Meeting your partner’s parents for the first time is usually a bit stressful. Meeting them for the first time and having them spend the night that some day, even more so.
For one Redditor by the screen name of hgbjetri things went a step further when her boyfriend decided his parents would sleep in their bed. She turned to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subreddit for judgement on the situation.
She asked:
“AITA for not wanting to share my bed with my BF’s mom?”
The Original Poster (OP) laid out the details:
“My (24F) boyfriend (28M) and I have been dating for a little over a year now. We moved into an apartment together a few months ago and things have been great.”
“My boyfriend has been talking about me meeting his mom for a while now, and while I’m not enthusiastic about it, I agreed to meet her when she comes down to visit (she lives up north and we are in the south).”
“I am not enthusiastic because he has told me a lot of things about her like how she’s a narcissist and abused/manipulated him growing up and that she doesn’t get along with his girlfriends. But he said it was important to him so I agreed.”
“Originally her and her husband were supposed to get a hotel down here but now they want to stay the night with us. I’m not comfortable with the idea, as I am a very private person and hosting two strangers (to me) in my house overnight makes me uneasy.”
“Especially after the things he has told me about her. But I gave in to make my boyfriend happy. But today I learned my boyfriend has told his mother that she and her husband can sleep in our bed while they are here and we are supposed to sleep out in the living room.”
“Without even consulting me about it. I am 100% not okay with this and when I told my boyfriend he essentially blew up and started yelling at me and told me ‘that’s just what family does’.”
“I insisted that I’ve already compromised a lot and I don’t want to have two people I don’t know taking over my bedroom and sleeping in my bed, which to me is my most private space. He has now made me out to be the villain, and said I’m ‘making him be rude to his family’ by not wanting to let them have our bed when they come down.”
“I have offered to have them sleep on a nice air mattress, or we have a large couch and even a cot. I even offered to help them find an affordable air bnb but my boyfriend says I’m missing the point and that he can’t believe I’m being so stubborn about this.”
“I’m wondering if I’m the asshole because it’s been a long time since my BF has seen his mother and I want them to be able to spend time together and be comfortable while they are here. And my bf insists that this is the norm when having guests over. AITA?“
The OP asked Redditors to weigh in and rule:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors deemed OP was NTA.
“NTA. You’re boyfriend manipulated you into feeling guilty here. If he is so wary of his moms behaviour he should be interested in protecting you from it (not in a chivalrous way, but, you know, not put you in a bad position from the getgo).”
“I understand he’s maybe nervous himself but you’re a couple, he’s committed to you, therefore he should care about you too here. His mindset seems disturbing.
“He doesn’t sound compassionate. He described his mother as manipulative and narcissistic. He’s showing the same tendencies with no remorse yet. You shouldn’t let that slide.”~ CasualDomme
“NTA love my mom to death but she’s not sleeping in my bed, also you’re bf sounds no better than his mother. He’s completely ignored your feelings and comfortability and for what a mother who was apparently horrible to him and abusive. Sounds to me like he’s the one with manipulative tendencies.”~By-AnyOther_Name
“In my family it’s a pretty normal thing to give up the bedroom for family guests that are older than myself if there is no space that isn’t private for the guest. But I know this isn’t the same for everyone and totally get why you are uncomfortable with someone in your inner space.”
“Sounds like you both need to actually talk to each other and find a compromise. There will be many times in a relationship where you won’t agree. It takes practice and you won’t always get what you want and vice versa.”
“Only you can decide if it’s worth your time to make him understand where you are coming from any why you are unhappy with the way he’s handled things. If it’s a hard no and it’s the same for him and there is no compromise it’s time to move on. NTA”~ikidYYOUnott
“NTA. there are a bunch of red flags. 1. The moms a narcissist who abused your bf growing up, yet he wants her to stay with you guys. 2. The mom has never liked any of his gfs and the first time she’s meeting you, she’ll be staying with you.”
“3. The bf gave away your room (a shared space) without consulting you (the person he shares it with). Your bf sounds inconsiderate as hell and the fact he blew up when you voiced your concerns is telling. You might want to reevaluate this relationship before mommy dearest comes to visit.”~MeringuepieMoth
“NTA. Your BF has not recovered from his narcissistic mom’s abusive treatment of him as a child. He can’t say no to her. They were supposed to sleep at a hotel, but she wants to stay with you.”
“He says yes. She wanted the bed, not the couch, so he says yes. He is making you the villain and the bad one when it’s really his mom and he can’t see it.”
“This is not what family does if one partner doesn’t like it. This is very concerning. If you stay with him, it will always be his mom in charge and he’s told you she doesn’t get along with his GFs.”
“She isn’t going to get along with you. If this is how you want to spend the rest of your life, good luck. However, I think you need a BF who supports you and is reasonable.”~No_Proposal7628
Hopefully, this couple and the boyfriend’s parents were able to work out an appropriate compromise. Setting solid boundaries is an important part of navigating family life.