“AITA for being truthful with my friends, when telling them I won’t go on a weekend away because I don’t want to talk about marriage / babies for three days?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (27 F[female]) have a group of female friends (8 of us); we have been friends for over a decade, since school.”
“Now we don’t live in the same place, we meet up a couple of times a year for a weekend in an Airbnb. This use to be a weekend of good food, drinks, hot tub etc.”
“I am content with my life at the moment, I am single, dating and I don’t know if I would like children – but in the event I did I know I wouldn’t want one soon.”
“Around 5 of my friends are either married or in very long term relationships, of these 5 two either have a baby or are pregnant. I will be seeing all of my friends this year for various wedding/friend / baby events.”
“I have been invited on this years girls trip, I have said I can’t come. I didn’t originally provide a reason.”
The OP eventually had to confront the situation.
“When queried in person by my friend, who is pregnant – I told her the truth. I am not going because it’s a massive financial expense, for three days where we only talk about people’s upcoming engagements/weddings / babies.”
“I have a lot going on, but I feel a lot of my friends do not show an interest unless I talk about some one I’m dating. I also last time, listened to one of my friends talk about her breastfeeding plans, with vengeance, for over an hour.”
“She is not pregnant or trying. Truthfully it’s boring, and it feels dismissive.”
“It’s also a really expensive way to feel bad about myself.”
The OP continued:
“I made clear when telling my friend this, that I am thrilled for them all living the lives they want, but maybe it’s not the weekend for me at the moment. Meaning it feels like the group has two distinct life stages, I’m in the minority and it focuses on one stage.”
“My friend has since told me, she’s really hurt I am not excited for her, or our other friends. I responded saying, I evidently was (from other actions), but I just didn’t think the trip was for me. I do have numerous other things on, and to fit this in both in the calendar and financially is a struggle.”
“I just want to add for this friend specifically I have gone on three weekends away for her wedding, and I am flying to go her baby shower – all the in the last two years. I have not asked her, nor has she wanted to fly to see me for anything in the last two years.”
“So my query is AITA for being truthful with the reason why I can’t go?”
The OP wrote in an update:
“Thank you all for your responses and comments. Just a few things to note in response to some of the general themes of response.”
“I DO show an interest in their weddings, engagements, babies and baby plans. I am excited for them, I text about it, I ask for updates, I go to AND help plan events for these things. My issue is, three days of talking about this like it’s the only topic of substance is not fun, especially when I don’t feel an interest is reciprocated to me on my life.”
“I have spoken to one of my other friends who was invited on the trip (who is also not at the baby stage of life); she is also not going on the trip and said she is not attending for the same reason.”
“The friend I expressed this to has apologised for her initial reaction and is still trying to convince me to come. I am not going to go, but I hope she at least considers what I have shared.”
“I do have other friends in the city I live in, and they are a joy to be in the company of. Maybe this is because we became friends as adults and have more similar lifestyles, who knows.”
“Finally – some comments about me being jealous, hating myself / my life etc. To confirm, dear strangers on the internet, I am content – thank you for the concern, though.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hol (NTA) here.
“NTA because the real issue here is different from how it seems.”
“On the surface this seems like it’s just about engagements, weddings and babies. You go out of your way to be constantly supportive of them. However they don’t reciprocate that for you. They can’t relate to anything or want to relate to anything outside of their lives.”
“It would sort of be like if you just won an award but all they talked about was the pie they just ate that morning.” – Dependent_Praline_93
“Maybe, I spent 13 weekends last year travelling (including transport and hotels), for this groups ‘big events’ and I am happy for them.”
“That said it’s a massive financial outlay I am expected to attend, and they are not interested in mine. They were all invited to my birthday recently and said they were too busy from work / had plans with partners to come to the city for night. Even though the accommodation was free.” – OP
“No reciprocity in a relationship means it is one way. You are on the losing end. Stop giving to these people who only take and don’t really appear to care about what is going on in your life.” – SheiB123
“NTA after reading this. They didn’t attend your free b-day, which is pretty much the only thing going on for you right now by the sound of it. If they can’t make your FREE birthday you shouldn’t be expected to do their $$$ things.”
“This is a one-way friendship. You should remind them that they never came to your birthday, but you attended all their stuff. Don’t make it about being single next time you talk, make it about the symbolism of ditching your birthday when you are there for their events.” – Big_Button_6770
“They sound, honestly, like really sh**ty friends. They sound like people who only see instances and refuse to look at the bigger picture because if they did that, they’d realise they’ve been jerks to you.”
“Instead they focus on events as singular instances; you attended one event, they unfortunately couldn’t attend on event. 1:0, sometimes things don’t match up.”
“But if they looked at the bigger picture, the ratio would drastically increase to 13:0. Your friendship is one-sided when it comes to engagements and financial contributions (sure, you’re not giving them money Directly, but you’re spending money to give them your time, and they’re not doing that for you).” – Cananyonemoon
“NTA. We all change as we get older. You naturally drift apart from some friends, especially if their lifestyle changes dramatically (think married with children, in particular).”
“I wouldn’t want to spend a lot of money to spend 3 days with a group that had such dis-similar interests. And I don’t think it was wrong to be truthful when your friend asked you why you wouldn’t go.” – Smokin_HOT_Ice
“NTA and what you are experiencing at 27 is what a lot of the rest of us have also experienced. Lives change and all of a sudden, some of our friends don’t have much in common with us anymore.”
“I’ve casually drifted from friends because all they could talk about was diapers or insist on bringing their kid to an outing. That’s just not my thing.” – LowBalance4404
“NTA and unfortunately friendships change – I think being truthful can hurt others but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be said. It’s your truth, and it sounds like you have expensive friends who expect a lot and I’m not sure if you’re actually getting anything back for it.” – Whimpy-Crow
“NTA. You went about this very diplomatically. You’re happy for them, but since you’re not at the same stage, feigning excitement over someone’s breast milk is a bit much. I think she heard what you said but didn’t really listen.” – judithpoint
Overall, Redditors thought the OP had a legitimate reason for withdrawing from the trip and lauded her for being up front about it.
Hopefully the OP and her friends will be able to eventually move on from this and not permanently ruin the friendships they established over ten years ago.