, before you can take care of others. It is not mandatory for other people to understand your decisions in order for you to demand that they abide by them." - atmasabr
"What don't people understand about working from home? You are still working."
"I work from home but I still send my toddler to daycare, because there is no way I would be able to get any work done if they were home."
"You are in the same situation, BUT this isn't your kid. Your sister can send their kid to daycare just like everyone else. NTA." - mags7683
"NTA."
"First of all, I'm so sick of the 'family comes first' card. As an individual human being, you are allowed to set boundaries, even with family. Stand for your boundaries and just as importantly, respect."
"She should have been grateful you agreed to watch her son during your specific work hours to begin with. She had a child and it is her responsibility to find proper childcare for him, and if you are unavailable, that should be respected."
"Secondly, as an artist myself, people tend to be completely dismissive of our work. Or anything they deem 'non-traditional work,' such as entrepreneurial work where you make your own hours/schedule or work from home, etc."
"Thirdly, she blatantly disrespected you, your work, and your time. I'm a firm believer that it doesn't matter if your family doesn't give you a green light for inconsequential disrespect. She is being selfish, and rude, and wants cheaper or free childcare without concern for you."
"I would not consider watching the boy again until she has genuinely apologized for this, or she will continue to take advantage, and it will most likely happen again." - Existing_641
While the OP was feeling pressure from her family, the subReddit hoped that she would not cave in after how her sister and family members treated her. Even though she worked from home, and even though her career was in artistry, that did not change the fact that she was working.
Not to mention the fact that treating someone this way and still expecting them to help seems like the least productive course of action ever. Hopefully the sister didn't have a job in Strategy.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp