It's wonderful to imagine love conquering all, but sometimes, it's not enough.
Sometimes, loving yourself and walking away is more important, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor External_Ad8238 had been happily married and loved her stepchildren, but that was only until the biological mother reappeared.
When the family effectively turned their back on her, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure what place she held in the family anymore.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for not doing anything for my stepchildren anymore after being called names and filing for a divorce from my husband after he didn't back me up?"
The OP had a good relationship with her stepchildren.
"I (30 Female) have been married to my (34 Male) husband for six years, and he has twins from a previous relationship, a boy and a girl. They're 16 now."
"When we started dating and got married, we went to family therapy, and I made it clear that I was not trying to be their mother or replace their mother. Their mother hasn't been in their life since they were about eight, and I met their dad about a year and a half after that."
"Things have been great with us these past six years since they were ten. They even started calling me 'mom' when they were around 12 or 13."
But everything changed when the kids' biological mother reappeared.
"Recently, their bio mother came back into their lives and they were really excited."
"Things were great for about six months, and then they started to call me by my real name. That hurt, but it's what they chose to do, and I never questioned it."
"But recently, they've been getting very disrespectful. They don't follow the curfew rules, they're not cleaning up after themselves, they're talking back to me, telling me I'm not their real mom, that I'm the reason she left, and that now that she's back, they don't need me anymore."
"Three weeks ago, there was a big blow-up where my (step) son called me a b***h. I took his phone and told him to his room until his dad came back, but instead, he ran out and went to his mom's."
"She came over and it was a big argument. She tried to hit me, and I pushed her out of my house."
"My (step) daughter told me if I ever put my hands on her mom again, then she'd kick my a**. They both went to their mom's place."
The OP stepped back from her role in the family.
"After that, I haven't been very active. I usually take them to sports and activities, but I stopped. I don't wake them up for school, so they've been late a few times."
"I tell them to have their mom wake them up and take them."
"We were supposed to go to Disney World for their spring break this week, too, but I canceled everything. I told them and my husband, and I guess they thought I was bluffing."
"We were supposed to leave Thursday night, and when I didn't start the usual vacation round-up, they were shocked."
"They started saying I was jealous that their mom came back into their lives, that I'm a horrible person, I'm selfish, there was some name calling and my husband was silent."
"I asked him if he was going to step in and he said I was wrong for canceling."
The OP needed time to think through what was happening.
"I left and went to stay in a hotel. He has been blowing my phone up, asking me to come back."
"Yesterday, he told me that their mother disappeared again, and they've been calling me, crying and apologizing."
"I don't want to do this anymore… I don't feel like I'm part of their family and they can't just cry and come back now that she disappeared."
"I told my husband that I want a divorce, and I'll be back over this week to get my things, but we have nothing to talk about."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some argued that the only person doing any parenting in this situation was the OP.
"NTA. If your husband stepped up and actually parented his children, then he wouldn't be looking forward to his second divorce and being a single parent." - No-Personality5421
"It was clear what the biomom was doing, but to disappear after she convinced her kids to blow up their home life just seems so messed up."
"I can see doing that if the biomom had plans to get her family back, but to leave when they need her... I hope these kids realize what kind of person their mom really is and that their dad gets them the help they need to deal with this."
"OP, you're not wrong to leave, the moment the disrespect started your husband should have stepped up." - Vegetable-Cod-2340
"It's because the OP stopped doing the heavy lifting. They started asking their mom to pick up the slack and then all of a sudden being a mom again wasn't fun and she bounced. Classic." - TheFishermansWife22
"Now that the biomom ditched again, the dad has to do it all himself and wants OP back because he doesn't want to do it, either. OP has been abused by all four of them and finallly said enough is enough and left."
"OP, you are NTA and you are right to finally take care of yourself. Divorce is hard and sad, but they seem to want what you can do for them, not want you for who you are and the love and care you provided for six years." - Malibucat48
"They used and abused OP, and now they'll pay the price for their arrogance, entitlement, and lack of respect for all OP offered willingly. They f**ked around, found out, and it's too late now." - Grouchy-Advantage619
"That biomom realized how much responsibility she would need to take on and ran like the coward she is! Of course, she left her kids hanging."
"It was never really about the kids. It was about her ego. She couldn't stand seeing her kids love someone else as a mother. She wanted that for herself. Just not the responsibility that comes along with it."
"She'll be back when the kids are independent adults and she won't have any responsibility for them." - Competitive-Bio-7097
"NTA."
"Leave these people behind; you were never family to them. Give yourself some time to heal, and then go find people who really love you."
"You're young and can have your own family, who will cherish and value you like you deserve. I'm wishing you the best." - Nanandia
Others encouraged the OP to understand that her husband was the problem, not the kids.
"NTA. Make sure your husband understands that the divorce is not his kids' fault but his and his alone."
