Going out to eat is one of life's greatest joys.
Let's be honest, many of us order out far more than we should.
It's not always about the food.
More often than not, it's about social interaction and human connection.
But the food is a big part. Who doesn't like to treat themselves?
People want to eat out at a place they love and with people who make them comfortable.
That's why when planned dinners with "loved ones" go awry it can cause quite a stir.
Case in point...
Redditor DragonflySouth4310 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for ordering a giant steak against my M[other] I[n] L[aw]'s will, then actually eating it and refusing to cover the entire bill?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"This is ridiculous and I can't believe I have to ask if I'm an a**hole, but here we go."
"I (F[emale] 27) have been together with my husband Nate for over ten years and married for 4."
"I don't have the best relationship with my MIL as she always seems to police what I eat."
"Everyone in my family has fast metabolisms."
"I am also working with horses so due to this burn a lot of calories (talking about 2.5-3k a day) and usually have rather large meals to get the energy back and I still remain skinny."
"Now to the event."
"My in-law invited me and Nate for dinner last Friday."
"I was very busy back then and haven't eaten since about 6-7 am and also didn't have a chance to have a snack before heading to the restaurant."
"So I was starving."
"I usually have something to eat before seeing my MIL to avoid her comments."
"Due to this, I ordered a large steak at the restaurant which was meant for two people."
"It also came with prawns, bacon, and two sides."
"Please note it was not the most expensive item on the menu as some of my in-laws had significantly pricier dishes and we were all splitting the bill anyway."
"My MIL started making comments about how I shouldn't be ordering what I can't eat since even her husband wouldn't be able to finish the dish, let alone someone my size."
"I smiled and said I haven't eaten since early morning and am starving. If I don't finish the steak, I will take the leftovers home."
"I easily finished the steak and was waiting for my dessert when my MIL flipped."
"She said I am attention seeking and was putting on a show."
"She also said I have made my F[ather] I[n] L[aw] and B[rother] I[n] L[aw] feel uneasy and that a woman shouldn't eat that much, it is unhealthy, and something is wrong with me."
"She has then demanded me and Nate cover the entire bill as she wasn't planning on 'such a big expenditure.'"
"I said we are absolutely not covering the entire bill since it was meant to be split equally and reminded her of the dishes she ordered."
"Which were significantly more expensive compared to my steak (including her starter)."
"As a result, I was called an a**hole who has ruined a family dinner."
"Nate is on my side, but most of his family are making very passive-aggressive posts on social media about it."
"And keep sending me different articles about 'What might cause excessive eating.'"
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. I hope you stared your MIL dead straight in the eyes as you took the last bite of your steak." ~ JoeyShabadoo79
"And as she ate, the MIL unwittingly witnessed a feminist revolt being unleashed as a mere woman ate more than the men!!"
"Then, MIL gasps and withers away in misogyny as OP heads to her happily ever after!" ~ crack_crack9000
"Local woman, denied steak by mother-in-law, resorts to eating mother-in-law. 'I was hungry' she said."
"OP, NTA. Your mother-in-law is bananas."
"If you refused to pay for you're agreed upon dinner, then maybe but like."
"God forbid you eat when you're hungry." ~ Radiant-Walrus-4961
"OP, if you and Nate ever have kids, keep them away from MIL at mealtimes as much as possible."
"She'll food-police them too and probably single out any girls for an extra dose of toxic food attitudes."
"No child needs to be set up for eating disorders."
"It sounds like the whole family has a strange preoccupation with other people's food intake, to be honest." ~ OhEstelle
"Some Bobby Hill when he breaks up with the vegetarian energy and I'm so here for it."
"OP, NTA. My metabolism is the same way, I'd just start sending them articles detailing an overactive metabolism in response to the shameful ones they're sending to insinuate an E[eating] D[isorder]."
"Thankfully most people believe me when I say I can eat all that." ~ givemeapuppers
"NTA. I did something similar one time."
"8th-grade field trip to NYC."
