As much of a bummer as this might be, in 2024, we live in a world where nothing is getting any more affordable.
If a person really wants something, they have to find a way to save up for it. And if a person has poor spending habits and suddenly has to come up with money for an emergency surgery, that's going to be harder to do than ever before, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor True-Strawberry-9409 had spent the past year saving up money with her partner so that they could take their first romantic, international trip together. Everything had already been paid for.
Her brother, on the other hand, had poor spending habits and did not have the money he needed when he suddenly needed an important dental surgery.
But the Original Poster (OP) was still shocked when her family pressured her to give up the trip she'd worked hard for so she could fund her brother's surgery entirely out of her pocket.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to cancel my vacation after my brother demanded I pay for his "emergency" surgery instead?"
The OP and her partner had been planning their vacation for the past year.
"So, here's the situation. I (30 Female) have been planning a two-week vacation to Europe with my partner for the past year."
"We've both saved up a lot of money for this trip, and it's a big deal for us because we've never been on a major vacation together before."
"The flights, hotels, and everything have already been paid for."
But then an emergency came up with the OP's brother.
"Last week, my brother (35 Male) called me in a panic, saying he needs emergency surgery for a dental issue. It's not life-threatening, but his tooth infection is bad, and it needs to be dealt with soon."
"He doesn't have insurance (it's a long story involving bad financial decisions), and the procedure is going to cost about ten thousand dollars."
"He asked me to loan him the money, but there's no way I have an extra $10K lying around after paying for this vacation."
"When I told him that, he got mad and said I should cancel my trip to help him, since 'family comes first.' He even suggested I ask for refunds on the flights and hotels, as though that would magically solve the problem."
"I told him I felt bad for his situation, but I wasn't going to cancel a trip we'd been planning for a year over his poor financial choices, especially when this isn't a life-or-death situation."
Even the OP's mother took a side in the situation.
"He lost it, called me selfish, accused me of abandoning him in his time of need, and got our mom involved."
"Now, my mom is pressuring me to cancel and help him out, saying it's 'just a vacation' and that I can always reschedule."
"But I don't think it's fair that I should be expected to sacrifice something I've worked hard for because my brother can't handle his own responsibilities. Is he lying about the cost to drain me of my money or something?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the OP's mom should pay instead of expecting one of her kids to.
"Obviously NTA. And I must ask, how much is mom contributing, since she's butting in?" - noplaceinmind
"Does mom have a reason for not contributing?"
"Oh wait, yes, I forgot, yes, she does. It costs her nothing to spend the OP's money instead." - TexasYankee212
"It's really funny how 'family comes first,' but OP's brother isn't putting OP first."
"All of the labor, sacrifice, mental load, and ACTUAL financial responsibility of that vacation should be dismissed... because OP doesn't come first." - CassTitov
"NTA. Mum can lend him the money if she is so concerned. Go, enjoy your hard-earned vacation." - Financial_Bear_5071
"Jeez, I don't know where you live, but I live in the Boston area, and when I broke a tooth, it got infected. I got put to sleep, had bone grafting to prep for implant, had the tooth extracted, and it cost me 500 dollars. I thought that was expensive."
"The implant, being put to sleep again, and the service is supposed to cost around 1,200 dollars."
"OP, your brother may have a tooth infection but me thinks someone is not telling the whole truth."
"Even if the cost is as high as some people are mentioning, it shouldn't cost more than a few grand. Has he gotten a second or third quote for this overly-priced infection? I think he wants ten thousand dollars to possibly pay off debt or something."
"The whole idea of you canceling your trip is not gonna get him the amount of money he is hoping for. Dooooo Noooooot cancel your trip for his dental issues."
"If your mom is upset, why isn't she helping him out? You do you!"
"Most definitely NTA! In fact, your brother is TA for thinking it okay to ask someone to cancel a trip they have been planning for a year because he has a yucky mouth!" - Abott6pack
Others pointed out that ten thousand dollars was an obscene amount for a dental procedure.
"Even if the OP's brother screwed himself over badly enough to not have insurance (I REALLY want to hear that story, start to finish, because WOW), Care Credit is a thing."
"I also want to know what dental procedure costs ten thousand that deals in infections, because I've been through a load of dental procedures and none of them came close to that amount!" - chiitaku
"My son just had a root canal for an infected molar. He elected to save the tooth, which will cost about 3,200 dollars, including a crown. He was also told the tooth could be pulled for just 300 dollars. I'm thinking ten thousand sounds awfully high."
"And also, the brother can take out a loan or see if the dentist has a payment program. Many of them do."
"I think he would rather sponge off his sister and most likely never pay it back. NTA." - Such_Ad9962
"My first thought was that was that this procedure isn't going to cost that much."
"My second thought was that bills from urgent dental procedures that aren't covered by insurance are usually sent to his home after the procedure is finished. Even hypothetically if OP offered to pay, she could ask to see the bill/claim and pay the dental office directly."
"My third thought was that the brother probably would have demanded that OP pay him directly and not the dentist which is total bulls**t because he doesn't need the money for a dental procedure. He chose a dental procedure because it's not like OP can open his mouth and check that the surgery actually happened."
"That money would be gone GONE and OP would have been funding another one of his shitty financial decisions."
"NTA. He's trying to scam you." - Jasperjamboree
"I had ALL my top teeth removed due to infection and poor jaw health... Thanks, genetics... AND got a full top plate. I paid cash, and it cost me less than 2,000 dollars."
"My s**t's not top of the line, but god bless DixieLand Dental. The wait is insane, it took 24+ hours of calling just to make an appointment, but their prices are great. If I can have multiple teeth pulled AND get a top plate for 2,000 dollars, bro's blowing smoke to screw his sister over."
"NTA, and as a sufferer of tooth infection for the better part of 25 years, he'll either survive the pain or find a way, not you, to fix it."
"He's five years your senior; HE should be helping YOU... or he should at least be proud of his sister for making far better financial decisions than he has. NTA." - HeyPrettyLadyMaaam
"Here's the the thing. I think he's getting an extraction AND an implant. That would still leave him with four-to-six-thousand dollars of 'fun money' from what he tricked out of the OP."
"The worst part is that this likely would take multiple sessions, so the brother shouldn't even have to pay all of this money, if it's really required, in one go. Plus there are other programs out there when the insurance is not enough or non-existent."
"The OP definitely should not give him the money. The brother has other options than manipulating her but he just wants the OP to make it easier for him."
"Also, I'm assuming since the OP said she AND her partner have been planning this trip that she AND her partner have been paying for it, which makes this trip money BOTH of their money. Either way, the OP and her partner will never see that money again, either, if she gives it to him." - Easy-Concentrate2635
"I am willing to bet 20 dollars right now that the ten thousand includes an implant. He's not just getting an extraction. He's getting CBCT (Cone Beam Computed Tomography), sedation, bone grafting, implant, possibly PRF (Platelet Rich Fibrin), and tissue guide. There is no way this is a bare-bones extraction."
"I lost my back molar to an infection. The stupid thing wasn't cracked or anything... No cavity... The dentist was actually stumped when he got it out, wondering how it was infected."
"I asked about an implant before it was removed, and the dentist just said, 'Try to go without it. If you can't stand it, I'll tell you what the implant costs.'"
"I do not have said implant... It's fine. What the brother is trying to do to the OP is not fine. NTA, OP." - HawksAndStuff
The subReddit was shocked by how the OP was being treated and urged her not only to enjoy her vacation instead of helping her brother out, but to also potentially put some permanent distance between herself and her family members who would expect her to always put "family first."
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp