Many of us have gone through a phase in our lives when we didn't care much for the name we were given at birth, but some of us eventually learned to appreciate it.
Perhaps we learned the story behind it or found out how much the name meant to the one or ones who named us.
This, of course, isn't the case for everyone, and many have gone on to change their names to something that makes them happy (and rightfully so).
A woman on Reddit, whose parents proudly named her "Pennsylvania," secretly changed her name five years ago and when she recently told them, they became irate and refused to attend her upcoming wedding, so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor Educational_Team_377 asked:
"AITA for keeping my name change a secret for five years?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So, my (26/F[emale]) parents decided to name my sister and I after American states."
"I have permission to share her name (Arizona) and I was called Pennsylvania at birth."
"Yea, my parents are weird. I guess they thought geographical names were cool but I think there's a huge difference between calling your child Arizona or Dakota or Paris Vs Pennsylvania."
"They're massive republicans and America lovers so maybe they wanted to be patriotic."
So, OP went by a nickname whenever she could.
"For as long as I can remember, everyone has called me Penn or Penny."
"My parents insisted that everyone was to call me by my full name but most people could see how ridiculous my parents are."
"My sister (28/F[emale]) didn't struggle as much with her name since Arizona just sounds better than Pennsylvania, and the Grey's Anatomy character Arizona Robbins made the name seem quite cool as we got older."
But OP had a more difficult time with her name.
"I was mocked and teased as a child in elementary school because of my parent's insistence on my full name."
"They would literally berate my teachers for letting me write 'Penny' on my work/books."
So, she did something about it but didn't tell everyone at first.
"When I was 21, I got my name legally changed to Penelope."
"Most people I had met in college had assumed that I went by Penny as a nickname for Penelope, even my boyfriend's mother called me Penelope because I was too embarrassed to tell her that Penny was short for Pennsylvania."
"I kept it a secret from my parents and close family because I knew my parents would go mental and accuse me of disrespecting their choice."
But the time came when she needed to tell her folks.
"I'm getting married this summer to my lovely boyfriend Tom (31/M[ale]) and as you all know, you have to say your full name in your wedding ceremony when doing your vows."
"I knew I had to fess up about the name change because the alternative would be hoping they kept quiet when they heard me say 'I, Penelope' instead of 'I, Pennsylvania.'"
And the news didn't go over so well.
"I invited them over to my home, and I tried to tell them in a really calm way that I had changed my name, but they freaked out."
"They said that I was disrespectful, I was calling their choice dumb etc."
"They are refusing to attend the wedding now."
OP wonders if the issue is that she waited so long to tell them.
"I know I'm not the AH for changing my name, but my parents are particularly pissed about how I kept it hidden for five years before telling them."
"Most people I know agree with them."
"They think that I should've had the courage to be honest with them years ago so they would've had time to get used to it instead of me dropping the news on them two months before my wedding and causing all this drama."
"A few other family members have dropped out and my poor sister (who is maid of honor) is having a nightmare with this."
"My parents believe they had the right to know much earlier."
"Tldr, parents think I am the AH for keeping this a secret. AITA?"
"Edit: I know I could ask the officiant/priest to say Penny instead of Penelope, but I don't want to hide my real name on my wedding day."
OP has offered the following explanation for why she thinks she might be the a**hole:
"I may be the a**hole because I hid my name change from my parents for five years."
"This is because they believed they had the right to know."
"It's now causing drama surrounding my wedding."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA - how come none of your relatives are appalled that your parents care more about a dumb name than their actual child?" - SkyComplex2625
"NTA. You can change your name if you want, and the name your parents lumbered you with at birth was an excellent reason to do so."
"From what you've written, I suspect your parents would've blown up whatever, and the 5 years is just a pretense to hang their anger on."
"2 months is enough to get used to the idea too."
"As for boycotting the wedding because of it: they need to get over themselves."
"That is a big overreaction to my mind."
"It sounds like your parents need to grow up a bit tbh." - Diligent-Comfort-191
"NTA - If your parents spent 13 years of your school life trying to force everyone to call you 'Pennsylvania,' I suspect they would have spent the past five making you miserable for changing your name."
"Hence, your silence." - snarksallday
"NTA"
"Dear Colorado and Mississippi, I mean mom/ dad. No matter when I told you of my name change, you would have blown up."
"I tried to explain my feelings multiple times over the years and you never cared about MY feelings about MY name."
"If you need someone to stick with a name no matter what, get a dog."
"Until you can sincerely apologize to me for this and everything else you have blown out of proportion through the years, you are uninvited to my wedding, and I plan on having no contact with you."
"Anyone you try to get on your side will also be NC."
"Congratulations on losing a daughter and a son-in-law!" - Trick_Delivery4609
"NTA. Your parents are for naming you Pennsylvania in the first place."
"They are even bigger AHs for refusing to attend your wedding as are anyone else who takes their side." - Outrageous_Shoe_1450
"NTA, this just reminds me of the bit in Family Guy where Meg says that Meg isn't short for Meghan and it cuts away to Peter writing Megatron on her birth certificate…" - TheCosmicUnderground
"NTA."
"I can understand them being upset, but they really should take you hiding the name change as a sign that maybe they need to do some introspection."
"And you made a great choice with Penelope!" - VulgarTurkey
"NTA - as a trans person, I have so much experience with this."
"Your name is not your parent's property, and if you knew they were going to react so badly to it, I don't see any reason why you should have told them sooner." - Chance_Chef_6383
"After naming you a ridiculous name and doubling down on it every chance they got, no matter how it affected you, your parents honestly are giant AH's."
"Of course, you probably do want them at your wedding, though honestly, they don't deserve to be there after disrespecting your choice as an adult to change your name."
"NTA" - SnooDoughnuts4691
"NTA. Although it could be worse."
"You could have been named Bognor Regis. It's a town in England." - AliveAd2219
"Good God... Didn't your parents know that while your mother was pregnant, she was not supposed to smoke, drink, or have a big bowl of crazy for breakfast each morning?"
"NTA." - CalendarDad
"NTA - Like someone who tells their parents their true sexuality years after everyone else, you struggled until you were forced to tell them."
"If ostracizing you makes them feel better, you don't need them."
"And be careful Tom's full name isn't Tomato, and he's been hiding it 😊" - PuzzleheadedRoyal559
"NTA."
"A. You are an adult. You can change your name to HamSprinkle D*ldo if you want to."
"They should be appreciative that you kept any part or derivation of a name that you hated."
"They had decades of forcing you to be called a sh*tty name; you don't have to give them your wedding day, too."
"B. You don't have to tell them anything."
"The way they are reacting right now is EXACTLY why you didn't tell them earlier."
"If they can't hold their stupid thoughts inside at your wedding, are you expected to believe it would have been better at any other point in your life?"
"C. If they want to make the issue about respect, just admit to the fact that you don't respect their decision to name you Pennsylvania and force you to live with it, in spite of repeatedly being told it made you uncomfortable."
"More importantly: They have no respect for you as a person."
"In their minds, your name, your wedding day, and your life aren't about you; they're about them."
"That sucks."
"D. If they don't want to attend the wedding, f**k 'em." - StatusQuoBot
According to her fellow Redditors, it seems OP shouldn't feel bad about changing her name or hiding it from her parents.
We do hope they can work through the issue, though, because it sounds like she really wants them to be a part of her big day.
Best of luck!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp