Taking care of family can be a full-time job.
But family is family, right?
Sometimes that care can get in the way of the health of one’s own life.
That’s why people have boundaries.
And those boundaries are tested often.
Redditor Lazydaisy25 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA For refusing to take care of my sister when our mother passes?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My father expects me to move my sister in and take care of her like a child or something.”
“My sister (37) is more than capable of getting a job and becoming an adult but everyone always allowed her to get away with being childish.”
“She is healthy and mentally all there (just never had a job or license) she lives with our mother, whose health is no longer great.”
“I’m 39 and have 3 kids and work 60+ hrs a week.”
“I have no plans or interest in raising or taking care of anyone else.”
“I already take our mother and take her to doctors, and other appointments.”
“I bring her meals and make sure she is taking her meds.”
“Recently my father asked what I was going to do about my sister when our mother passes.”
“She had a bad health scare and was in the hospital for weeks.”
“He knew I was bringing groceries to my sister and making sure bills were paid while she was in the hospital.”
“I told him she can live on the streets.”
“He got upset and said I can’t do that to her.”
“I told him I have no plans on taking care of any more people.”
“I did that since I was a child.”
“Our mother has mental health issues, and her father, our grandfather, lived with us, and I took care of him.”
“Cooking meals, cleaning his room, and doing his laundry.”
“I told him if he didn’t want her to be homeless, then he could move her in.”
“His wife won’t allow that.”
“He thinks I’m being unreasonable and cruel.”
“I told him I don’t think she is my problem.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“But am I the a**hole for feeling that way?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Your father has plenty of time to arrange an apartment for your sister that he can pay for if he and your mother have enabled her entire life.”
“Alternatively, he can research the social services she may receive like SNAP benefits, Medicaid, and Section 8, and get her wait-listed for public housing if he’s worried about how and where she’ll live if your mother’s health continues to deteriorate.” ~ Peony-Pony
“It’s time to limit contact.”
“It sounds like you’ve spent your entire life being forced to take care of people without any say in the matter (not talking about your own family, of course).”
“It’s long past time for you to start taking care of yourself.”
“I do not think you should be involved in anything that relates to the care of your sister.” ~ Straight_Bother_7786
“NTA. I Agree if he keeps taking such good care of the sister whenever the mom is ill, she will also assume that going to be the arrangement moving forward.”
“Tell your sister directly she should start getting her ducks in a row.”
“She can grocery shop and set reminders for bills herself.”
“You’re not actually helping her by doing it for her.”
“You’re also contributing to her babying.” ~ Abject_Director7626
“NTA – Please stand your ground. ‘Dad, whatever happens to my sister, your adult child… is on you, I paid my dues.'”
“‘She’s your problem, so you help her figure it out.'”
“‘She is absolutely not moving in with me and as of X date, I’m no longer going to be paying any bills for her.'”
“‘Nothing against her, but her life is not my responsibility.'” ~ catinnameonly
“Clearest NTA I’ve ever seen on here.”
“She’s an able-bodied 37-year-old who has never worked.”
“Tough love is going to have to come for her.”
“It’s a shame it’s come so late.”
“She can get a job and feed herself.”
“Not your problem.” ~ Thedudeabides470
“She is 37. You are 39.”
“The idea that you are at fault for her situation, is an illusion, likely created by your parent’s constant parentification and guilt-tripping of you.”
“If there’s anyone whose fault this is, you are not that person.”
“If there’s anyone who should be solving this problem at their own expense, you are also not that person.” ~ Reasonable-Sale8611
“NTA. Why should you baby your sister more?”
“It is too much already, I think, that you bring her food and pay her bills.”
“She should learn to do these things by herself if she is able to.”
“Not your responsibility that your family babyed your sister to this amount.” ~ Trevena_Ice
“If she is truly a physically and mentally healthy 37-year-old old as you say, then I don’t even understand why this is a question.”
“Why should it be your responsibility to take care of a perfectly capable adult?”
“If the story really is as you’re telling it, then obviously NTA.” ~ JohnTeaGuy
“Exactly. OP is enabling the sister as much as their parents are… I wonder if there is a hidden reason for it.”
“‘Bringing food for mum” means actually ‘bringing food for both of them.'”
“Grocery shopping for the sister, reminding her to pay bills… OP is treating her as a minor.”
“Which is probably very convenient, as she is living with mum and taking the brunt of her care.”
“OP says mum has a mental health problem, and now her health has turned worse; she might have needed more care than OP recognizes/admits.”
“I mean… has the sister been allowed to be childish, or has she been treated as the de-facto carer for mum, which has meant she couldn’t get a job?”
“Did she want to get a license but was discouraged… because it would give her the ability to get some freedom?”
“OP, YTA for that.”
“I understand you don’t want to look after your sister forever, but start acting now.”
“Talk to her, explain the situation, let her behave as the adult she is.”
“Help her now if she needs it before she finds herself in the streets.”
“I might well be mistaken, but to me, it sounds as if having your sister looking after your mum is very convenient for you (she’s a free carer, after all), but you are planning on letting her on her own as soon as she’s not useful.” ~ Agostointhesun
OP responded…
“I don’t bring food.”
“Mom comes over, and I try to make extra healthy meals so she can take a portion home.”
“Her diabetes was out of control, and she was on the verge of having her foot amputated.”
“Which is only two times a week.”
“Sister will not eat anything I cook.”
“She only eats s*it.”
“Which I guess is putting her in bad health as well now.”
“I haven’t seen her or spoken to my sister in 3 years.”
“And that time she only came out to talk to me because our mom was in the hospital having heart surgery.”
“No, she never wanted to drive.”
“I tried to get her to let me teach her, and she refused.”
“Father tried as well, and she again refused.”
“Unfortunately, my mother allowed it to go on so long because that way she wouldn’t end up alone.”
“My sister does her laundry while mom goes back to work since she doesn’t make enough on Supplemental Security Income to take care of them both.”
“From what my mother has said, my sister sleeps most days and only gets up to play video games and draw.”
“She has no friends.”
“You say one wrong word to her, and she’ll never speak to you again.”
Reddit continued…
“If this is how it goes, I was mistaken, and you are NTA.”
“At all. Anyway, you should talk to her and explain you will NOT be taking care of her.”
“Then she can start planning what to do.”
“And if she decides not to talk to you ever again, well, problem solved.” ~ Agostointhesun
“OP, you were a parentified child.”
“Your sister has never been your responsibility.”
“You’re not abandoning her. She’s a grown-a** healthy adult.”
“You have more than enough on your plate with having three children.”
“Clearly you are NTA.”
“Continue taking care of you and yours.”
“You’re doing great.” ~ Extension-Report-491
“Obviously NTA.”
“Not in any way your problem, nor your responsibility.”
“Your parent’s inability to raise a functional human does not mean you have to step in at this point.”
“She goes to her fathers, grows up, or goes homeless.”
“Three options for her.” ~ BulbasaurRanch
“NTA. You have your own family and, in any case, aren’t responsible for your adult sister.”
“I thought this was going to be about taking in a disabled sister.”
“I suggest that sister learn to drive and start applying for jobs.”
“If she has a college degree, there will be other options, but right now, without job history, call centers, retail, fast food are options.” ~ Clean_Factor9673
“Hmmm, I wonder if she is as physically and mentally healthy as you think she is.”
“So NTA, you don’t have to be responsible for a capable adult, and good for you for shutting that down with your father.”
“That can be the end of it.”
“However, if you are so inclined you can communicate with your sister using the health scare as an opening.”
“Ask her how she coped while your mother was in the hospital and that your father wondered what her plans are after the mom passes.”
“See what crawls out from under that rock.” ~ Firm-Molasses-4913
“NTA… she’s not your child, she’s his child.”
“You have your own to take care of and you’re probably busy enough taking care of them not even to mention taking on full-time care for a grown adult who should be able to take care of themselves.” ~ cherryxxbombxx
“NTA all day long.”
“I’ll tell you what is cruel.”
“Your parents allowing this situation to develop in the first place.” ~ Dear_Excitement_7845
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You have already gone above and beyond for your family.
Your sister needs help, starting with therapy, but she needs to find it for herself.
We hope she finds the help and resources she needs.