"All kids act like a jack@ss when an absent parent comes back. Seriously that all gets a case of the stupid. But it is the parents' job to settle their a**es down, appropriately, but still. He did not do that. He f**ked up."
"It sounds like he has expected you to be the parent on his behalf since yall got together because you are a woman and he, being a man, is just there because somehow or another his penis gets in the way of him doing parent stuff. To which... f**k that."
"He needs to get his kids a therapist. He needs to take care of his kids by himself. And he needs to accept full responsibility solely for the divorce." - throwawtphone
"Your husband and stepkids are jerks, but I think the husband is a bigger jerk than the kids. The kids are confused because their bio mom dropped into their lives again, plus they're 16 years old so they are natural teenaged jerks anyway (I'm not excusing their behavior, just explaining it a little)."
"I think it's fine that the kids wanted to reconnect with their mother, I'm guessing she was acting like the hero swooping in and 'saving' them from the evil stepmother. But that's not how it is."
"Your husband should have been the one to steer things with his ex-wife and kids. He, more than anyone, knows how she is, dropping in and out of everyone's lives. To me the second the ex showed up, he should get his kids in therapy."
"To you OP, I would stay away from your husband and stepkids for a while, let cooler heads prevail. Then make a decision on what you want to do with your future to see if this blended family is fixable. If you do decide to reconcile, I would do it after some therapy for everyone." - PNL-Maine
"Of course, what the kids did was wrong, but they are following a fairly common pattern of behavior for kids with on-again-off-again parents, especially with the first on-again. The fact that they are teens almost makes it worse, as their brattiness can be especially hurtful, and they really understand what buttons are there to press."
"OP may or may not want to expose herself to that possibility of hurt again, but for her sake, know that you were collateral damage arising out of their trauma."
"Dad needs to get those kids to therapy as soon as possible. They need help processing this. It's a lot, especially when you're already dealing with the complexity of becoming an adult."
"OP, your husband failed you, and he failed his children. I'm so sorry." - MeanestGoose
"NTA. Your husband should have taken your side. I would take a few days off to calm down, re-evaluate, and then do whatever feels the best. Teenagers can be dumb, but your husband should have taken your side and scolded the kids for treating you poorly." - Simple-Plankton4436
"NTA. In my opinion, the issue is your husband's behavior, not the kids' behavior. With time, I can see the rift between you and the kids healing, there may be hope there."
"However, your husband should have defended and supported you. He has a lot of work to do to make up for how he emotionally abandoned you and it is your right if you feel that it won't be enough." - grosselisse
"So you also were the only one funding the vacation? Your husband is a massive a**hole. He's been using you to raise his ungrateful kids and using you for money! Divorce this whole family and find your happy place!" - Cdavert
"NTA. OP, you don't have a stepchildren problem. You have a husband problem. What the f**k is wrong with him? These are his kids and he's allowing them to treat you like this?"
"GET OUT. For all that you pointed to here. Dignity. Self-respect. How can you move forward when he's unwilling to be a parent to his own children?"
"What the f**k is wrong with him? And his kids are a reflection of him, so guess what? The disrespect isn't coming JUST from his kids." - Bhimtu
After receiving feedback, the OP argued against a few Redditors' critiques.
"Yes, I know their mother was manipulating them. I never said otherwise."
"Yes, they are 16… That doesn't give them the right to treat me this way. Being 16 doesn't mean you get to be disrespectful and threaten me. I have always been in their corner. I know their feelings matter in this, but I am also a person with feelings."
"I am not only considering or moving forward with this divorce based on how the children acted. It is also that my husband did not back me up in this… If I can't count on him to help me navigate this tough situation that we were all going through… then why should I stay?"
"That does not mean that I should be treated the way I was being treated… that is not normal 16-year-old behavior… to threaten me? Call me vile names?"
"I just need time for myself. And I don't want an apology just because their bio mother ran out on them again… I want an apology because they really mean it. I don't believe anyone can be truly sorry two days after their mother vanished again."
"I would never just abandon them… but I do need time for myself because my feelings were disregarded. Yes, I am an adult, but I still have feelings that were hurt and need time for myself."
"I never asked or expected them to be perfect. I never expected them to be the most mature people but I am allowed to be hurt and take time for myself during all of this. They have feelings and so do I."
"I love them very much, they are my children, but this is a very complicated situation. This is not because 'they called me a b***h,' I've been called worse, I'm a woman after all."
"This is ultimately about my husband not backing me up during this situation, and yes, I am hurt that they called me that I'm allowed to be… it hurts even worse coming from two people who I love dearly and would never hurt or want any harm to come to them."
Though there may have been a few Redditors messaging and criticizing the OP for "walking out" on her stepchildren, most argued that there's no such thing as walking out on a family you didn't really get to be a part of, to begin with.
Since the family seemed only concerned about going to Disney, the OP seemed better off going her own way and finding people who valued her more than what was in her checkbook.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp