Taking care of family can be a full-time job.
But family is family, right?
Sometimes that care can get in the way of the health of one's own life.
That's why people have boundaries.
And those boundaries are tested often.
Redditor Lazydaisy25 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA For refusing to take care of my sister when our mother passes?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My father expects me to move my sister in and take care of her like a child or something."
"My sister (37) is more than capable of getting a job and becoming an adult but everyone always allowed her to get away with being childish."
"She is healthy and mentally all there (just never had a job or license) she lives with our mother, whose health is no longer great."
"I'm 39 and have 3 kids and work 60+ hrs a week."
"I have no plans or interest in raising or taking care of anyone else."
"I already take our mother and take her to doctors, and other appointments."
"I bring her meals and make sure she is taking her meds."
"Recently my father asked what I was going to do about my sister when our mother passes."
"She had a bad health scare and was in the hospital for weeks."
"He knew I was bringing groceries to my sister and making sure bills were paid while she was in the hospital."
"I told him she can live on the streets."
"He got upset and said I can't do that to her."
"I told him I have no plans on taking care of any more people."
"I did that since I was a child."
"Our mother has mental health issues, and her father, our grandfather, lived with us, and I took care of him."
"Cooking meals, cleaning his room, and doing his laundry."
"I told him if he didn't want her to be homeless, then he could move her in."
"His wife won't allow that."
"He thinks I'm being unreasonable and cruel."
"I told him I don't think she is my problem."
The OP was left to wonder:
"But am I the a**hole for feeling that way?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Your father has plenty of time to arrange an apartment for your sister that he can pay for if he and your mother have enabled her entire life."
"Alternatively, he can research the social services she may receive like SNAP benefits, Medicaid, and Section 8, and get her wait-listed for public housing if he's worried about how and where she'll live if your mother's health continues to deteriorate." ~ Peony-Pony
"It's time to limit contact."
"It sounds like you've spent your entire life being forced to take care of people without any say in the matter (not talking about your own family, of course)."
"It's long past time for you to start taking care of yourself."
"I do not think you should be involved in anything that relates to the care of your sister." ~ Straight_Bother_7786
"NTA. I Agree if he keeps taking such good care of the sister whenever the mom is ill, she will also assume that going to be the arrangement moving forward."
"Tell your sister directly she should start getting her ducks in a row."
"She can grocery shop and set reminders for bills herself."
"You're not actually helping her by doing it for her."
"You're also contributing to her babying." ~ Abject_Director7626
"NTA - Please stand your ground. 'Dad, whatever happens to my sister, your adult child… is on you, I paid my dues.'"
"'She's your problem, so you help her figure it out.'"
"'She is absolutely not moving in with me and as of X date, I'm no longer going to be paying any bills for her.'"
"'Nothing against her, but her life is not my responsibility.'" ~ catinnameonly
"Clearest NTA I've ever seen on here."
"She's an able-bodied 37-year-old who has never worked."
"Tough love is going to have to come for her."
"It's a shame it's come so late."
"She can get a job and feed herself."
"Not your problem." ~ Thedudeabides470
"She is 37. You are 39."
"The idea that you are at fault for her situation, is an illusion, likely created by your parent's constant parentification and guilt-tripping of you."
"If there's anyone whose fault this is, you are not that person."
"If there's anyone who should be solving this problem at their own expense, you are also not that person." ~ Reasonable-Sale8611
"NTA. Why should you baby your sister more?"
"It is too much already, I think, that you bring her food and pay her bills."
"She should learn to do these things by herself if she is able to."
"Not your responsibility that your family babyed your sister to this amount." ~ Trevena_Ice
"If she is truly a physically and mentally healthy 37-year-old old as you say, then I don't even understand why this is a question."
"Why should it be your responsibility to take care of a perfectly capable adult?"
"If the story really is as you're telling it, then obviously NTA." ~ JohnTeaGuy
"Exactly. OP is enabling the sister as much as their parents are... I wonder if there is a hidden reason for it."
