It's no secret that planning and paying for a wedding is more expensive than ever, and more and more people are skipping their honeymoons, simply because they can't afford it.
But some people refuse to accept that their wedding plans are much greater than their budgets, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor brownbeautyxx empathized with her sister when she said she couldn't afford a lot of her wedding expenses and was happy to help pay for it, including paying extra money at the last minute.
But when the Original Poster (OP) discovered that her sister had exaggerated how much money she needed just to get more money from her, she quickly changed her mind about helping pay for the wedding, even if that meant canceling the honeymoon or changing the wedding plans.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to pay for my sister's wedding after I found out she lied about her finances?"
The OP and the rest of the family helped the OP's sister have the wedding of her dreams.
"I (28 Female) recently found myself in a really tough spot with my little sister (25 Female), and I'm struggling to figure out if I'm in the wrong here."
"My sister has been planning her wedding for over a year, and I've been saving up to help her out financially."
"Our family isn't wealthy, so we all pitched in a portion to make her dream wedding come true.
"Approximately three months ago, she told me that her wedding budget was way over the limit, and she asked if I could give her an extra $10,000 to cover costs (in two $5000 payments)."
"Of course, this is a lot of money, so naturally I was a bit hesitant, but she's my little sister, so, of course, I wanted to support her. I agreed to help, even though it meant dipping into my own savings."
"She promised that this would be the last of her financial requests and assured me that her budget was tight but manageable."
But then the OP discovered her sister hadn't been forthcoming about her finances at all.
"But then, fast forward to last week, I found out through a mutual friend that my sister actually had saved up a significant amount of money on her own and had been misrepresenting her financial situation to our immediate family (me, mom, dad, and all who were all pitching in)!"
"Before anyone asks me if I am sure, yes, I am."
"One way that I know is because part of the money I gave her was to help cover hotel costs for guests (normal in my culture for anyone wondering). I am mentioning this because it was through a mutual friend I found out the rooms per night in this hotel were actually $110... but in other conversations with me, she told me it was $200. That's a big difference when you cover all the guests."
"She also told my mom and I that she and her fiance were not having a honeymoon to save on costs... It turns out that's not true, either, as it was found out she sent pics of the flight reservations (TO FIJI!!!) to her girls' group chat. An EXTREMELY expensive location!"
"It is very clear her plan was to use the 'extra' money to fund her lavish honeymoon and to splurge on some high-end wedding accessories that weren't budgeted for."
The OP confronted her sister about what she discovered.
"When I confronted her, she admitted to exaggerating the financial strain to get more money from me and others."
"I was OBVIOUSLY furious. I feel like she took advantage of my generosity, and now I'm rethinking whether I should still help with the remaining wedding costs."
"She's been begging me to reconsider, but I can't get over the betrayal."
The family was split over what to do about the OP's sister's lies.
"My family is divided. Some think I'm being too harsh and should just overlook it as they are saying it's her wedding and it's not nice to ruin things last minute. My friends and husband agree that she crossed a line."
"I don't want to be the villain in this story, but I also can't shake the feeling that she needs to face the consequences of her actions."
"So, am I wrong for refusing to pay the remaining $5,000 for my sister's wedding after discovering she lied about her finances?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out the sister was ruining her wedding "last-minute," not the OP.
"NTA. Your family is correct in saying it's her wedding and it's not nice to ruin things last minute."
"But, you are not the one ruining things, it's her lies and her leeching."
"Why should you deep into your savings when it's not your wedding? Your savings have a purpose, and that does not include sponsoring a Fiji honeymoon."
"Also, divorce yourself from the attitude that she's 'little.' She is a grown adult."
"What is her future husband paying for if you are all paying for the wedding and honeymoon?" - Ok_Design_705
"It sounds like you are basically paying for her lavish honeymoon! YOU ARE PAYING FOR IT by giving her 10k. I would not give a cent more than you have already given!"
"Wanting you to foot the bill, and other family members, while she lied about it is definitely BEYOND GREEDY!" - Fresh-Scallion602
"It sounds like you made a tough choice but you're definitely not in the wrong here. Your sister crossed a big line by lying about her finances just to get more money for her wedding and honeymoon."
