Whether they're having a small, intimate wedding or a large wedding with hundreds of people, all prospective brides and grooms must eventually draw the line at who gets an invitation and who doesn't.
Often making guest lists even more complicated is who gets a plus one and who doesn't.
Indeed, many invited guests do not take kindly to the fact that they were not also granted a plus one, and thus must attend the wedding alone.
Even if they are currently without a significant other and have been for some time.
Redditor RealisticOpening2048 was finalizing the guest list for her upcoming wedding.
When doing so, and in an effort to keep her guest list small, the original poster (OP) eventually decided not to give her sister the opportunity to bring a date.
Sadly, the OP's sister was quite hurt and angry by this news, and the OP's explanation as to why she wasn't allowed to bring a plus-one only made her sister feel even worse.
Wondering if she could have handled things better, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not giving my sister a plus one to my wedding?"
The OP explained why she made a conscious decision not to allow her sister to bring a plus-one to her upcoming wedding:
"I (25 F[emale]) am a Winter 2024 bride, and am marrying the absolute love of my life."
"My sister and I have always had a great/interesting relationship."
"Most sisters would know; one day, you start fighting because she wore your clothes, and the next day, you're having Dunkin together, typically sisterly things."
"Well, my sister has always been, to put it frankly, a pick-me, girl."
"She has no friends that are women because she says 'she sees them as competition' and she likes to be friends with boys."
"She will only date rich men, and refuses to settle for less (a little bit to that later)."
"My sister has not had a relationship last longer than 2 months, and she always has a new guy on her shoulder."
"My mother and Fiancé were recently talking about this before I sent out my invitations."
"I had mentioned since our venue was on the smaller side, we didn't want strangers in our wedding, nor did we want them in our wedding photos."
"My mom had made a comment about how anyone my sister would bring would be a fling, since she currently was not in a relationship."
"When we went home that night, I brought it up to my Fiancé (we'll call him Bertram)."
"I told Bertram that I really did not want a complete stranger in my wedding pictures, and certainly not someone my sister would only have been dating a few weeks, maybe a month."
"Well just this past week Bertram and I sent out our wedding invitations, and they read 'We have reserved __ seat(s) in your name'."
"So for example for my Fiancé's family his reads, 'We have reserved 4 seat(s) in your name'."
"When my sister received her invitation, hers read 'We have reserved 1 seat(s) in your name'."
"And boy was she upset."
"She called me and told me that it was not fair that she could not bring a plus one."
"I mentioned to her that she didn't have the best track record with men, and that Bertram and I really didn't want some random person nobody would talk about in our wedding pictures."
"She said that I was selfish, and that since our Wedding was towards the end of December (the 29th) she had 6 months to find a boyfriend, and that it would be a serious relationship."
"Now here I might've gotten mean, but I told her I would seriously doubt if she found anyone, given her track record for the absolutely worse men alive."
"As I mentioned before rich men, who think buying gifts will excuse cheating, and lying."
"She got upset, hung up, and said she will be attending my wedding with a boyfriend of 4 plus months because she will find one."
"AITA for not giving her a plus one? And would I be an a-hole for considering to uninvite her all together?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally had trouble sympathizing with the OP for not giving her sister a plus one to her wedding.
Some supported the OP's stance, agreeing that she was completely valid in not wanting complete strangers in her wedding pictures and pointing out that plus ones also result in added costs:
"NTA."
"For the last time, for everyone in the back, you don't have to invite anyone to your wedding just because someone expects it."
"Just like people are free to take that invitation and respond to it how they see fit."-NotCreativeAtAll16
"NTA."
"There is never any obligation to offer single people a +1 to a wedding."
"But I certainly hope this is a blanket policy you applied across the board rather than singling out your sister."- Jyqm
Others, however, felt that the OP was being completely insensitive for throwing her sister's dating history back in her face and that giving your sister a plus one to the wedding was only polite.
"Gonna go against the grain and say YTA."
"You come across as very judgy and contemptuous of your sister, and I bet that tone was apparent when you explained the rule to her."
"You might win the battle, but if you value your sister at all, you need to find more respectful, empathetic ways of communicating with her."- growsonwalls
"You're not an a**hole for not giving your sister a plus one, but DAMN, the way you talked to her?"
"You had so many options, and you chose to be an a-hole every time."
"You knew that this was going to be something your sister would want to discuss."
"Why on earth didn't you prepare yourself for this conversation?"
"You should have had a clear, neutral explanation ready to go."
"'Because this is a small wedding, we only want people there that we have a relationship with'."
"'We don't want someone there we don't know'."
"Of course, a discussion (and possibly an argument) would follow."
"But at least you could have gotten off on the right foot."
"Instead, what you did say, the very first explanation you gave her, was that she didn't have the best track record with men."
"Damn, girl, you went right for the throat."
"You immediately made it personal, and you did so in a massively judgmental way."
"You don't approve of her relationship history, so she doesn't get to bring a date."
"You could have given her an explanation that wasn't hurtful and judgmental, but for reasons of your own, chose not to."
"She responded poorly, but you absolutely provoked her."
"And as if that wasn't enough, you then made absolutely clear that this was 100% about you disapproving of her choices, and that there's nothing she can do to change your low opinion of her and her relationships."
"Yeah, saying 'Well I'm going to find a boyfriend right now just to spite you' is her being petulant, but you basically told her you don't think she's capable of having a relationship with a decent guy."
"Ouch."
"And again, you had other options!"
"You could so easily have told her, 'Well, if you start seriously dating someone, we can revisit this discussion'."
"But that wasn't what you said, at all."
"And because she reacted badly again, now you're thinking of uninviting her entirely?"
"I'm sure you love your sister, but it really doesn't seem as if you like her very much."
"At every turn during this conversation, you chose the most hurtful thing to say, even though there were blatantly obvious alternatives available to you."
"I'm going with YTA, because while your sister also behaved badly, you really provoked her."-FeuerroteZora
"I don't know, you tell me?"
"You're placing yourself on a pedestal and using your wedding as an excuse to belittle and shame your sister's love-life, because her plus-one might be in some photos?"
"If I were her I wouldn't even come, and years down the road when people ask why you can tell them you cared more about the wedding photos than your sister."
"Get over yourself, seriously."
"YTA."- behappysometimes
"Oh, god YTA."
"Just the way you wrote this."
"Close family always get a plus one, even if it's a friend so they're comfortable and happy."
"Unless you have about twenty guests, your sister gets a guest."
"Your writing of this is seriously judgmental."
"It's not cute or fun."
"Actually, don't invite her at all. The whole thing sounds insufferable."- whatsername235
It's common knowledge that the more people you invite to a wedding, the more it's going to cost.
And had any of us been in the OP's shoes, much as we might be loath to admit it, we probably also would have preferred her sister come alone rather than bring a stranger with whom she very likely had no future.
But that is a thought that the OP should have kept to herself rather than telling her sister right to her face.
Still, the OP likely doesn't need to worry about her sister bringing a plus one anymore, as chances are, her sister will not be attending either.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp