Prom—short for promenade—has been around probably longer than most people might think. Similar celebratory events for young people go back to ancient civilizations, but modern prom is an offshoot of 18th and 19th century debutante balls.
Those high-society gatherings were an introductory parading of adolescent girls or young women who reached the age when courtship and marrige were possible.
Guests attended in formal attire at a co-ed banquet with eligible bachelors looking for wives and the new crop of potential wives.
The balls' origins are kind of awful, but for outside observers—those not of high enough social status to attend—they looked like a fun time combined with an excuse to dress up.
In the United States, proms are usually tied to high schools, with junior and senior—the 11th and 12th/final grades—proms held in the spring being common. Some cite the increased popularity of English proms as related to their prominence in US movies and TV shows.
Internationally, a number of countries opt for winter proms. Others hold a "100 days" celebration, which includes a prom-style dance 100 days before the final day of school.
Not everyone attends their prom, but it is seen as a rite of passage in many cultures.
The trappings of prom depend a lot on the community they take place in. From donated dresses to six-figure one-of-a-kind creations to competitive duct tape couture, prom ensembles can vary greatly.
But what they usually have in common is being a reflection of the person wearing it.
A daughter who prefers to do prom as herself or not at all turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
ViolinistNovel3752 asked:
"AITA for not wanting to go to prom because my mom wants me to wear my sister's prom dress?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (17, female) personally don't see how I'm wrong, but my mom is upset with me."
"My mom wants me to wear my sister's prom dress for my prom. I told her that I didn't want to do that because my sister's dress is not my style and it wouldn't match with my boyfriend's outfit."
"I told him I was gonna wear a black dress, so that's why I needed to match him because the suit he was getting was picked just to match mine. Or was supposed to."
"My sister's dress is pink and not that nice looking—to me."
"My mom told me that she didn't have enough money to pay for my dress and that my sister's dress was the only option. I don't care where the dress is from as long it's black and looks nice—thrift shop, Walmart or something."
"I found one for $165 that I really like."
I told her that I could use the money from my savings to pay for my own dress, but she told me that she didn't want me to do that because she wanted me to save my money."
"My dad's around, but he said he wouldn't spend money on it because it's not a necessity."
"So I just decided that since I wasn't allowed to buy the dress I wanted, I just wouldn't go. She was upset that I chose not to go and told me that I was being selfish and unfair to her."
"She's mad at me right now and told me that I'm hurting her feelings by choosing not to go, which I don't necessarily see how."
"I don't see why she wouldn't let me pay for my own dress when I can afford it instead."
"She has access to my account. Usually, if my mom needs to take money out of my account, she'll let me know, and she'll put it back."
"I don't think she'll do it without letting me know. I trust her."
"It's my senior prom. I'm graduating a year early, so I didn't go to prom last year because I was classified as a sophomore."
"My boyfriend and I weren't even planning on staying that long anyway. It was mostly just for me to say that we went."
The OP summed up their situation.
"My mom wants me to wear my sister's dress, and I don't want to."
"She couldn't afford to buy me a dress but is refusing to let me buy my own."
"I told her that if I'm not allowed to buy my own dress, I just wouldn't go."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA. She feels guilty that she can't buy you a new dress, and she doesn't want you to make similar financial mistakes that lead to her situation. To most adults, a $165 dress that you'll only wear once is a huge waste of money."
"However, she also wants to see you happy and not miss out on a childhood experience."
"All that said, that's her guilt to deal with and $165 isn't that high for prom. You can try compromising on renting or buying a cheaper dress, but you're not the a**hole for deciding to just not go or deciding to buy the dress." ~ karivara
"NTA. 'She was upset that I chose not to go and told me that I was being selfish and unfair to her...'."
"How? This is projective because the reality is your mom is being unfair to you. She's also being manipulative."
"It's not her fault if she can' buy you a dress; times are tough for a lot of people. She should let you buy one out of your savings though." ~ Apart-Ad-6518
Some wondered why anyone buys a prom dress if they don't routinely attend formal events.
"INFO: Is renting dresses no longer an option? Almost everyone rented their prom dress when I was in high school, so it's a legitimate question. Maybe she'd say yes to a rental."
"Regardless, NTA. Someone bought your sister a dress, she can't afford/doesn't want to buy you a dress, and won't let you buy one either."
"Your solution of not going sounds like the best option."
