Asking our parents to lend us money is always a bit awkward.
If there’s anything more awkward, it could be parents asking their children for money.
Thankfully, in both cases, the ones offering the money are usually more than happy to do so, as they want nothing more than to help their family.
It’s when the recipient becomes a little too comfortable being given money that things start to become problematic.
Redditor Original-Good2218 was happy to help her parents by sending them money after she moved away from home and created a happy and comfortable life for herself.
However, the original poster (OP) wasn’t too pleased when she discovered how her parents were using some of the money she was lending them.
Resulting in her decreasing the amount she sent them, much to her parent’s fury.
Having some doubts about her decision, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for reducing my parent’s ‘allowance’ by whatever amount they share with my siblings?”
The OP explained why she felt compelled to reduce the monthly allowance she sent her parents:
“My parents live in a less developed country than I do.”
“My siblings and I all live in North America or Europe.”
“When I got my new job I did my budget and saw that I could send home roughly $1,300 a month without it affecting my personal comfort.”
“I would still be able to save for my future and my mom and dad could retire.”
“So when I was home I set up a joint account for us.”
“That way I could see is they needed more and make sure that they were not getting scammed or anything.”
“After about a year and a half I started noticing that there was a $200 transfer every month.”
“I asked them about it and they said [the OP’s brother] was having difficulties with his budget so they were helping him out.”
“My brother doesn’t need help.”
“He is a scholarship student.”
“He actually receives a stipend from my home government to study abroad.”
“What he wants is money to party.”
“So I reduced the amount I give them by $200.”
“Obviously they do not need it if they can afford to give it away every month.”
“My mom called me when she noticed and was yelling at me for being a crappy daughter and sister.”
“I asked her to tell me exactly how much money they contributed to my party fund when I was away for school.”
“Just so you know the answer is $0.00.”
“They also tried to talk me out of attending university in Canada.”
“I’m not sure how common the idea of filial piety is in other cultures but it’s a big deal in mine.”
“She went off about it.”
“I told her that they didn’t need the money and I had better ways to spend $200 than to gift it to my brother so he could get drunk with his friends more.”
“She said that I am treating them like children by restricting how they spend their money.”
“I replied that I was not going to subsidize my brother through them.”
“And that from now on the amount they got from me would be $1,100.”
“And that if they sent him money again I would know and reduce their money by that amount going forward.”
“My brother called me to b*tch me out about cutting off his money from our parents.”
“I said that I hadn’t.”
“He was welcome to tell our parents to go back to backbreaking jobs at their age to pay for his partying in London.”
“Then they would have my money to live off of and their wages to pay for his drinking.”
“My boyfriend is on my side.”
“As are many of my friends.”
“Most of my family and people from my culture think I am being an a**hole.”
“However, for the last two months, my parents have only been spending on themselves.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for lowering her parent’s monthly allowance.
Everyone agreed that the OP was being extremely generous and had every right to lower their allowance if they weren’t using all of it on themselves and instead enabling her brother’s behavior.
“NTA.”
“And since your parents probably don’t tell you often enough, I’ll say it for them: you are an amazingly thoughtful, loving, and caring child to your parents.”
“You send them upwards of $1000 every month so that they can retire and not have to work.”
“That’s amazing.”
“You are also reducing the amount you give them as a preventative measure to make sure they don’t get taken advantage of by a spoiled son.”
“If they give $200 now without consequences, it would eventually increase to $300, then $400, then $500, and so on and so forth.”
“You set a boundary that will help your parents to keep their money for themselves so they can continue to remain retired and not spread themselves too thin.”- WhilstWhile
“NTA.”
“If you wanted to give your brother $200 a month, you could send it directly.”
“You don’t have to give your parents money to make an end run so that you’re giving your brother that $200.”
“I agree with your logic.”
“If they’re sending $200 a month to brother, that’s money they don’t actually need from you.”
“The total effect is that you stopped giving brother $200 a month.”- extinct_diplodocus
“NTA.”
“They don’t want to be treated like children but will gladly take a monthly allowance from you.”
“An allowance they wouldn’t have if you had listened to them and accepted their lack of support.”
“I doubt your brother will send them money when he gets a job.”
“So they have a choice to make.”
“Keep giving him money they claim to need or use the money so they can have an easier retirement.”- Glum_Hamster_1076
“NTA.”
“Your parents are lucky and should be grateful to have your financial support.”
“If this escalates, I would stick to your plan of cutting down more.”
“I know it’s hard to hear when your culture is big on family, but putting boundaries is okay and you’re doing the right thing.”-Â jaywild
“Can I point out just how entitled your parents are behaving?”
“To think that only you would need to contribute towards their lifestyle is eye-roll worthy.”
“Honestly, I hope you reduce the amount you give them as soon as your brother gets a job in his field as he needs to step up and support your parents as well.”
“As it was, he was sponging off of your retired parents, reducing their quality if life.”
“Your brother needed a dose of reality.”
“NTA.”- ahopskip_andajump
“NTA.”
“Good on you for doing that.”
“Your parents should be grateful that you are helping them out.”
“Their son is their problem, not yours.”
“The actually come across as taking advantage of your generosity.”- IamMaggieMoo
“Why are your siblings not contributing to your parents’ retirement?”
“Surely the brother could work part-time while studying so he could help out and have some spending money?”
“Thousands of people have done it and supported themselves that way while studying (incl. me).”-DangerousLettuce1423
“I live in Surrey BC. I see this entitlement ALL the time.”
“I’ll never stop being amazed at how the boys, especially first born, are automatically the golden child in a family.”
“And the fact they discouraged you from getting an education and bettering yourself (and by extension, your family).”
“Clear NTA.”- Panger_Drifts
“What would your parents do if you didn’t have an opportunity to live somewhere more developed and make more money?”
“They’re lucky to get anything.”
“NTA.”- throwAwayLegal112202
“NTA.”
“I am so glad to finally read something where someone took a stand for themselves without dragging the issue on forever.”
“I also love how you handled it.”- Strong-Extension-976
“NTA.”
“Tell your brother to get a job for his own fun money.”- Pandasrthebest
“NTA.”
“Laughably easy one here, NTA 100%.”- InfernoWoodworks
“NTA.”
“I don’t see this as you punishing your parents.”
“I see it as you protecting them from being taken advantage of by your brother.”
“I’m assuming since no one is on your side back home, that means you come from a culture that requires you to protect and provide for your parents in their golden years.”
“The next time this issue comes up, frame it just that way.”
“Just say that you are not going to let your irresponsible brother use your parents as a crutch on your watch with your money.”
“If someone were taking advantage of your parents, you would be expected to step in and do something, and that’s exactly what you did.”- Mother_Tradition_774
Not many parents are lucky enough to have a child send them a fairly generous monthly allowance like the OP does.
Making it all the more upsetting that they didn’t even acknowledge that when the OP lowered their allowance, and don’t seem to have the slightest problem that their son is directly affecting their retirement.
It will be interesting to see if the OP’s brother also feels compelled to give his parents an allowance when he graduates from school and finds a job.