Content Warning: Miscarriage, Child Loss, Grief
Surely there is little that could be more devastating to a parent-to-be than the loss of their future child.
So much so, that it’s difficult for some people to face other people experiencing childbirth and the miracle of life while they can’t, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor LeastImplement4010 was at a loss for how to help her friend, who recently had a miscarriage, and demanded that she hide all of her own pregnancy news on social media.
But with the birth of her child fast approaching, the Original Poster (OP) was reluctant to hide her celebratory time from her friends and family online.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to take down my ultrasound picture on Facebook?”
The OP understood that her friend was grieving a miscarriage.
“I (27 Female) am 8 months pregnant. One of my closest friends, ‘Skylar’ (27 Female), was also pregnant but had a miscarriage just a few weeks ago. She was about 3 or 4 months along when it happened and I was one of the first people she told.”
“When she told me, she was honest that she was jealous and that she did not want to hear anything related to my pregnancy while she goes through this.”
“I, of course, agreed because I didn’t want to further upset her, and I know this is super difficult for her.”
The OP considered whether or not to post on social media.
“I just got my late ultrasound done recently, and my husband and I really wanted to put them on Facebook.”
“I thought about Skylar but decided to post it today with a text saying how excited I am to meet my son in a month.”
“I figured it would probably be okay, because I was not saying or sending anything to her personally, and if it appeared on her timeline, she could just hide it.”
Skylar was not comfortable with seeing the post.
“Not even an hour passed, and she sent me a screenshot of my post, asking, ‘What the f**k is this?'”
“I apologized.”
“She sent me a paragraph about how she was very hurt that she found this on her timeline.”
“She said that I have to delete it and should not be posting anything about my baby for a while until she is doing better.”
The OP attempted to reply politely.
“As politely as I possibly could, I refused by sending her the following message:”
“‘Skylar, I understand that you are going through a very rough time, but it is my and my husband’s decision whether we have anything relating to our son on our social media.”
“I can easily not talk to you or send you anything personal about it, but it’s unreasonable to expect me to wait around for you to move on before I post things about my son, which I remind you, will be here very soon.'”
“‘Do you actually think it’s okay to tell me I can’t post about my son when he is born? There are alternatives, you can choose to hide the posts or take a break from my profile so you don’t have to see my posts until you are ready.”
“But like it or not my husband and I plan on celebrating this time in our lives, with others on our social media and we can’t just put all of that on hold for you. I’m sorry.'”
Skylar did not take this response well.
“Skylar did not take that very well, called me a b***h, and blocked me.”
“Her husband also texted me saying that now he has this to deal with on top of everything about the miscarriage and called me an AH.”
“They both have been acting very out of character lately, which I understand because I know they are going through a difficult period but I really did not think things would escalate like this.”
“My husband said that this is for them to deal with and it’s not fair that we can’t post about our son because of them, but I’m now having doubts about how I dealt with the whole thing.”
“Should I have respected her more and taken it down? I don’t know…”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some gently pointed out that it wasn’t the OP’s responsibility to protect her friend.
“NTA. The only thing stopping me from calling your friend and AH is that I know she is grieving, and therefore just lashing out. Don’t take it personally, if possible, but it’s not your job to shield her from pain and triggers.”
“If you want, you can update your privacy to remove her from seeing your posts, but I don’t think that’s your job. She needs to evaluate her own triggers and either stay away from Facebook altogether, or she can hide or snooze your posts.”
“If you texted her the pictures after she said she didn’t want to hear about your pregnancy? Then okay, I could see it. But sharing via social media? You have every right to do that.”
“She can’t expect everyone else to stop living, even though I’m sure it feels that way for her right now.” – jaded411
“NTA. Every single day in this world is the happiest for one person and the saddest for the other. It is just the way it is.”
“You said it well, it is your son, and no one should expect not to celebrate your son.”
“I had a miscarriage, too, and I still feel the pain sometimes, but I would never ask anyone not to celebrate and not to be happy just because I am sad.” – leprsavatrsava
“NTA. I am sorry for your friend and what they are going through, but you were spot-on with everything else, so really, you’ve given yourself your own answer.”
“Their expectations are unreasonable and you should be able to be happy about the soon-to-be arrival of your own child.”
“Congratulations by the way and all the best to you, your husband, and your soon-to-be new family!” – AdSweet5748
“NTA. It’s time to block Skylar on your socials if she can’t handle it. I get that she is upset because she lost her baby, but it’s no reason for her (and her husband) to treat you like dirt.”
“You handled it quite well. Hope all goes well for you as you head down the final stretch of your pregnancy.” – BabyCrumbBuffet
“NTA.”
“If you, for whatever valid reason, can’t handle seeing the good fortune and joy of others on social media, you control your own viewing of it. You don’t insist everyone posts to your personal requirements.”
“It sucks and I understand why it would be hard for her to see. But through all the s**tty parts of life, good things are still happening to others. If you can’t handle that, it’s okay. But you have to protect yourself.” – madelinegumbo
Others were more critical of Skylar and said she needed to protect herself from triggers.
“NTA. She knew you were pregnant and could have snoozed/unfollowed/whatever the option is called for other sites.” – Melificent40
“NTA. When I miscarried, I just stopped going on Facebook for a bit till I felt better.”
“I do believe, though, that grief comes out sideways, and people do and say things they don’t mean.”
“Just tell her you’re sorry for her loss and that you’ll be there if she needs you.” – Geriatricwitch
“NTA to the f**king moon and back. She literally could have just unfriended or blocked your posts in the first place. How f**king entitled to act like you gotta ask permission before posting anything???”
“I don’t think so. You handled that phone call amazingly and you don’t have to feel guilty or sorry because you’ve done nothing wrong.” – AerodynamicBread
“It’s sad and upsetting but the world does not stop for anyone, even when we desperately need it to.”
“I was hospitalized with my last miscarriage. We were so excited to be pregnant and to have it end that way was so heartbreaking.”
“I took myself off of social media for a bit to save my mental health. When I was ready to go back, I knew that I would see posts about friends having kids because that’s what my friends are doing these days.” – RU_screw
“NTA, as someone who went through a horrible miscarriage, the whole world can’t tiptoe around you as much as you’d like it to. She should take a break from social media, it’ll help.”
“You didn’t message her personally, you weren’t personally reaching out to her to brag. The best you could have done was block her from the post, but again, you told her you wouldn’t mind if she silenced you for a while so she wouldn’t see it.”
“I’m not saying she needs to be happy for you, but there’s no reason you shouldn’t be celebrating for yourself.”
“When I lost mine, I was jealous of everyone, before I realized how many of them had lost babies before, too, and they deserved to be happy since they had gone through the same pain.”
“It’s sadly such a normal thing, and there will always be someone secretly, or not so secretly, hurting.” – Vegetable_Arrival_
While the subReddit could completely understand why Skylar was upset about seeing her friend’s post about her baby, they also knew that the OP couldn’t stop enjoying her life while her friend was grieving.
The best thing to do is to be gentle with her friend’s feelings, and if that wasn’t enough, Skylar could put herself on an information diet for a while.