We'd all like to think that our family will always be there for us when we need them.
Sadly, that simply isn't the case for everyone.
As some people have such a bad relationship with their family, that even when they find themselves at their lowest, they still can't find it in them to reach out to them for help.
Or worse, their family refuses to hear them when they do.
Upon the death of her father, Redditor its-for-the-better decided that she no longer wanted either her stepmother or half-sister to be a part of her life, cutting them out completely.
Much to her surprise, however, the original poster (OP) found herself contacted by her half-sister, revealing she was going through a hard time and asking for her help.
Even so, the OP remained firm in her decision, even when others contacted her encouraging her to at least hear what her half-sister had to say.
Wondering if she was making the right decision, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not caring and refusing to help depressed half-sister after our father's death?"
The OP explained why she did not want her half-sister in her life in any way, even when she reached out hoping for a stronger relationship.
"I (60s) have two sisters (60s) and we were born from our father's first marriage."
"Unfortunately our mother passed away when we were young, so our father was left all alone to take care of us and I admit it must have been difficult to do so, I mean, we were teenagers at that time."
"Our father was an immigrant from Italy and saw the horrors of war firsthand but was always a good father and also a decent man."
"He married his second wife, the stepmother, and they stayed together until his death."
"Bear in mind the stepmother was the same age as us and so the relationship between was always strained."
"Stepmother got pregnant and at that time concerns were raised because of their advanced age."
"Unfortunately our father passed away fifteen years ago, my sisters and I were in our fifties, half-sister was only 12."
"She's now 27."
"I should mention that half-sister was absolutely the apple of our father's eye."
"When he passed, I made it very clear that I didn't want anything to do with the stepmother and half-sister anymore, that all the ties were gone and so we were no contact for a couple years even though we lived in the same street."
"Stepmother took my half-sister out of school after his death, purposely ruining her daughter's life."
"I know that my half-sister did not have the normal experience of growing up, she also lost her friends, she missed out on the experiences and I always knew it would come to this because stepmother is a terrible person."
"I recognize that I did have the privilege of keeping a normal life after a parent's death and while it is a shame that half-sister hasn't had the same chance, I choose not to intervene."
"Fast forward a couple years, found out my half-sister got severe depression, hasn't finished her studies and is pratically a doormat."
"Our father left each daughter a share in his estate, but half-sister was very irresponsible with hers."
"She tried to reach out to my sisters and I, saying her psychiatrist told her she 'needed a support group', and said she's alone and can't count on anyone else."
"She's going through a difficult time and wants to cut ties with her mother/our stepmother."
"She says she desperately needs someone."
"We tried to explained to her that a lot of time has passed, there's no bridge between us and our father's already dead."
"As in, there's no bond anymore."
"I got a call a couple days ago from the psychiatrist (apparently she gave my number to him in case of a emergency), who's very worried about her."
"To put it bluntly, I told him to forget my number, to never contact me again and made it clear that I don't want anything to do with the stepmother and half-sister."
"I also told him I will never forgive my half-sister for what she did to our father, destroying his legacy."
"By 'destroying his legacy', I meant that she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth and ruined it."
"Hasn't finished her studies."
"I said it, she's a doormat."
"Girl is going nowhere."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believe the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP was greeted almost unanimously by horror and disgust by the Reddit community, who all unanimously agreed that she was most definitely the a**hole for the way she treated her half-sister.
Everyone found the OP's behavior utterly appalling, seeing no justifiable reason as to why she felt the need to cut her half-sister from her life, when she clearly needed a family member who could show her love and compassion. Many thought that if anyone was "failing [the OP's father]'s legacy", it was her for her cruel treatment of her half-sister.
"YTA."
"WTF do you mean by 'destroyed his legacy?'"
"It sounds like her life was f*cked as a child, and you just sh*t on her."- Ok_Conversation9750
"OP, how can you be so heartless?"
"What did your half-sister ever do to deserve such resentment from you and your sisters?"
"She was a child when your father died, and you were all, 'Yup, dad is gone so SEE YA!' to your half-sister."
"WHY?! WHAT DID SHE DO?!"
"You're right. There is no bridge between you two BECAUSE YOU TORCHED IT FOR NO REASON!"
"She's desperately trying to reach out to you because of the years and years of abuse from your stepmother that YOU ABANDONED HER WITH!"
"OP, you are heartless."
"You are absolutely without a doubt an a**hole."
"YTA."- TheBigBluePit
"YTA."
"What 'legacy'?"
"This girl has suffered pretty much her whole life and didn't ask to be born."
"Yet.. you blame her for being born anyway."
"You're probably right, though, to not be supportive of her because you're not what she needs."
"Not at all."
"Strangers on the street would probably be kinder."- princessofIreland
"YTA."
"Your father would be disappointed in you and your cruel mindset."- volpiousraccoon
"Wow, YTA big time."
"Your half-sister was just a child when your father passed, and you turned your back on her because of your issues with your stepmother."
"She clearly had a troubled upbringing after his death, and now that she's reaching out for support, you're still refusing to help?"
"Your resentment is misplaced."
"She was 12 when he passed; she wasn't responsible for whatever happened with your stepmother or the legacy you're so hung up on."
"Your father's real legacy would've been love and unity, but you've chosen bitterness and anger instead."
"It doesn't matter how much time has passed; family is family."
"Shame on you."- Flowersons
"YTA."
"You sound so cold."
"You're bitter your dad remarried and had another child."
"You took out it on that child. It's not her fault she was born."
"If your stepmother was awful, by all means cut ties with her but the kid was innocent."
"The very least you could have done was made a phone call to social services if she was being neglected/abused."
"Also, what legacy?"
"Your whole post is about your wicked stepmother and hating your half-sister by extension."
'Then you drop the 'she ruined our dad's legacy' line in at the end."
"Your father would be disappointed in her?"
"For suffering from depression after years of abuse?"
"Yikes."
"Sounds like he'd be more disappointed in you with your cold heart."- No-Manufacturer-6003
"YTA."
"She wants a non-abusive family member to talk to."
"Talk to this child. She has been abused since she was 12, ffs."
"I understand your resentment with your dad marrying someone your age, but this child is probably going to die without support, and she is down to someone who she knows resents her for emotional help."- guardlamamama
"YTA."
"The 12-year-old who was home-schooled and abused, at least emotionally, by her mother destroyed your father's legacy."
"You have as much influence on your father's legacy as she did, and you left her, the daughter of your father, to be mistreated."
"She's as much part of your legacy as you and his money are, and he failed her too leaving her in a position to be exploited by her father mother."
"And you are blaming a literal child for this?"
"Why?"
"Because it absolves you of all responsibility and guilt for hating a child for replacing you in your Dad's affections."
"You have no duty to her, no responsibility but my, you are enjoying watching your replacement implode."
"And that makes you an AH to my mind."
"And dressing it up with high sentiments doesn't make it look any better."
"You could have helped your father's 'legacy' (child and money alike), but you choose not to intervene."
"I hope you hold yourself to the same standards as you did the child."
"Why are you allowed forgiveness and not her?"- Timely_Egg_6827
It couldn't have been easy for the OP to see her father marry someone virtually her own age, with whom she clearly did not have the best relationship.
Even so, the OP's decision to hear her half-sister suffers from severe depression after seemingly being given the cold shoulder by her own mother was to cut her out completely and not offer any sort of help is shocking, to say the least.
The one thing people suffering from depression need to know more than anything is that they are loved and have a network of people they can reach out to.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp