Substantial, life-changing moments are rare.
Birth, Death, Marriage.
Finishing a mortgage.
It’s natural we want to share the moment with the people who have shared our journey with us.
Of course, the problem is what can be an upgrade to one person, can be seen as a cataclysmic mistake to another.
What do we do when a person we care for refuses to be part of the special moment?
This was the problem facing Redditor and Original Poster Far-Lie-8600 when they came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for clarity.
The asked:
“AITA for refusing to go to my best friends wedding?”
First, they introduced us to the cast.
“My and my best friend (lets call her Amy) have been inseparable since we were young children.”
“When we were 14 she started dating this boy (lets call him James).”
“So Amy and James were great together for a long time but I don’t like him.”
Then they explained what the problem was.
“First of all he was very racist towards me.”
“I remember when we were alone together when I was 16 he called me the ‘n-word’ and how I was lucky I was allowed to be near Amy.”
“His family was just as bad. I remember going to their house and them calling me ‘the maid’ instead of my name and Amy telling me horrible things they said about Asian people.”
“After all this, he was just behaving really strangely.”
“He would make Amy text him 24/7 always updating him on what she was doing.”
“If he couldn’t contact her he would ring me and text me.”
“There were times I had to cover for her just so she could have time alone.”
“He then started policing what she wore and what she ate.”
“He would call her fat and make her eat a ‘healthy’ diet of one apple a day until she was his desired weight.”
“There was just a lot of really horrible things he did that I can’t talk about as well.”
Then there was the news of nuptials.
“So I get a call saying they are getting married and Amy wants me to be her head bridesmaid.”
“Now I would do anything for Amy but after years of me telling her James is not the one and trying to get her to see the truth I couldn’t bring myself to say I would be her bridesmaid.”
Then,
“I told her I couldn’t support this marriage and I wouldn’t go.”
“I said she needs to open her eyes before she ruins her life.”
“This sent her to tears and she was sobbing and shouting asking me why I was being like this.”
“The problem is after 10 years of them being together and me witnessing this abuse my compassion is gone.”
“I ended up getting really angry back and telling her I can’t be her friend anymore while she is with James and to message me if they ever break up.”
OP wasn’t sure that she was in the right.
“Idk what to do because I feel like an a**hole.”
“I feel like I was too mean and shouldn’t have said what I did as it is her life.”
Having laid out the issue, OP turned to Reddit for outside opinions.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some got right to the point.
“NTA”
“It’s tough love but good on you for taking a stand.”
“Amy’s in too deep to listen to you but she will remember your words when she needs your help the most.”~AggravatingPatient18
And,
“NTA.”
“Its the end of 2021. We do not and will not cater to racist AH’s and their enablers anymore.”
“10 years is quite enough of that.”~Expensive_Fee696
Others were understanding of OP’s point.
“I’ve seen people get really stupid when it comes to their romantic partners.”
“I’ve also known friends of people like this that told me about the day it was just too much and ended the friendship.”
“Only way I can describe it is a kind of caretaker burn out.”
“They’ve been putting up with the complaints and horribleness of their friend’s partner for so long to ‘take care and protect’ the friend.”
“But in the end, they realize they might be enabling them by always being that lifeline they can use to get back with their toxic partner, or you just can’t help those that don’t want to help themselves, and your only doing harm to yourself when nothing will change.“~letstrythisagain30
Some defended Amy.
“I would like to point out that ‘only a racist would do that’ in regards to staying with one, is faulty logic and we should take that with a grain of salt.”
“Other people do as well, like people who are domestic violence victims, which seems like a clear case here.”
“I’m not saying that people shouldn’t have accountability for their actions and who they associate with, but victim-blaming people who are not in positions to refuse things, Who are so completely mentally controlled by their abusers, isn’t the way to go.”
“Ops friend has spent her childhood years, in addition to the next 10 years of her formative young adult life, being completely controlled by an abusive person.”
“All of the behavior that was mentioned here are hallmark signs of abuse.“~ppl_n_r_neighborhood
There was a push toward compromise.
“It’s worth pointing out that ‘being friends with Amy’ and ‘not supporting her bad decision to marry James’ can be done at the same time.”
“I had similar trouble a while back and at a certain point, it seemed like I had to call off the friendship and tell my friend that was happening.”
“Like an ultimatum of sorts.”
“After a beat, I just decided to go with something close to ‘You’re still my friend but I don’t support this. I’ll be here if you change your mind’.”
“It leaves the door open so if they do change their mind, there’s no friction in addition to the already difficult decision they had to make.“~Slow-Fishing837
She did return with some answers.
“I will answer a few questions.”
“Amy’s family knows but she is not close with her sister and her mother doesn’t really care.”
“Its hard to explain but her mum is super distant with Amy and always treated her as more of a roommate than daughter.”
“I have been telling her since we were both 15 that James is bad news for Amy.”
“Even my own mother tried to have a conversation with her.”
“Amy does not like being abused.”
“James is her first and only boyfriend.”
“He made her reliant on him very quickly because she was a chubby 14yo with only me as a friend.”
“Her self-esteem was really low and she was suicidal so when she met James he was like her savior in a way.”
“James’ family is a f*cking mess.”
“On top of being racist his dad is physically abusive and we have all seen it.”
“So Amy uses that as a way to say James isn’t that bad.”
“The racism is just crazy.”
“James himself toned it down after we became adults but his family for 10 years either didn’t say my name or acted like I didn’t exist when I was around them.”
“And they did a lot of weirder sh*t like swerving their car when driving towards POC in the sidewalk.”
“They locked me outside in the rain.”
“When everyone had dinner they wouldn’t allow me to sit at the table with them.”
“I don’t know if I can say this but I don’t think Amy is racist herself.”
The big moments are important.
The big moments can bring families closer together but can also fracture relationships.
Remember that a person can’t be saved from their own faulty decision, but you can be there to cushion the fall.