Disability.
Whether we're born with it, or it comes to us through an accident or just the ravages of time, the truth is that most of us will have some sort of disability at some point in our lives.
Whether that disability is permanent or visible is a matter of chance, but it will happen.
For most of us, we lead with kindness and understanding because of this.
But what happens when you find a loved one's disability inconvenient and so don't invite them to an event?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) No-Magazine8763 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole"(AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA uninviting my mom from my wedding, she kept insisting I invite my sister"
A bit of backstory.
"I'll provide some background detail but will try to keep it short"
"My sister, 'Anna' suffered a TBI (traumatic brain injury) in a car accident."
"She doesn't get a lot of social cues, is slow to respond and sometimes throws tantrums like a moody teen."
"I do love and care about her, but the easiest way to explain it is that she can sometimes act like a child."
"I'm getting married early next year. My wedding day is something I've dreamed about for years."
The problem at hand.
"I'll put it bluntly, I don't want Anna to attend the wedding."
"Mom would be hovering over her (I know this might sound selfish to some, but I just want mom to be there for me for one day), and she might be distracting during the ceremony or reception."
"I suggested we book a room for Anna at a nearby hotel, and if needed, Mom can go check in on her."
"(And I say this because she can stay alone and has stayed alone in the past)"
"Mom said I should be including Anna."
"I tried to explain to her that I just want my perfect day, but she didn't want to hear it."
"We're not having any kids at our wedding under 13, and I made the mistake of bringing that up in front of Mom in relation to Anna and her behavior, which didn't go over well."
"Me and Mom had a major argument, and I uninvited her, saying she should think of me for a second instead of Anna, and if she really feels so strongly, she doesn't have to come at all."
"I'm really hurt because I'd like my own mother to be there for me on my big day, but this is just all blowing up."
"Mom got really upset and called me a selfish brat. A couple of my friends are saying I'm in the wrong here, so I decided to post."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
A little attention.
"NTA You want one day to be special where you are the focus, you feel important and valued by your mother, and where you feel you matter."
"It would not matter if it's your wedding or a regular Sunday. You want to feel 100% seen by your mother. I get it."
"You are not an a**hole to want this."
"However, your sister can't help her situation, and that's what people are focusing on."
"A lot of the responders may never have lived in a family where one member takes the lion's share of the focus."
"What your asking for is one day to be more about you."
"But the problem here is that your mother is not on board."
"She wants your sister included, and whether she comes or not, your mother will never give you the focus you want and desire."
"You will always be second. I'm sorry."
"Maybe it is best if neither comes or if you have your sister and mother there. Just know your mother will ensure your sister's comfort over your celebration." ~ klurtin
"NTA."
"REALLY."
"You deserve to have a day not overshadowed by your sister & behavior. Your mother is choosing her."
"Yes, it's not your sister's fault she has a TBI. No one is saying that."
"Would it make mom rest easier if someone stayed with sister?" ~ Reasonable_Pass_7488
"NTA"
"I am guessing if your sister can't set through a movie without getting up and moving around, then she can't set through a wedding either."
"I get the ceremony is only 30 minutes tops, but honestly wedding can be longer."
"And sometimes do not start when they are supposed to. Plus, waiting on pictures to be taken and other logistics could cause a meltdown for your sister."
"You say your sister throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way."
"I have a feeling in this situation, there will be a tantrum."
"She is going to have to set still. Not move when she wants. Not do what she wants plus add the overall stress. This could end badly."
"It's not selfish to want your parents' attention for one day. To be fussed over."
"To have special moments with your mom and dad. I think every child wants this"
"I don't know how long ago your sister's accident was, but it sounds like your mom has to focus all her attention on your sister."
"That you don't get the one on one time with her like you want."
"It's ultimately your wedding. You able to invite who you want."
"But I think you have bigger issues then the wedding."
"For substance, you need to ask your parents what their plans for your sister are when they can no longer care for her."
"My guess is it's you. By not inviting your sister, your mom is worried you will not be willing."
"If you do not that's your choice, but you need to make it known now so they can start to search for alternative plans." ~ gramsknows
Not everyone agreed with OP.
"I'm pretty strongly disagreeing with you on this; to a full OP is YTA based solely on her comments."
"This isn't a matter of one kid growing up ignored by a special needs sibling."
"OP in a comment that the crash happened in 2021. Op was 26, sister was 24. Both fully grown adults."
"OP has only been a lesser focus for two years, while her sister has been dealing with the immediate aftermath of a life-changing injury."
"Two years is still coping time for this, not permanently settled. I think OP is being incredibly unfair here."
"The behavior by her sister that she described in the comments also doesn't seem particularly extreme or interruptive. Just a slightly lower emotional control."
"It really just feels like YTA territory."
"Edit:"
"Oh right, and OP has been having her sister make decorations to a wedding she isn't invited to to make her feel 'included.'"
"Can't forget that. Good enough for free labor, but not to attend. Lovely behavior."
"Edit edit: please read op's comments."
"In short: sister was and is still very pretty."
"Op would have asked her to dress down and not interact with people pre-crash, feels she can't ask this post-crash, so not inviting is better than having her sister look nice at the wedding."
"If sister went, then she'd be in the wedding photos, and OP doesn't want that."
"Fiance's cousin dated sister. They broke up after the crash. It would be 'awkward,' better to not invite sister."
"Honestly, this feels like OP doesn't want her sister there because her sister is attractive, and the TBI is an excuse to exclude her. Solidly YTA op." ~ Beanisbae
Entitled.
"YTA is my vote also, your entire family experienced a traumatic event and now your sister and mom have to live this hell everyday without choice but u think they should put their lives on pause literally for ur 'special day'".
"if u truly cared about your family, especially your mom, you wouldnt make excuses to exclude them u would find every possible way to INCLUDE them...what OP is experiencing is entitlement" ~ wellwhydidntyousayso
A complicated issue.
"I agree with most of the thoughts in this comment, but I think it's kind of a tough call."
"I think gentle YTA on the assumption that your sister is aware/understanding of what's going on as you weren't totally clear how mentally disabled she is now."
"Whenever your sister had her accident, life changed for her, for your mom, for you."
"The problem is that your family and the outside world don't usually see you as someone whose life has also changed."
"Your mother is understandably focused on your sister because this is almost harder than if your sister died because your mom is grieving not only all of the potential your sister had but also the PERSON your sister was before the accident."
"It's like she died and now a stranger is in her place. The things your mom pictured for her as she grew up - that's possibly all gone/changed."
"And can you imagine being your sister?"
"You KNOW you aren't the same, but you can't change it. You can't help it."
"Your family and everyone treats you differently and gets frustrated with you, but you CAN'T make it better."
"Then we come to you - and you want the wedding you felt you would have had and the mom you had before the accident."
"The problem is that your expectations exceed what is possible from your sister and your mom."
"If your mom were to leave your sister with a carer or friend/family - how will your sister feel?"
"That you and your family do not love her this way and that you are embarrassed of her this way."
"Your mom wants a family - she doesn't want your sister excluded."
"I'm sure it hurts both your sister and your mom that your idea of a perfect wedding is without your sister."
"I get it - short tempers/bratty behavior sucks, but she is your sister."
"Even changed, even difficult to deal with."
"You have the right to choose how your wedding goes, but you should think about the lifetime that one day - will you be okay with the fallout?" ~ blackcrowblue
The judgment here came down to NTA, but I'm not so sure I agree with that one.
Do you?
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.