Financial disparity can be a major roadblock in relationships.
It’s hard not to feel self-conscious about the fact that your partner makes significantly more money than you do or has a bigger and nicer home.
Sadly, it’s more often than not an issue when a woman is more successful than her male partner.
Of course, not everyone sees a marked difference in finances as a problem.
There are those who see it as an advantage and have no trouble having their partner spend large sums of money on them.
Or asking them for money.
Redditor Scared-Speaker-4017‘s enviable financial situation didn’t seem to be an issue with her boyfriend when they first started dating.
But when his own situation changed, and he asked the original poster (OP) for help, she wasn’t entirely comfortable offering it.
Much to her boyfriend’s chagrin.
Unsettled by her boyfriend’s accusations, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not helping a guy that I just started dating financially?”
The OP explained how after her boyfriend unexpectedly fell on hard times, she was reluctant to offer the help he requested.
“I 35 am fairly well off.”
“My grandparents paid for my education and my parents bought me a house.”
“I know I’m blessed.’
“I try and pass it forward.”
“I have a job that pays me well and I enjoy it.”
‘I had a fiancé a few years ago but it didn’t work out.”
“He is a good guy and I am friends with his wife.”
‘I am a difficult person to date because my work takes me away from home for weeks at a time.”
“I met a guy eight months ago and we started seeing each other when I am in town.”
“He is respectful and understands my boundaries.”
“He recently lost his job though and is thinking of giving up his apartment.”
“He says that we should move in together.”
“So really he would be moving into my house.”
“I don’t think that is a great idea.”
“He says that our city is very HCOL and if he doesn’t find work soon he may just move back to the Midwest.”
“I like him but not enough to want to support him.”
“I offered him my rental suite in my home for a very good price.”
“That way he could have an opportunity to find another job and we could sort of ease into moving in together.”
“He said I was being ridiculous if I was expecting him to pay me money to live in a house I don’t even pay a mortgage on.”
“I said that it was his decision but that I wasn’t really ready to move in with him yet.”
“He asked if I could loan him some money to tide him over.”
“I said I would but it would have to be an official loan with paperwork.”
“My parents taught me not to loan money without paperwork unless it was really a gift.”
“He says I am trying to abuse him financially.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Am I being an a**hole?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was in no way the a**hole for not helping out her boyfriend financially.
Everyone agreed that the OP was well within her rights not to feel comfortable letting her boyfriend move in, or loaning him money, with many feeling he was taking advantage of her situation, and urging her to question if staying in this relationship was a good idea.
“It would be a HUGE mistake and the fact that he says YOU are the financial abuser.”
“Well, while he’s pointing one finger at you, three more are pointing right back at him.”
“His comment about it being ‘ridiculous’ to pay money on a house you don’t even have a mortgage on is very concerning as well.”
“Heed the red flags and RUN. LIKE. HELL.”- Johnny-Fakehnameh
“It sounds like he thought he was gonna get an easy life with a wealthy woman and is trying to guilt you into paying for his life.”
“Run away!”- pauliewotsit
“NTA, but he most definitely is TA.”
“He wants something for nothing from you and moving in with you is convenient to him not because you’ve talked about it and are both comfortable with it, the financials etc.”
“Even if he changes his stance, don’t let him move in.”
“And don’t lend him any money either.”- Ok_City_7177
“You’re doing everything right to protect yourself.”
“Stick to your guns.”
“Honestly, that fact that he is putting pressure on you and trying to pressure you into something that you’re clearly not comfortable with is in fact financial abuse, not what you’re doing.”
“It’s a huge red flag op.”
“He’s not respecting your boundaries and I’d guarantee that if you do lend him this money, you’ll never see it again.”- Symbolicdeathwish
“NTA, sounds like he’s trying to mooch and since you’re not falling for it he’s trying to manipulate you into it by calling you an abuser.”
“Run and don’t look back.”- QuieroAlcapurrias
“Cut that boy loose now while you still can.”- RealLow6688
“He has no idea what financial abuse is.”
“Ditch the freeloader.”- meu03149
“In fact, nobody would be abusing anybody, but if they were he would be financially abusing you by taking advantage of your assets, either the house or the loan, without contributing.”
“Anyone who wants to borrow your money but refuses to sign something saying they borrowed it and will pay you back is not someone who is planning on paying you back.”
“Hypothetically, he borrows the money, you keep dating, ‘but now we’re together, you love me, what’s a little money?’ and he never pays you back.”
“If you write up the contract you can tear it up later, but it’s almost impossible to write one up after the fact.”
“Where do you see this going?”
“It’s a new relationship and he already feels entitled to your finances.”
“Doesn’t matter where your good fortune came from, gift or earning, it’s yours.”
“Is this the kind of person you want to be with?”
“Don’t just date him because you’re ‘difficult’ to date, you’ll find someone else if it doesn’t work out.”-Natural_Garbage7674
“NTA, and it’s entirely reasonable to expect a boyfriend in that stage of the relationship to pay rent to live in a house you own.”- AnonymousWritings
“He’s trying to abuse you financially and become your leech, and he’s pissed off because you’re not letting it happen.”
“Him trying to pressure/manipulate you into this shows who he really is and what his intentions truly are.”- OkPhilosopher1313
“NTA and I would dump him, he feels entitled to your space and money and uses manipulation to get you to change your mind, move away.”
“Take these signs for what they are, red flags.”
“Stand your ground.”- MissNikitaDevan
“It’s too soon to move in and basically he would have your entire house to himself when you are away for work.”
“What happens if he just sells all the contents for cash and disappears?”
“Your gut is telling you not to trust him, please don’t rent him your suite either.”- OkraOk8923
“I don’t even think you should consider loaning money.”
“If he doesn’t pay it back, do you really want to go to court?”
“Why would you want to continue dating someone who is accusing you of abuse?”-thewhiterosequeen
“I would only ever loan money even to close family and friends with signed paperwork etc.”
“I’ve seen too many episodes of Judge Rinder lol.”- MammothAd1266
“This sounds more like he is trying to financially exploit you.”- native2112
“Hell no, I am in a similar position to you, my folks bought my home and I have a nicely paid job.”
“I made the mistake you’re questioning a few years back and let him completely walk all over me.”
“He owes me thousands.”
“Don’t make my mistakes.”- MissKLO
“OMG this guy is totally trying to take advantage of you.”
“Thank God you nipped it.”
“He is a hobo-sexual, looking for free housing.”
“Kick his @ss to the curb, you deserve better than this.”- ostellastella
“Me and my now wife moved in together after about a month.”
“But things really clicked and just made sense when we were together.”
“That was 8 years ago.”
“If his back up plan is to move west I wouldn’t loan him any money without paperwork, or let him move in for free.”- Deplorable_username
Nothing kills a relationship more than one-half of a couple moving things too fast.
If the OP felt she wasn’t yet ready to move in with her current boyfriend, then it was probably wise for her to say no.
One can only imagine that his reaction to her response was everything she needed to assure herself she made the right decision.