"We had to bring our own money to pay for food obviously but our teacher escorts only wanted to eat at the most expensive places that no fricking 8th grader could have afforded OR their parents could have imagined having to send enough money to cover."
"I was tired of it, not very hungry, and at an expensive place."
"The only thing on the menu that even sounded appetizing was the chocolate cake."
"Very decadent very large lol."
"It's worth noting that there was a rule that we HAD to order something to eat at each of our stops for 'health reasons.'"
"So I ordered the cake."
"When the waitress arrived she made a joke about 'who was naughty and just ordered dessert' etc."
"My teacher was PISSED."
"She called me down to her end of the table and called me every name under the sun and every version of a fat pig possible."
"And how I 'knew that isn't what she meant by having to order something.'"
"Mind you this CAKE for ONE PERSON was $25… in 2006."
"You can imagine how expensive the 'actual' food was."
"But at that point, I had already bought and paid for it since it was a group of about 40 children each paying for their own meal the restaurant required us to pay upfront before they would bring the food so there was nothing she could really do."
"All of this after DAYS of constant bullying on her part."
"So I sat down and even though it nearly made me puke I ate EVERY SINGLE CRUMB of cake off that plate."
"It was so decadent it put me off chocolate for months but I didn't care."
"I had the biggest s**t-eating grin the entire time and she was so pissed she couldn't stop me that she didn't even eat her $150 dinner."
"She just glared at me the entire time. It was glorious." ~ Dwestmor1007
"MIL probably claimed that OP ran up the bill and cost her money."
"The bill was going to be split equally, and MIL's meal was even more expensive than OP's, so she was likely counting on more of her costs being covered by others."
"So she probably claimed OP cost her money and was rude to her, and they don't want to be her next target so they're piling on." ~ calling_water
"This makes me wonder if the MIL is overweight and is on a lot of starvation diets but can't lose the weight."
"I find it difficult to lose weight, and I eat less than I should."
"Yes, it's frustrating to see people eat what they want and not put on weight, but that's a ME problem."
"I would never shame anyone for their body, big or thin."
"OP is NTA, MIL is clearly jealous with a side of internalized misogyny." ~ ZeldaMayCry
"Doesn't matter if she's overweight."
"That's her business alone."
"Maybe her husband, too, if she is comfortable with that."
"This isn't even a #bodybeautiful thing."
"It's just none of her business."
"Maybe if OP's weight ballooned up, and it was mentioned in a very delicate and empathetic manner, it would be ok to show some concern but shut it down immediately if OP decided to."
"OP is NTA in a means or manner."
"Trying to control what someone eats."
"That's just ridiculous."
"And the MIL is either dumb or very sneaky."
"Trying to get OP to pay for her meal because of what OP ate."
"It's an insult to your intelligence too."
"Low Contact/No Contact with these people."
"Let your husband deal with them if he wants to." ~ darcys_beard
"All of your in-laws are in a toxic family with MIL as the head queen bee."
"They collectively bully you into thinking there's something wrong with you."
"You and your husband should start learning about toxic families and how to draw boundaries with these people."
"They are emotionally abusive."
"You should head over to r/JUSTNOMIL."
"Almost everyone there has a story similar to yours."
"It could be really helpful to learn how to deal with all these people."
"I'd block them on all social media and go No Contact." ~ das_whatz_up
"So wait. They expect the bill to be split evenly and for you not to order so much."
"Meaning, they essentially expected you to pay for their food but them not pay anything towards yours."
"Yeah, no. You are so NTA, and I think IF you go out to dinner with them again, you and Nate pay your own bill separately."
"If they chuck a stink about it, send them MIL's way and remind them that this is the new rule because of MIL's prior behavior."
"Oh and in case it wasn't obvious, always eat the amount you know you need, and don't let anyone make you feel like an AH for feeding your body the fuel it needs to function." ~ Environmental_Art591
Well, OP, sounds like Reddit is with you.
You were hungry.
You had to eat.
How much you eat is none of anyone else's business.
Sounds like some deeper issues may be brewing with the in-laws.
Good luck, and hope you enjoyed the steak.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp