Some might say being asked to be a bridesmaid can be a mixed blessing.
While it often means that the bride considers you to be among her nearest and dearest, and wants you to stand with her on the most important day of her life, it can also come with a number of responsibilities.
Possibly precluding any chance to have fun at the wedding.
These are the reasons that Redditor supposed_golddigger preferred not to be a bridesmaid, and even declining her sister’s request to be in her wedding party
Something which did not go over well at all.
Having second thoughts about her decision, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit “Am I the A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to be a bridesmaid in my sister’s wedding?”
The OP explained how the first time she declined being a bridesmaid, the bride in question was understanding, and it turned out not to be an issue in the slightest.
“I (28 F[emale]) come from a big extended family.”
“Including me and my sister (23F), there are 24 female cousins and 17 male cousins.”
“Half of the cousins are already married.”
“When the first one ever asked me to be a bridesmaid I declined.”
“When I attend a wedding I want to have fun, eat food and dance.”
“In exchange I will get you a gift.”
“I do not want to spend my energy, time and money on your big day.”
“And when I get married, I will not have a bridal party nor will I expect a bachelorette party.”
“Well all of the cousins understood, there were no hard feelings.”
“And to be honest, with that many cousins it wasn’t even an issue.”
But things did not go as smoothly when the OP declined to be her sister’s bridesmaid.
“Now my younger sister is getting married.”
“She asked me to be a bridesmaid and I declined.”
“And I did it very gently.”
“I told her sorry, but with working full time, being in the final stages of preparing my thesis and teaching some summer classes; that I would not make a good bridesmaid.”
“Also my sister is a total bridezilla.”
“The dresses she is looking at for her party are $450, she expects a weekend bachelorette in Vegas with all the bells and whistles.”
“And wants everyone to attend dance classes to learn this elaborate dance to ‘surprise’ her with.”
“I do not have the energy for all that ish.”
“Now she said I am not invited to her wedding, if I am not willing to put forth the effort to make her day perfect, then I do not deserve to be there.”
“Honestly I don’t care.”
“But my mom and some aunts are calling me an AH.”
“So AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for declining to be one of her sister’s bridesmaids.
Just about everyone bemoaned how being a bridesmaid today also means being forced to plan bachelorette parties, and multiple other duties, which they felt more than justified the OP not wanting to be a bridesmaid, as did the manner in which her sister reacted.
“NTA.”
“Just seeing how she reacted to your refusal, you know you made the right choice.”
“Save yourself from all the rest of her BS.”-redpatoot
“NTA.”
“You don’t ‘deserve’ to be there?”
“Jesus, how full of herself can she be?”
“After a comment like that I wouldn’t go to that wedding if she paid me.”- BeepBlipBlapBloop
“NTA.”
“Wedding parties have gotten ridiculous these days.”
“We’ve gone from a bridal shower to a shower and a bachelorette party, to a bachelorette weekend at an expensive destination.”
“Not to mention the wedding day with the dress, shoes, hair and makeup.”
“If you know that it’s more effort than you’re willing to put forth, then you’d be an A H if you agreed to be in the wedding party.”- DistributionOk4169
“NTA.”
“Apart from it being your decision to be a bridesmaid or not, you even gave her a good reason why you wouldn’t be a good bridesmaid.”
“Probably your mom and other family call you the AH because she’s your sibling, but being her sister does not mean that you should be a bridesmaid.”
“From what you already told here about the wedding you really dodged a bullet there.”-Fun_Onion5582
“NTA.”
“She can ask; you can decline.”
“Done.”- Embarrassed-Sweet905
“Completely NTA.”
“I think you have dodged a huge bullet here.”- Kaylek82
“NTA.”
“You were honest and kind in how you put it.”
“You were also smart as she does seem to be going ‘bridezilla’.”- svifted
“NTA.”
“Nobody is compelled to be part of the wedding party beyond the bride and groom.”
“I personally can’t imagine forcing someone to be a bridesmaid or groomsman if they don’t want to be there, what’s the point?”- Cultural-Ambition449
“NTA.”
“If she wanted you to wear a reasonably priced dress and/or pay for that herself, and your only other obligations were to walk a bouquet down the aisle, it would be a different story.”
“She’s expecting way too much from someone who already has way too much going on.”-icedtea4all
“NTA.”
“Let your mother and aunts use their energy to convince her to re-invite you if they care that much about appearances.”
“Otherwise ignore any text or conversation about the wedding.”
“Its the brides and groom’s duty to make their day perfect not anyone else’s.”
“They can get a wedding planner, your mother and aunt can help her.”- Big__Bang
“NTA.”
“Working full time, preparing your thesis, AND teaching summer classes?”
“Yikes that’s busy.”
“I totally understand why you don’t have the time or energy to invest in what she is demanding from her wedding party.”
“I don’t think the expectations are that bad and she is communicating them, but it does mean she needs to be willing to accept a no.”
“Ew, so you’re just a prop to her?”
“Gross.”
“Some people do act like weddings mean the bride can say ‘jump’ and the only acceptable answer is ‘how high’.”- Kettlewise
“I am confused.’
“What does your being a bridesmaid have to do with the wedding being ‘perfect?”
“Is it solely because you are the sister?”
“And there is some value to that fact when it comes to being a bridesmaid?”
“I’m a guy, if it matters.”
“Compromise: ‘I’ll be a bridesmaid for the wedding, but due to other life issues, I can not participate in the bachelorette party, dance class, etc. Your choice’.”
“And then don’t bend.”
“When people complain, tell them the deal.”
“And get it in writing, by email.”
“NTA.”
“Stand your ground.”
“Oh, and be prepared for your sister to be insulted if you do not choose her as your bridesmaid or MOH.”- lapsteelguitar
“Definitely NTA.”
“If your mom and aunts can’t understand why you don’t want to, they’re crazy.”- PianoOk6786
“NTA.”
“You were honest that what you have going on wouldn’t allow you the time to do all the things she wants.”
“With how she is reacting to this it’s clear you made the right decision.”
“I imagine one misstep or anything she interpreted as a misstep would lead to her having a tantrum and kicking out anyway.”
“Hopefully she gets over it and you can attend.”
“If not, it’s her own doing.”- BlueBelle2019
“NTA sounds like a win-win for you.”
“Book a spa weekend or something for yourself on the same day and enjoy yourself with no regrets.”- JanetInSpain
“NTA.”
“Your sister sounds entitled, you explained why you could not be bridesmaid because of a busy schedule, the world does not revolve around her wedding.”
“I’m so happy all this wedding bonanza is not a thing where I’m from.”- Kashaya72
“NTA.”
“Presumably you thanked her for the offer, but you just wouldn’t be able to give her the time she needs.”
“She is being an AH for not inviting you to her wedding because things didn’t go her way.”
“That is the attitude of a child.”- Square_Lab_7868
“NTA.”
“You have very legitimate reasons why not to be her bridesmaid and she is showing her bridezilla antics already by uninviting you.”
“Stay far away from that drama!”-Radio_Caroline79
Perhaps what’s most upsetting about the behavior of the OP’s sister is her disappointment that her sister won’t pay up and plan all the extra activities, on top of all her other current obligations.
Had she instead sat her down and expressed how much it would mean to the OP to have her stand with her as she enters into this major new chapter in her life, the outcome might have been very different indeed.
Here’s hoping they can come to an understanding before the wedding, so that the OP can at the very least be there to see her little sister get married.
That is, if that’s the outcome she wants…