It’s 2024. Can we just agree that a woman can be a woman without wanting to have children?
That seems to be an understood concept by many, but there always seem to be family members who urge their female family members to have children or to care for children, simply because they are a woman, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Either_Club4020 was successful and decidedly child-free. She was also really ready for a vacation and was excited to spend time with her family.
But when her sister-in-law (SIL) kept pressuring her to help with her six kids, since they were two women of a similar age, the Original Poster (OP) was frustrated by the insinuation.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to help my sister-in-law (SIL) with her kids while on vacation?”
The OP wasn’t interested in having or interacting with children.
“For the record, I know my brother is an a**hole. Now I need to know if my sister-in-law and I are.”
“I (23 Female) am a child-free ER nurse. I don’t like kids, even if they’re related to me. My boyfriend feels the same way.”
“I’ve always had the stance to friends and family that I will never babysit ever. It’s never been an issue until now.”
The OP’s stance was accepted until a recent family vacation.
“My parents rented a cabin this past weekend. The family hasn’t gotten together in a long time, and since it was our mom’s birthday wish we took a vacation.”
“In attendance were our parents, my three older brothers, my brother David’s wife (25 Female), and their six combined kids. She had four by the time she was 22, all of whom are children from her first marriage to her late husband, and the other two are hers and David’s, including a four-week-old baby.”
“She and David have the agreement that he will pay all the bills and she will do all of the childcare. He does absolutely nothing for his kids, except playing ball with her oldest in the yard sometimes.”
“I think she’s dumb for agreeing to this one-sided arrangement, but she’s been a SAHM (Stay-at-Home Mom) her entire adult life and has no earning potential, so I guess that’s why she agreed to it.”
“On the trip, for some reason, my SIL had it in her head that because I’m a woman close in age, that I would help her with her kids the whole time so she could take a break. She kept trying to hand me her baby or would ask me to do stuff for her kids.”
The OP’s SIL was furious with her for not taking care of her kids for her.
“Every time I would say no and would tell her to ask her husband.”
“I only went on this trip to spend time with my family who I rarely see. My parents live three states away and I rarely get to see them.”
“By the end of the trip, my SIL would alternate between constantly crying to making rude, snippy comments at me.”
“I feel like it’s completely undeserved. I didn’t marry her or get her pregnant. And she isn’t even related to me. I have no clue why she was mad at me and not my brother.”
“He was kind of clear about him being an a**hole before she even married him. He told her that he wouldn’t change a single diaper, but she decided he would be the man to give her babies number five and six.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was there to enjoy her vacation, not provide childcare.
“NTA. Not your kids, not your problem.”
“We have three young kids, and my extended family is usually more than willing to help watch them when we’re together. That doesn’t mean that I’m expecting them to, however!”
“Our kids want to go in the pool? We’re there watching. Our kids want food/drink? Come to us, not your aunt/uncle. We’re the parent, not them.” – here-for-the___
“NTA. Those aren’t your kids, and your brother knows your stance on this. It sounds like he needs to have a serious talk with his wife about their choices and responsibilities. You’re not obligated to take on that burden!”
“Your brother may need to grow up a bit too. No woman can take care of six (SIX!) children by herself, especially if one of them is a baby.”
“They should have talked about this before they decided to go up to the cabin. Regardless, those are his kids too. Step up!” – HarryLiny
“NTA. Not your kids. They choose to have them and your brother knows where you stand. Sounds like your brother needs to have a conversation with his wife.”
“You’re definitely NTA. It’s not your responsibility to care for kids that aren’t yours, especially when your brother already knows your stance on the matter. If anyone needs to work this out, it’s your brother and his wife. They should have that conversation between themselves, not push their expectations onto you.” – PacoDahTaco69
“It’s not fair for them to expect you to step in just because you’re family. Your brother and SIL need to figure out their parenting dynamic instead of relying on you. You’re entitled to enjoy your vacation without the added stress of babysitting.” – lunalieee
“You’re not the AH. It’s unfair for her to assume you’d help out just because you’re a woman. Stick to your boundaries and focus on enjoying your time with your family.” – SouthKaren
“I feel sorry for your SIL, but that’s between her and your AH brother. Who agrees to some one-sided arrangement like they have regarding childcare/housework vs bills?”
“You were on vacation, and you went to relax and visit with your family, not so SIL could have a break. That’s harsh but truthful.”
“It’s not up to you to help her. In fact, I am surprised she even agreed to go just four weeks after giving birth. I was still having trouble sitting without my donut pillow and getting around in general. She probably only agreed to come because she expected she’d get some rest with all his family around.”
“NTA.” – Live_Western_1389
Others agreed and pointed out that the sister-in-law didn’t have much room to complain.
“NTA. Tell your SIL that you are both on vacation. The difference is that one of you has kids and the other does not. I could see you lending a hand occasionally if she were a single parent. But the fact the kids have both parents there but only one is doing actual parenting is wild.”
“She can be mad all she wants but it’s not your responsibility to step up if your brother refuses to do his part. What would happen if one kid gets hurt and has to go to the ER? Does she have to bring them all with her? She needs to reevaluate her relationship and not be bitter towards you for something you have no part in.” – shadyzeta579
“NTA. Why would any woman marry someone like this and have MORE children?!”
“Here are the consequences of your actions… He told her who he was, she didn’t believe him… Unfortunately, the children will pay the price.”
“Time for her to give up the pipe dream, get some job skills, hire a babysitter, and move on with her life.” – MNConcerto
“My wife and I both come from families with more than two kids. We love our kids, taking nightly bedtime stories, constant trips and activities, etc.”
“We both saw less active parenting from our parents after child number two. We both decided only two and we are so happy with our situation. We have family members with more than two and they struggle for everything, including groceries, extracurriculars, and vacations/trips.”
“Just doesn’t look like a fun life. I get the draw of big families as I have around 30 cousins, but with this economy and time required for everything nowadays, it’s just not smart.” – bigspikes08
“OP’s brother told SIL he would not parent the kids. Not at all. She agreed to that. She already had kids so she knew what was involved in parenting children. She chose to be married to and have more kids with a man like this.”
“It’s like a man marrying a woman who has said I will not ever cook so don’t even ask and then being mad that they are having to deal with cooking for himself and then kids when they come along.”
“If that is what you agreed to, don’t b***h about it later. And don’t expect others to step in and help when your significant other is doing exactly what they said they would or would not do.” – CommunicationGlad299
“The wife needs a spine to have a conversation with her husband. You do not go on vacation expecting others to help but it sounds like the sil gets NO time to herself due to the husband. NONE of which is OP’s problem.” – Ok_Ring_3261
“NTA. The SIL wants someone to blame and to project her internalized misogynistic beliefs onto OP, like, ‘You are a woman too; women should help (another woman or childcare).’ The double standard applied to you and your brother is disgusting.” – no_more_cat_2024
“NTA. How did your parents react?”
“I would make it clear that you will not be vacationing with your SIL and her kids anymore. Separate vacations with your parents that your brother only can drop in on. I agree he is a jerk, but he was honest with his wife before the wedding.”
“My grandmother told me once, ‘Men marry a woman thinking she will never change, women marry a man thinking he will change after marriage. Both are mistaken.'” – Liu1845
The subReddit completely understood the OP’s frustrations with being pressured to care for six children who were not hers during a family vacation just so her sister-in-law could take a break.
It might be one thing if the two women had discussed their expectations beforehand or if the OP had offered to help out and then retracted the offer, but pressuring and shaming a woman to help, just because she was a woman, was not a good look.