"It's definitely better than being forced to go in a dress you dislike or aren't comfortable in just to satisfy your mother."
"Prom is supposed to be about you going and having fun, not an act you're forced to perform." ~ LakotaGrl
"There are a number of cities where there are programs to make sure that underprivileged teens can borrow dresses and tuxs for prom. Underprivileged doesn't mean dirt poor."
"It can just mean a family is living paycheck to paycheck and doesn't have extra funds for luxuries like prom attire, so don't think that borrowing a dress from a program like this is some kind of shameful thing. A lot of families don't have money for extras right now."
"Alternatively, perhaps you could rent a dress from Rent the Runway. It is certainly cheaper than buying a designer gown. Maybe that could be a compromise with your mom since you wouldn't be blowing all your savings."
"I hope you decide to go, no matter what dress you have. It's a great way to celebrate being a senior and to make memories with your friends." ~ fashionably_punctual
"NTA. Also renting prom dresses and formal wear/evening gowns is becoming a lot more popular and common, and a rental doesn't cost anywhere near what a purchase does. I would see if there's a boutique near you that offers rentals." ~ Fantastic_Lady225
"NTA. I can understand your mom feeling bad that she can't provide the full experience for you, but she's also being unreasonable here. There are places that collect donations to give to people who can't afford new dresses."
"Also, secondhand stores like Salvation Army, Goodwill, and Savers always have dresses and you should be able to find a nice one for under $40 at those places. The Savers near me gets a lot of bridesmaid dresses that make good prom dresses." ~ Boop-500
One person felt the OP was being manipulative—giving her mother an "ultimatum."
"I'm not going to give you a judgment because I remember what it was like to be 17, and your feelings are valid. But I am going to try to translate what seems to be going on from an internet stranger's perspective."
"Your mom feels bad because she understands that senior prom is so important at your age. But she also doesn't want you to spend your savings on a dress that you'll wear for just a few hours when life after high school is crazy expensive, and she might not be able to help you as much financially as she would like."
"This doesn't necessarily make her right or you wrong. Far from it. You both have different perspectives based off your lived experiences."
"She also likely feels that by giving her an ultimatum you're trying to make her feel bad or that you're trying to guilt her into buying a different dress. That's of course not what you're doing but your mom already feels guilty and that is coloring her perspective of the situation."
"I do think there is a middle ground where you can find a dress you like second hand and/or if your sister agrees, sell her old prom dress to fund one for you."
"Ultimately, I would suggest you go to your prom, dance with your boyfriend, have fun with your friends, and enjoy this special moment that can't be repeated, no matter what dress you wear." ~ Ok_Ad_2437
But their opinions got plenty of pushback.
"Adults don't need reassurance from their minor children."
"Part of being a parent is keeping that sh*t to yourself and not putting the burden of it on your child." ~ dustandchaos
"Let me simplify this question, since it seems there was some confusion created by you assigning good motives to the adult and ill intent to the child then viewing everything through that bias."
"17-year-old daughter (OP) position: wear a dress she likes that matches boyfriend's attire and willing to use own savings for it OR prefer not to go in a dress they don't like"
"Mom position: daughter must go to prom, daughter must wear dress she doesn't like, daughter cannot buy her own $165 dress, daughter is 'selfish' and 'unfair' to the adult if they don't comply"
"Your nonjudgment is OP needs to be more understanding of their parent. That's what you got from that?"
"OP isn't demanding mom buy a dress. OP isn't demanding she be allowed to buy a dress. If they were, they'd need to be more considerate."
"Their inconsiderate solution was to be comfortable in a dress they like—however it's obtained—OR not go."
"Which you labeled an ultimatum. Is it because of OP's age that you're trying to vilify her or are you a parent who thinks parents are always right and kids are always manipulative?"
"Mom's only offered solution is mandatory prom attendance in the dress she doesn't like. PERIOD. Noncompliance means getting guilt-tripped and insulted."
"You can't judge the actual situation as presented, but you can twist everything into a scenario where OP is wrong and mom is a victim? 🤔" ~ Reddit
The OP hasn't updated their post with their final decision about prom, but they had indicated they plan to speak to their mother again about finding a more suitable dress.
Maybe mom doesn't realize it, but pink is pretty polarizing—you either love it or hate it.
A daughter whose ideal dress is black is unlikely to want to wear pink.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp