We all know the feeling of helping someone, only for them to not reciprocate those efforts.
But that experience especially stinks when we've helped an unappreciative family member, empathized the "
Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Poesbutler spent years providing most of the care for her elderly mother, even when it meant draining her savings, paid time off at work, and milestone experiences with her kids.
But when her mother showed how ungrateful she was by not even mentioning her in her final will, the Original Poster (OP) decided it was time for the people in the will to take care of her.
She asked the sub:"AITAH for ignoring my injured mom after she cut me out of her will?"
The OP's mother was very reliant on her and her brother."I (50 Female) am the eldest of divorced parents. My father is happily remarried with more kids, but my mother stayed single and relies on me and my younger brother (45) to come help her out in her retirement village regularly." "It's a flight and a rental car to get to her so it's kind of a pain. What makes it worse is that my younger brother, who is single with no kids, will never go down when she needs something. He'll only go when it aligns with his schedule. So he'll go down during his summer vacation and then help with things like moving furniture or taking her car in to be serviced."The OP felt it was unfair how much her mother expected from her."However, if it's an emergency of any kind, it's all on me. I'm married with kids in school and a decent career and a side gig. But all h**l breaks loose if I don't go. Passive-aggressive texts, relatives pestering, etc. When I ask if anyone else could step in, the answer is always 'But you're the one she wants.'" "How big a deal can this be? This woman is the most accident and illness-prone human you'll meet. And it's all for real: in the last few years it's been a head-on car collision, cancer twice, another car accident (she got t-boned), and pneumonia. She wasn't like this growing up, just since retiring." "So even staying the least amount of days (to the point of having to go back once when the caregiver I found flaked)... I've burned through PTO (paid time off), cashed in all of my savings, and left the kids to have milestones without me." "And to make it worse, usually when I'm with her, she talks on and on about my 'golden' brother. 'See how he hung that new picture when he was here? He's so handy!' It's annoying as h**l, but I've had a lifetime to get used to it."Then the OP discovered just how ungrateful her mother was for her efforts."Some months ago, I found out by accident that except for some small amounts for my kids, she's leaving everything to my brother. It will be a decent amount ($250,000+). I was so perplexed and admittedly hurt." "She refused to talk to me about it (hung up on me and ignored texts), so I was stuck trying to figure out what I did to make her decide to do this." "Eventually, one of her siblings told me that it was to ensure my brother could retire comfortably, since he's always worked low-wage jobs. However, he has few expenses because he lives completely free with a wealthy relative who has a large home (that he will also be inheriting). "Recently, she had another accident and called me to help. I got the call from the hospital and then her rehab center, because even though my brother is her medical POA, I'm always the name and number she gives out." "When I didn't say I'd be coming, she sent texts complaining of how hard it is to not be able to drive or do many things and pushed for my travel plans." "My love for her and care for her was never based on money. She's my mom. But I ended up telling her I couldn't come down. I couldn't bring myself to do it." "I know she's in pain and struggling. I know that her siblings and friends are too old and too far to be much help. But in a moment of spite, I told her to get my brother to do it and of course, she defended him and added that he couldn't, as a guy, help with some things."The OP's husband reassured her that it was time for the OP to put herself first."My spouse says I'm in the right. He stated that I've prioritized her needs all my life, and even if it's because of the will, it was past time for me to stop doing everything." "But others, especially family, can't understand why I haven't gone down yet, and I end up feeling so disappointed in myself." "Mom sends me 'oh woe is me' texts about how she will manage without me even though everything's a struggle (the injuries are legitimately difficult). Now she's sending texts about how she understands I'm too busy and she'll call the youngest of her siblings (67 Female) if she has to.""AITAH for leaving my injured mom on her own because she cut me out of her will?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were disappointed on the OP's behalf that her efforts hadn't been valued."NTA and I get feeling guilty because the source of it was the will, but the will was essentially an evaluation." "She has disregarded the financial cost of the travel you take on regularly. She has disregarded the impact it has on your life. And as awful as it sounds, of course, expectation regarding the will would factor in, she disinherited her caregiver." "The ask before was, 'Help me, I’m your mother and need my daughter's support,' and it has become 'My daughter should financially, mentally, and physically give and in exchange, your brother will be set for life.'" "It essentially places a value on your efforts (which is zero since inheritance is for the kids and not you). And so when someone doesn’t value the effort you put in, you lose all desire to continue putting that effort in." "NTA. Go invest your time in yourself and your kids, mama set the tone and you’re just matching step." - jewel_flip
"Why is she meant to be the sole person responsible for helping her mother? Regardless of money? Brother is the medical point of contact. OP can’t even make decisions for the person she’s supposed to spend hundreds of dollars plus lost wages to care for and support while the man who 'needs more help financially' can’t even bother to help." "It astounds me that it’s ALWAYS the girl child’s responsibility to help." "And the fact that you’d drop literally everything to help your parent whenever shows you either have a healthy family dynamic without a golden child/scapegoat scenario or you’re a doormat." - cryssylee90
"Friends of ours (a couple) are in a similar situation as you are. In their case, her mom is 90 years old, in a wheelchair, and in a home. They live five hours away, and the brother lives in the same town as her. Nothing they do is good enough. It will never end until you put a stop to it." "Don't feel guilty about stopping. If she needs help, send her links to places that offer these services (driving her to appointments, personal support worker, food delivery, etc)." "At this point, the only thing you have to lose is your sanity." - LuvCilantro
"You can't go because you need to raise your kids and make money. If your brother is working low-wage jobs, he can get one nearby and earn his inheritance. NTA." "Just say, 'I have no more time off, so I can't go. I am unwilling to quit my job, which helps support my family, feed my kids, and save for their education. If you'd like to help, start with my brother and the rest of the family instead of all of you deciding it's ONLY ME and MY FAMILY that has to sacrifice.' Then hang up." - mmcksmith
"OMG! My nan passed away during the pandemic (2021). She was 100. She had two children left: my mom and her brother." "When the will was read, my mom got absolutely nothing, and my lazy, good-for-nothing uncle inherited everything: house car money everything." "My poor mom never suspected her own mom would betray her so completely, and she never found closure. My mom hasn't been the same since." "I am the middle son, so it's always me spending time with her. My two brothers are always too busy to help my mom, so it's down to me to support her and my dad. We spend a lot of time talking about her pain and shock at what her mom did to her." "Mom has told me when she passes away, my uncle will not be welcome at her funeral." "I saw him recently. When he saw me, he had a smirk on his face. It took all my willpower not to knock him out. Mom said to be the bigger man, so I just walked around him." - ColdHandGee
"Dude, you are definitely NTA. But you will be the a**hole to yourself and your family if you relent and go back to help your mother." "To be honest, I strongly believe that you should tell her the brutal truth about why you have refused to continue being at her beck and call and adamantly refused to go help her." "Let her know, something like, 'Mum, I have recently been made aware that you have cut me out of your will and have left everything to my brother. After everything I have done for you, such as flying out to you as soon as possible after you call me to demand my help, spending most of my savings over the years paying for flights and rental cars every time you demand my help, exhausted my PTO time every year using it for you, abandoned my husband and children for weeks on end and forced to miss my kids milestones and victories.'" "'My brother has done almost nothing for you, he has fixed a few small things and bought furniture for you, but he has not once helped you with your medical care and injuries. I am beyond shocked and offended, I am enraged that I have allowed myself to be used by you for so long, wasted my savings on you and not been there for my family, while my brother has no responsibilities or burdens, doesn't have a family to support, and he has all the time in the world, but he has done absolutely nothing for you...yet he is inheriting your entire estate. HOW DARE YOU!?!?'" - Awkward-Lawyer-559
"It was like this in my family too. The women were expected to do it all and sacrifice endlessly, but the men had the value, respect, and finally, the inheritance. Without having to lift a finger." "The sexism is astounding. And revolting. She’s drawn you a roadmap about valuing women, lol (laughing out loud), so use it on her." "NTA unless you keep on letting her guilt you. Please step away. I’m betting your spouse will support you fully in this. Good luck, OP." - islandlalala
"It is ALWAYS the capable, independent, and more successful sibling that gets screwed over while the average or less-than-average golden child gets rewarded for doing nothing or less than nothing." "That driven child takes on the older/elderly parent/s out of love and respect until they finally realize that no matter how much they do or how many sacrifices they make for that older/elderly parent/s- they are going to be f**ked over in the end. Their time, money, effort, and most of all their love, is wasted on someone who is USING them while that same someone is rewarding the unmotivated, unaccomplished, and ungrateful golden child." "Some parents reveal their favoritism like a neon sign early on, and then it is easy to write those parents off as a waste of one's energy to win over. Other parents are better at using you for many years while they quietly support their golden child. I'm just sorry that the OP lost so much time already. NTA for not giving away any more of it." - SummerIceCream3893
"It’s not about the money, it’s about the blatant lack of respect towards you and your family, and the blatant favoritism towards your younger brother who, from the sounds of things, has put as little effort as possible into anything and everything he’s done and yet keeps getting rewarded over you by everyone around him." "Your mother has basically had you at her beck and call despite the constant disruption to the lives of you and your family, and yet is planning to completely disrespect you and that constant back-breaking service after she’s gone, probably to avoid you being able to complain to her." "There were a bunch of different ways she could have made it apparent that she is literally using you to only discard you later, the fact that the way it did happen just so happened to revolve around money doesn’t make it your fault, or make you greedy or selfish." "Your mother has shown how much you and your constant support has meant to her. If you believe that it’s less than you deserve (it is), then you have every right to withdraw that support and take your time and love elsewhere. NTA." - Insert_Goat_Pun_Here
"I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. In my humble opinion, your mom has told you pretty explicitly that she doesn’t appreciate your efforts." "I totally understand if you continue to help your mom out of a misplaced feeling of obligation. But I completely support you in feeling that relationships are two-way, and you’ve given far too much without getting anything in return. NTA." - Confident-Wish555
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update."Sometimes, the Reddit community is empathy and strength in the best way. You all gave me the clarity of perspective and I'm sorry I couldn't reply to everyone individually." "BUT before I could talk myself out of it, I texted my mom's youngest sibling and told her I was tapping out. I ranted a bit. A lot. She bought a plane ticket and is going down to help mom. She completely understood and was super supportive." "She told me that mom has been having memory issues and is planning to move to assisted care. OK... she said she's going make that a priority when she's down to help. Technically, she's my aunt, but I never knew her growing up. it was nice to feel like a family member had my back." "I don't know if she told my mom or shared my texts, but my mom has been calling. I muted her. I don't know what happens next but I think a good night's sleep is definitely first." "Thank you again for being a clear voice."Later, the OP shared a more in-depth update."Y'all. I don't even know what to say besides thank you. You have been... clear and generous and demonstrated ALL the sense I was lacking." "I realize I was brought up, in a way, to think all this was normal. Until the past week, I thought it was." "So to the update: Mom's sibling has been a storm of getting things done. I guess there's been an unspoken awareness in the family of the way I've taken on so much, and my meltdown was not a massive surprise. I've had several texts of, 'Hey, you take care of you, we got this.' Nice, but like ... where was this, especially the last 10 years?" "She and my mom are actually investigating assisted living. Mom told her she didn't want to become a burden. (Insert eye roll?) In any event, they are copying me on websites and stuff." "I'm staying home with no plans to go down. I feel regret. It feels wrong not to be there. But I'm also feeling relief." "I realize what many of you said: it wasn't the money, it was the idea she had no thought about taking care of me or acknowledging me as much as my brother. She's my mom. But also, it feels awful that she's parentfied me and infantilized my brother and that would be her last message to us."The OP was still processing everything that had happened."My mom's sister texted me that there are life insurance policies for my kids to cover a chunk of college and that mom's funeral and all that is prepaid. She didn't have to break the expectation of confidentiality and tell me (and here I am telling Reddit), and I'm so glad she did. It gave me some peace to know she thought of the kids." "I guess this was the breakdown that changed the way of things for me. I'm sad in some ways but free in others. It will take a while, but I think the biggest lesson here was that I did this to myself and my family by jumping to someone else's tune. I've apologized to my spouse and there's been a shift between us for the better. I guess I'm growing a spine?" "Mom doesn't know I had this crisis. Her sister just told her that I was extremely busy and couldn't come down and that my mom should let others help once in a while. Mom was calling to see if everything was ok because that sounded odd to her, especially since I didn't tell her myself (... and be told I was abandoning her?). "I texted my mom that I hoped her sister was helping, and she said, 'yes thank you.'" "It's a start."There was some retaliation, however."To those of you that guessed there would be some nastiness: yes, there has. My dad (of all people!!) called and told me to 'let up on my brother.' I was completely confused until he said that my brother was brokenhearted and that I broke my promise (huh?) to go help my mom and was suggesting he needed to go.""I told him it was true I'm not going, but I haven't talked to my brother, and it's not my job to tell my brother what to do.""My mom's eldest sibling put in the family group chat (that is usually 100% birthday greetings and funny memes) that they and their spouse are highly concerned that mom isn't being taken care of and that sometimes 'neglect is abuse,' and people don't realize." "My mom's youngest sibling sent a screenshot of the cost of a fight for the eldest' hometown to mom's closest airport. Group chat is now silent. I laughed hysterically." "Thank you all for being the best of the Reddit communities. I don't know if there will be another update, so I want to take this moment to express my appreciation."
The subReddit empathized with the OP about all she had sacrificed for her mother and how little she was getting in return. It was clear that it was time for her brother to step up for a variety of reasons.
If he was going to receive such a large inheritance while the OP received none, he would have to catch up on providing care.
