Asking our parents to lend us money is always a bit awkward.
If there's anything more awkward, it could be parents asking their children for money.
Thankfully, in both cases, the ones offering the money are usually more than happy to do so, as they want nothing more than to help their family.
It's when the recipient becomes a little too comfortable being given money that things start to become problematic.
Redditor Original-Good2218 was happy to help her parents by sending them money after she moved away from home and created a happy and comfortable life for herself.
However, the original poster (OP) wasn't too pleased when she discovered how her parents were using some of the money she was lending them.
Resulting in her decreasing the amount she sent them, much to her parent's fury.
Having some doubts about her decision, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for reducing my parent's 'allowance' by whatever amount they share with my siblings?"
The OP explained why she felt compelled to reduce the monthly allowance she sent her parents:
"My parents live in a less developed country than I do."
"My siblings and I all live in North America or Europe."
"When I got my new job I did my budget and saw that I could send home roughly $1,300 a month without it affecting my personal comfort."
"I would still be able to save for my future and my mom and dad could retire."
"So when I was home I set up a joint account for us."
"That way I could see is they needed more and make sure that they were not getting scammed or anything."
"After about a year and a half I started noticing that there was a $200 transfer every month."
"I asked them about it and they said [the OP's brother] was having difficulties with his budget so they were helping him out."
"My brother doesn't need help."
"He is a scholarship student."
"He actually receives a stipend from my home government to study abroad."
"What he wants is money to party."
"So I reduced the amount I give them by $200."
"Obviously they do not need it if they can afford to give it away every month."
"My mom called me when she noticed and was yelling at me for being a crappy daughter and sister."
"I asked her to tell me exactly how much money they contributed to my party fund when I was away for school."
"Just so you know the answer is $0.00."
"They also tried to talk me out of attending university in Canada."
"I'm not sure how common the idea of filial piety is in other cultures but it's a big deal in mine."
"She went off about it."
"I told her that they didn't need the money and I had better ways to spend $200 than to gift it to my brother so he could get drunk with his friends more."
"She said that I am treating them like children by restricting how they spend their money."
"I replied that I was not going to subsidize my brother through them."
"And that from now on the amount they got from me would be $1,100."
"And that if they sent him money again I would know and reduce their money by that amount going forward."
"My brother called me to b*tch me out about cutting off his money from our parents."
"I said that I hadn't."
"He was welcome to tell our parents to go back to backbreaking jobs at their age to pay for his partying in London."
"Then they would have my money to live off of and their wages to pay for his drinking."
"My boyfriend is on my side."
"As are many of my friends."
"Most of my family and people from my culture think I am being an a**hole."
"However, for the last two months, my parents have only been spending on themselves."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for lowering her parent's monthly allowance.
Everyone agreed that the OP was being extremely generous and had every right to lower their allowance if they weren't using all of it on themselves and instead enabling her brother's behavior.
"NTA."
"And since your parents probably don't tell you often enough, I'll say it for them: you are an amazingly thoughtful, loving, and caring child to your parents."
"You send them upwards of $1000 every month so that they can retire and not have to work."
"That's amazing."
"You are also reducing the amount you give them as a preventative measure to make sure they don't get taken advantage of by a spoiled son."
"If they give $200 now without consequences, it would eventually increase to $300, then $400, then $500, and so on and so forth."
"You set a boundary that will help your parents to keep their money for themselves so they can continue to remain retired and not spread themselves too thin."- WhilstWhile
"NTA."
"If you wanted to give your brother $200 a month, you could send it directly."
"You don't have to give your parents money to make an end run so that you're giving your brother that $200."
"I agree with your logic."
"If they're sending $200 a month to brother, that's money they don't actually need from you."
"The total effect is that you stopped giving brother $200 a month."- extinct_diplodocus
"NTA."
"They don't want to be treated like children but will gladly take a monthly allowance from you."
"An allowance they wouldn't have if you had listened to them and accepted their lack of support."
"I doubt your brother will send them money when he gets a job."
"So they have a choice to make."
"Keep giving him money they claim to need or use the money so they can have an easier retirement."- Glum_Hamster_1076
"NTA."
"Your parents are lucky and should be grateful to have your financial support."
"If this escalates, I would stick to your plan of cutting down more."
"I know it's hard to hear when your culture is big on family, but putting boundaries is okay and you're doing the right thing."- jaywild
"Can I point out just how entitled your parents are behaving?"
"To think that only you would need to contribute towards their lifestyle is eye-roll worthy."
"Honestly, I hope you reduce the amount you give them as soon as your brother gets a job in his field as he needs to step up and support your parents as well."
"As it was, he was sponging off of your retired parents, reducing their quality if life."
"Your brother needed a dose of reality."
"NTA."- ahopskip_andajump
"NTA."
"Good on you for doing that."
"Your parents should be grateful that you are helping them out."
"Their son is their problem, not yours."
"The actually come across as taking advantage of your generosity."- IamMaggieMoo
"Why are your siblings not contributing to your parents' retirement?"
"Surely the brother could work part-time while studying so he could help out and have some spending money?"
"Thousands of people have done it and supported themselves that way while studying (incl. me)."-DangerousLettuce1423
"I live in Surrey BC. I see this entitlement ALL the time."
"I'll never stop being amazed at how the boys, especially first born, are automatically the golden child in a family."
"And the fact they discouraged you from getting an education and bettering yourself (and by extension, your family)."
"Clear NTA."- Panger_Drifts
"What would your parents do if you didn't have an opportunity to live somewhere more developed and make more money?"
"They're lucky to get anything."
"NTA."- throwAwayLegal112202
"NTA."
"I am so glad to finally read something where someone took a stand for themselves without dragging the issue on forever."
"I also love how you handled it."- Strong-Extension-976
"NTA."
"Tell your brother to get a job for his own fun money."- Pandasrthebest
"NTA."
"Laughably easy one here, NTA 100%."- InfernoWoodworks
"NTA."
"I don't see this as you punishing your parents."
"I see it as you protecting them from being taken advantage of by your brother."
"I'm assuming since no one is on your side back home, that means you come from a culture that requires you to protect and provide for your parents in their golden years."
"The next time this issue comes up, frame it just that way."
"Just say that you are not going to let your irresponsible brother use your parents as a crutch on your watch with your money."
"If someone were taking advantage of your parents, you would be expected to step in and do something, and that's exactly what you did."- Mother_Tradition_774
Not many parents are lucky enough to have a child send them a fairly generous monthly allowance like the OP does.
Making it all the more upsetting that they didn't even acknowledge that when the OP lowered their allowance, and don't seem to have the slightest problem that their son is directly affecting their retirement.
It will be interesting to see if the OP's brother also feels compelled to give his parents an allowance when he graduates from school and finds a job.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp