Weddings don’t always bring out the best in people.
So what happens when an already strained relationship comes under the pressures of a wedding?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) QueasyFoundation when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for not going to my sisters wedding”
First, some happy news.
“My sister (35f) is getting married this fall.”
“When she got engaged she asked me (30f) to be a bridesmaid approximately a year ago.”
“Recently she gave out her bridesmaid proposal boxes and I did not receive one.”
Then, betrayal.
“I was cut out of the wedding party.”
“I never said anything because personally I feel like it would come across selfish and if she selected people to be apart of her day then so be it.”
“I was hurt though.”
OP laid out some past problems.
“A little backstory, my sister and I have history.”
“She has done some very wicked things to me.”
“As example she had a baby when I was 15 YO and told me if I babysat for her everyday after school she would gift me her old car on my 16th bday.”
“Fast forward after babysitting for 6+ hours every day for a year, she sold that car and kept the money and told me to get over it.”
“My sister has excluded me from all wedding activities such as dress shopping etc but yet my SIL/Mom/Grandma etc have all been invited.”
“Now back to the wedding- I recently got the invitation and scanned the QR code to go to her wedding site.”
“Where I discovered that I was excluded from a plus one as well and cannot bring my boyfriend of 2 years.”
“If I were to go to this wedding that I was already de-bridesmaided, I would also have to attend alone.”
OP had enough.
“I decided I honestly did not want to go and told my mother.”
“She’s calling me the a hole telling me that I’m going to regret this and it’s ridiculous to not attend over some bad history and ‘your boyfriend not being allowed to come'”.
“For reference it wasn’t about the plus one, it was just my final straw.”
She was left to wonder,
“AITA or am I justified in my decision?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Family Values.
“NTA but it beats me why you still had a relationship with her and especially to the point of accepting to be a bridesmaid.” ~ UpperClick480
“It can definitely be something we acknowledge/accept with time.”
“I think what is very important to consider is that you are right to value family but they also need to value you.” ~ UpperClick480
“If you value family, you need to recognize that family isn’t just blood relatives… But who treats you with love and acceptance and wants the best for you.”
“Your sister abused that and has shown she hasn’t grown up to be any better than at 20.” ~ OLAZ3000
“I’d start thinking about CHOSEN family, OP.”
“While I love my family of origin, there’s a reason I moved a flight away.”
“I needed to extricate myself from the day-to-day painful things they never saw as disrespectful or hurtful to me.”
“So now we catch up a few times a year, enjoy it, and it lets me have space and peace to take what I want and need and leave the rest from these relationships.”
“You can still value family! It just doesn’t have to look like a traditional family. ❤️” ~ birdsofpaper
Invitations are not demands.
“NTA”
“An invite is just that. An invitation. You are not obligated to go.”
“And the wedding is to celebrate people you care about and are close to. Your sister and you are not close, and there is a history there.”
“Also, your sister’s rude behaivor is not something you just put up with.”
“She asked you to be a bridesmaid, then never even said anything when she changed her mind?”
“And then to exclude you from having a plus 1?”
“She clearly does not value you that much, so why does she even want you there? To make you come to watch her be happy while you sit alone?”
“And as for your mom, ask her what attending the wedding get you?”
“What do you get out of giving up your time and energy for this wedding?”
“Seeing someone who treats you poorly have a good time while you sit there alone among other couples?”
“You were excluded from all the other family activities, ones your mom went to.”
“Did she not notice your absence? So it is not just some “history,” but current treatment by your sister as well.
“Your mom is most likely worried about what others will say if the bride’s sister is not there. She is not concerned about you but about what others will think about her as a parent.”
“Don’t go.”
“Not worth your time anymore.” ~ evilcj925
“Remember that you are not obliged to justify your decision, or explain it, or defend it. You are not obliged to argue with them.”
“The same goes for anybody who might come to you on their behalf.”
‘”I prefer not to attend.”‘
‘”Oh, I won’t be attending. Personal reasons. Have a lovely time!”‘
‘”You already asked me that, and this is not a topic for discussion.’ subject change”
‘”If you can’t stop bringing this up, I’ll have to end this call. Good night.”‘ ~ jennyislander
“NTA.”
“An invitation is not a subpoena. You are not required to go.”
“If asked, just say you had previous plans with your bf.” ~ OCessPool
Boundaries are always important.
“Romantic weekend with your boyfriend….”
“Please don’t allow people to treat you in this toxic way with the excuse of it being for family or that’s what family does.”
“Set boundaries and follow them make people follow them, and include your mother on that list since she seems from this post your sister comes first regardless of your feelings NTA” ~ Bitter_Animator2514
“Probably because OP’s whole life revolved around her sister’s selfish choices enabled by bad parenting and favoring one child over the other.”
“It takes a lot of time to deprogram yourself from all of that and then realize that you have to establish boundaries, respect, and trust when up to this point- there’s been none.”
“It can be daunting to realize and difficult to live that reality once you’ve come to that realization.”
“But OP’s getting there, and these comments, conversations, and posting on Reddit is one of many steps she’s correctly making to improve and enrich her life inherently.” ~ YourCatChoseMeBirch
“You’ve never set a boundary before, so they’re going to fight this one HARD.”
“Don’t give in.”
“You decide what you’re willing to put up with. You can’t control what they do, but you CAN control what you put up with and what you choose to do.”
“NTA” ~ Dear_Ad_9640
“Stick with your boundary OP, even when they are tearing you down for it.”
“Using the excuse of ‘its family’ is so toxic.”
“Family isn’t just blood, and family doesn’t treat people this way.”
“Remember ‘no’ is a complete and justified answer. You do not need to elaborate on why.”
“You do not need to attend, and you do not need to send a gift.” ~ wanderingbookwhore
The Great Gift Debate.
“I agree. I wanted also to say, don’t get her a gift either. If she says anything, you can mention that you did babysitting for a year…for free.” ~ disturbed3215
“What goes around, comes around… every time. Sad though, as it will lead to family who aren’t in possession of all the facts judging OP somewhat harshly.”
“OP, I would say go to the wedding, eat and drink, but no gift. She already got it with the babysitting stunt.” ~ Ok-Pomegranate858
“But as I learned earlier today on a different post, sometimes a gift can be better than no gift.”
“Specifically a used toaster from Goodwill.”
“For the times when you don’t want them to mistake your lack of attendance for a lack of attention.”
“You got the invite. You paid attention. Your lack of presence is definitely a choice and not an accident. :)” ~ ZestyLemonAsparagus
“We got an ashtray as an engagement present. From his cousins. Neither of us smokes.”
“These are the same cousins who bought him a 200g box of chocolates from their entire family (15-20 people at a guess).”
“200g is about 6-7 oz for the non-metric readers.”
“(Edit: this was a birthday gift, not a wedding gift.)” ~ Moose-Live
Not everyone agreed with OP.
“I’m actually going to say YTA (sorry).”
“I won’t condone anything your sister has done or the way she has gone about it, but at the end of the day, weddings are seriously stressful.”
“We had to make some uncomfortable cuts and tell people they can’t bring their partners.”
“It is what it is.”
“However, you need to assume that your sister will only get married once.”
“If you go, you’ll never look at the photos and think, ‘I can’t believe my bf couldn’t come,’ but if you don’t go, you’ll regret seeing the photos of your entire family without you.”
“One day, you and your bf might get married, and you’ll be in your sister’s shoes.” ~ Skankz
Weddings don’t always bring out the best in people, but they do make for excellent reading!