"'Bringing food for mum" means actually 'bringing food for both of them.'"
"Grocery shopping for the sister, reminding her to pay bills... OP is treating her as a minor."
"Which is probably very convenient, as she is living with mum and taking the brunt of her care."
"OP says mum has a mental health problem, and now her health has turned worse; she might have needed more care than OP recognizes/admits."
"I mean... has the sister been allowed to be childish, or has she been treated as the de-facto carer for mum, which has meant she couldn't get a job?"
"Did she want to get a license but was discouraged... because it would give her the ability to get some freedom?"
"OP, YTA for that."
"I understand you don't want to look after your sister forever, but start acting now."
"Talk to her, explain the situation, let her behave as the adult she is."
"Help her now if she needs it before she finds herself in the streets."
"I might well be mistaken, but to me, it sounds as if having your sister looking after your mum is very convenient for you (she's a free carer, after all), but you are planning on letting her on her own as soon as she's not useful." ~ Agostointhesun
OP responded...
"I don't bring food."
"Mom comes over, and I try to make extra healthy meals so she can take a portion home."
"Her diabetes was out of control, and she was on the verge of having her foot amputated."
"Which is only two times a week."
"Sister will not eat anything I cook."
"She only eats s*it."
"Which I guess is putting her in bad health as well now."
"I haven't seen her or spoken to my sister in 3 years."
"And that time she only came out to talk to me because our mom was in the hospital having heart surgery."
"No, she never wanted to drive."
"I tried to get her to let me teach her, and she refused."
"Father tried as well, and she again refused."
"Unfortunately, my mother allowed it to go on so long because that way she wouldn't end up alone."
"My sister does her laundry while mom goes back to work since she doesn't make enough on Supplemental Security Income to take care of them both."
"From what my mother has said, my sister sleeps most days and only gets up to play video games and draw."
"She has no friends."
"You say one wrong word to her, and she'll never speak to you again."
Reddit continued...
"If this is how it goes, I was mistaken, and you are NTA."
"At all. Anyway, you should talk to her and explain you will NOT be taking care of her."
"Then she can start planning what to do."
"And if she decides not to talk to you ever again, well, problem solved." ~ Agostointhesun
"OP, you were a parentified child."
"Your sister has never been your responsibility."
"You're not abandoning her. She's a grown-a** healthy adult."
"You have more than enough on your plate with having three children."
"Clearly you are NTA."
"Continue taking care of you and yours."
"You're doing great." ~ Extension-Report-491
"Obviously NTA."
"Not in any way your problem, nor your responsibility."
"Your parent's inability to raise a functional human does not mean you have to step in at this point."
"She goes to her fathers, grows up, or goes homeless."
"Three options for her." ~ BulbasaurRanch
"NTA. You have your own family and, in any case, aren't responsible for your adult sister."
"I thought this was going to be about taking in a disabled sister."
"I suggest that sister learn to drive and start applying for jobs."
"If she has a college degree, there will be other options, but right now, without job history, call centers, retail, fast food are options." ~ Clean_Factor9673
"Hmmm, I wonder if she is as physically and mentally healthy as you think she is."
"So NTA, you don't have to be responsible for a capable adult, and good for you for shutting that down with your father."
"That can be the end of it."
"However, if you are so inclined you can communicate with your sister using the health scare as an opening."
"Ask her how she coped while your mother was in the hospital and that your father wondered what her plans are after the mom passes."
"See what crawls out from under that rock." ~ Firm-Molasses-4913
"NTA... she's not your child, she's his child."
"You have your own to take care of and you're probably busy enough taking care of them not even to mention taking on full-time care for a grown adult who should be able to take care of themselves." ~ cherryxxbombxx
"NTA all day long."
"I'll tell you what is cruel."
"Your parents allowing this situation to develop in the first place." ~ Dear_Excitement_7845
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You have already gone above and beyond for your family.
Your sister needs help, starting with therapy, but she needs to find it for herself.
We hope she finds the help and resources she needs.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp