Money is an issue in every relationship.
Even if someone has more than they can ever spend, money in relationships will still stir drama.
Nobody wants to be taken advantage of.
But everybody wants to be fair.
Case in point…
Redditor Ok_Database3372 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not wanting to split 50/50?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (F[emale] 26) have been seeing my boyfriend (M[ale] 28) for a few years now.”
“He owns the apartment he lives in while I’m finishing Uni this semester and will start making a decent salary from January.”
“He has wanted me to move in for a while now, which I would be excited to do, but we have some differences in opinions that we have a hard time settling on.”
“He wants to split costs (his monthly mortgage down payments plus bills and groceries etc) 50/50 as we will be making around the same amount.”
“I don’t agree with this as it is his apartment.”
“And by default I will be paying down his mortgage and will be left with nothing if we break up, while he will have his house and interest from its rise in value.”
“I proposed that I can pay 50/50 of all expenses as well as half of the interest rate, but not contribute to the mortgage payment of his loan.”
“This way I can put the rest of money into savings so when my savings are big enough we can go in on an apartment together that will be in interest for the both of us (or I can buy a share into his existing apartment).”
“He thinks it’s unreasonable that we wouldn’t pay the same monthly expenses when we both make the same and that I am focusing too much on what is mine and what is his.”
“He has made small digs, hinting that I am trying to leech off of his investments by getting a cheaper place to live – which I don’t think is the case.”
“I find that splitting everything 50/50 disproportionately advantages him and basically results in me paying down a loan that I have no interest in.
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“I am curious if market rate as if they were roommates would allow her the same renter control she would have with a regular landlord.”
“Would she get full control of a room? No?”
“Then paying as if you are renting a room by yourself doesn’t make sense.”
“Is he going to demand more control of shared spaces because it’s ‘his?'”
“Would she have any renter protections?”
“If she wants a duckie themed bathroom can she decorate that way, or is he going to override her because it’s ‘shared’ but he owns it?”
“I just don’t understand paying market rate for less autonomy/control of a space.”
“In my opinion I think I would rather rent from a stranger with full renter protections, than rent from a partner who might throw his weight around because he owns the place, you know?”
“OP get your own place. It’s not worth it.” ~ ISwearIUsedToBeSmart
“It could be an American thing.”
“The laws on this vary significantly.”
“In some countries as soon as a couple are living together for more than a year, everything acquired by either party belongs to both by default.”
“So if they were in a place then after a year, it wouldn’t matter what either of them paid.”
“The increase in the investment value of the house during that time (from both posting off equity and market rate) belongs to both parties equally by law.”
“The OP’s suggestion of paying ‘rent’ but not equity is a fair one.”
“After all the mortgage amount is actually a bit arbitrary as the payer can choose to pay more and therefore more equity.”
“It sounds like the OP has a good (cheaper?) living situation.”
“So if she moves in and pays half, his costs drop significantly and hers stay the same.”
“The fair thing is for both OP and her BF to benefit the same amount from moving in together (financially, emotionally, physically etc).” ~ coffeecoffi
“NTA. There is middle ground to be had here but you shouldn’t be paying half when he gets 100% of the equity.” ~ AshesB77
“NTA. She wants to stay where she currently lives where it’s considerably cheaper, and to save for a future apartment together.”
“He is pushing to move in together without any guarantees.”
“Only he benefits; she’s perfectly happy staying put and saving money.” ~ Remarkable_Annual302
“Don’t move in with him then. Keep paying rent to your landlord. Problem solved.” ~ Jane_Says_So
OP came back with more info…
“EDIT: First of all thank you so much for all the response!”
“It’s really interesting to see how people see things so differently.”
“Here are a few clarifications on some things that are brought up in the comments.”
“I will not be having ‘free rent.’
“The interest rate is quite significant as well as fees related to the apartment complex plus insurances etc.”
“It is only the actual mortgage portion (aka the equity part) that is a matter of dispute.”
“His expenses will be significantly lower if I move in than him living by himself as he is currently.”
“I am not currently homeless.”
“I am living in a flat with three friends where I don’t mind to continue living.”
“For everyone saying I would be paying down a landlord’s mortgage regardless, that is true, but our relationship is not a landlord-tenant relationship where the goal is for the landlord to profit off of its tenants.”
“And this might be me that is being absolutely too stubborn.”
“But yes, I would rather want to pay the mortgage of a landlord than have my boyfriend actively profiting off of me.”
“Because that would be a formal agreement with more stability.”
“And it would be within its nature to be profitable for one party.”
“It doesn’t sit right with me that our living situation would be an agreement that my boyfriend would profit off of.”
“Another clarification:”
“Half of the expenses are still more than what I am paying in my current living situation.”
“Additional clarification:”
“He is not willing to enter an agreement where my rent goes into equity so I can gradually buy my way into the house.”
“There still seems to be a lot of confusion about the «free rent » part, and I don’t think people realize how much of your monthly expenses are tied to interests and other costs such as insurance and fees connected to the complex.”
“What I’m proposing is about 40/60.”
“It is only the principal payment of the loan which is of dispute – which is the direct payment of his loan that is increasing his equity.”
“Small edit: removed the part about what it would cost to live alone as it seemed to be confusing people.”
“Living with my current roommates in our flat for a lower rent is the alternative option.”
“Sorry about any confusion.”
Reddit continued…
“NTA. I think it’s so weird that people argue ‘if you pay a landlord mortgage you can pay your partners mortgage’ no, one provides you more security via contract/lease and that is not from the partner.” ~ Random_474
“NTA. Your approach to splitting payments is smart and fair.”
“Definitely don’t back down. “
“If he wants you to pay half of everything, he better put your name on that apartment.” ~ GroundbreakingTwo201
“NTA. I actually consulted a lawyer about this and he said don’t do it.”
“Not unless your name is in the mortgage.”
“If nothing is in your name it’s almost like you don’t exist.”
“I ended up not moving in with the person.” ~ INFJPersonality-52
“NTA. He wants you to help build his equity when you have no interest in the property. No way.” ~ SharkClub12
“NTA. Everything you said was correct.”
“Paying on his mortgage while dating won’t do anything for you if you break up down the road while he would have a lower loan amount.”
“Your compromise was more than reasonable to me.”
“Splitting all the expenses is fair.”
“But you also offered to help pay his interest down on the mortgage which will technically still help him out.” ~ InvestigatorBig1584
OP had an update…
“We have concluded that we will not live together as of now, and I will continue to stay in my flat until I have saved up enough to where we can look into buying a place together.”
“We have also set up a session with our bank to get some further advice.”
“As questions of finances often are, it is much more about on agreeing on how finances should be dealt with in the long run than the actual dollar amount.”
“I do believe it is important to have these conversations early on and stand your ground where you think it is right to avoid further disputes in the future.”
“My goal is to save up money to buy a shared apartment as soon as possible.”
“So it is ultimately better to stay put and have a lower rent with my friends.”
“Things would obviously be less complicated if we were renting and collectively saving up for a down payment for our first home together, but that is not the situation we´re in.”
“Buying a property is an important financial priority of mine and he is not in on parts of the rent going into equity, so we will leave it for now.”
“Thank you for all the input and proposals for different solutions!”
“Again, very interesting to see how everyone´s take is so different on this, and a lot to take in for the future.”
“There is room for more flexibility, although 50/50 without any equity or any other supplementary agreement is not going to work for me.”
“And is something I would advise anyone to be cautious of going into any long-term living agreement with a partner.”
“Wish you all the best!”
Well OP… sounds like you have it all under control.
Cheers to a bright future for you both.