"It really puts you in a tough spot if your family is divided on this. Maybe just clarify to them that you're not against supporting her, but it's about the dishonesty. Just focus on what you think is right, and don't let her lack of transparency impact your finances moving forward." - leavesmeplease
"She lied to her family. She's the one who spoilt her wedding, and you don't owe anything and should expect everything you have given so far, back."
"If she lied to you, she will lie to her husband, so the wedding won't last anyway, so there's no point in spending a lot on it." - Hminney
"NTA! Basically, your family says she made a mistake, and she is sorry. Let's see her 'mistakes.'"
"She lied to everybody about having money saved. She manipulated everyone to pay for things she could afford herself."
"She lied to you about hotel costs, and in doing so, my opinion is that she is stealing your money bc she deceived you on a false premise. She pocketed the money to impress or even make people jealous of her expensive wedding."
"She lied to you about the honeymoon. Like a dumba**, she posted it on social media to brag about it. She told you she wasn't going to save money. Yeah, her money while she is milking everyone to pay for it behind your back."
"Now, she says you are ruining her wedding day because you are not going to another 5,000 dollars when she lied, and especially because she has the money to pay for it herself. Your parents are more than welcome to forgive her."
"She never once cared that this was going to be a financial strain on your family. No, it's just about her and her entitlement that everyone else should pay bc she is special. She is arrogant in thinking that the bigger her wedding, the more important she is."
"If your family keeps saying she made a mistake and it is her special day, I would respond a mistake is something that you didn't plan to happen. She purposely lied to steal everyone's money to save her money. She betrayed her family."
"So, you should just forget everything because your family and family help your family, which is a crock of s**t because it is only thrown around when the family wants something from you and you say no. The minute you say no, they say, 'you're selfish;' 'you're ruining my special day;' 'you are just jealous because you couldn't have a wedding like mine;' and the coupe de gras is 'family forgives because that is what family does.'"
"Yeah, no, she f**ked around and found out. She played stupid games and now winning stupid prizes. She can afford her lavish wedding without your money."
"If any other family members text you, saying you should just give her the money, I would say, 'Your family, too, so you can just give your money to increase her bank. I've given enough.'" - ckm22055
Others agreed and felt the sister needed to understand her actions had consequences.
"The sister needs a sit-down discussion. Make her explain to everyone how much money she hid."
"No one will give her anything more and she will repay the value of what she hid to those who donated it."
"This is basically fraud. It is not something you 'let go.' It's paying for a holiday, not surgery. She needs to give everyone a groveling apology." - Beth21286
"This is fraud! OP doesn't award her bad behavior by giving her more money. In fact, tell her that you want to work out a payment plan for the first £5000 you gave her because it was given under false pretenses and that fraud is a very serious crime."
"Send it in a text, so you're creating a paper trail. NTA." - Apart_Foundation1702
"Don't give the remaining $5,000 and ask for the other $5,000 to be returned. Your sister lied to get extra money from her family. You don't overlook lies."
"I would ask members of the family who said to overlook the matter whether they actively teach their children or siblings to lie. NTA." - No_Cockroach4248
"NTA. You are not the a**hole for refusing to pay the remaining 5,000 dollars for your sister's wedding. She lied to you and took advantage of your generosity." - Charming_Ally
"What the sister did is a scam. She's a scammer. She isn't any morally different than the professionals who target unsuspecting people."
"If OP's family understood that or if it happened to them, then they probably wouldn't just tell OP to 'overlook it' because they don't want to see a wedding 'ruined' (which it won't be because the sister clearly can afford it). NTA." - jasperjamboree
The subReddit could not believe the audacity of the OP's sister for lying to her family for more money, but also for the family supporting the sister so she could have her dream wedding and honeymoon.
As much as we might like to think that calling this "fraud" would be an exaggeration, it actually isn't, and in some ways, it's so much worse, and certainly more personal, for a person to con their own family out of money than an employee stealing money from a company.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp