Whether we’re born with it, or it comes to us through an accident or just the ravages of time, the truth is that most of us will have some sort of disability at some point in our lives.
Whether that disability is permanent or visible is a matter of chance, but it will happen.
For most of us, we lead with kindness and understanding because of this.
But what happens when you find a loved one’s disability inconvenient and so don’t invite them to an event?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) No-Magazine8763 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole”(AITA) subReddit for judgment.
“AITA uninviting my mom from my wedding, she kept insisting I invite my sister”
A bit of backstory.
“I’ll provide some background detail but will try to keep it short”
“My sister, ‘Anna’ suffered a TBI (traumatic brain injury) in a car accident.”
“She doesn’t get a lot of social cues, is slow to respond and sometimes throws tantrums like a moody teen.”
“I do love and care about her, but the easiest way to explain it is that she can sometimes act like a child.”
“I’m getting married early next year. My wedding day is something I’ve dreamed about for years.”
The problem at hand.
“I’ll put it bluntly, I don’t want Anna to attend the wedding.”
“Mom would be hovering over her (I know this might sound selfish to some, but I just want mom to be there for me for one day), and she might be distracting during the ceremony or reception.”
“I suggested we book a room for Anna at a nearby hotel, and if needed, Mom can go check in on her.”
“(And I say this because she can stay alone and has stayed alone in the past)”
“Mom said I should be including Anna.”
“I tried to explain to her that I just want my perfect day, but she didn’t want to hear it.”
“We’re not having any kids at our wedding under 13, and I made the mistake of bringing that up in front of Mom in relation to Anna and her behavior, which didn’t go over well.”
“Me and Mom had a major argument, and I uninvited her, saying she should think of me for a second instead of Anna, and if she really feels so strongly, she doesn’t have to come at all.”
“I’m really hurt because I’d like my own mother to be there for me on my big day, but this is just all blowing up.”
“Mom got really upset and called me a selfish brat. A couple of my friends are saying I’m in the wrong here, so I decided to post.”
OP was left to wonder,
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
A little attention.
“NTA You want one day to be special where you are the focus, you feel important and valued by your mother, and where you feel you matter.”
“It would not matter if it’s your wedding or a regular Sunday. You want to feel 100% seen by your mother. I get it.”
“You are not an a**hole to want this.”
“However, your sister can’t help her situation, and that’s what people are focusing on.”
“A lot of the responders may never have lived in a family where one member takes the lion’s share of the focus.”
“What your asking for is one day to be more about you.”
“But the problem here is that your mother is not on board.”
“She wants your sister included, and whether she comes or not, your mother will never give you the focus you want and desire.”
“You will always be second. I’m sorry.”
“Maybe it is best if neither comes or if you have your sister and mother there. Just know your mother will ensure your sister’s comfort over your celebration.” ~ klurtin
“You deserve to have a day not overshadowed by your sister & behavior. Your mother is choosing her.”
“Yes, it’s not your sister’s fault she has a TBI. No one is saying that.”
“Would it make mom rest easier if someone stayed with sister?” ~ Reasonable_Pass_7488
“I am guessing if your sister can’t set through a movie without getting up and moving around, then she can’t set through a wedding either.”
“I get the ceremony is only 30 minutes tops, but honestly wedding can be longer.”
“And sometimes do not start when they are supposed to. Plus, waiting on pictures to be taken and other logistics could cause a meltdown for your sister.”
“You say your sister throws tantrums when she doesn’t get her way.”
“I have a feeling in this situation, there will be a tantrum.”
“She is going to have to set still. Not move when she wants. Not do what she wants plus add the overall stress. This could end badly.”
“It’s not selfish to want your parents’ attention for one day. To be fussed over.”
“To have special moments with your mom and dad. I think every child wants this”
“I don’t know how long ago your sister’s accident was, but it sounds like your mom has to focus all her attention on your sister.”
“That you don’t get the one on one time with her like you want.”
“It’s ultimately your wedding. You able to invite who you want.”
“But I think you have bigger issues then the wedding.”
“For substance, you need to ask your parents what their plans for your sister are when they can no longer care for her.”
“My guess is it’s you. By not inviting your sister, your mom is worried you will not be willing.”
“If you do not that’s your choice, but you need to make it known now so they can start to search for alternative plans.” ~ gramsknows
Not everyone agreed with OP.
“I’m pretty strongly disagreeing with you on this; to a full OP is YTA based solely on her comments.”
“This isn’t a matter of one kid growing up ignored by a special needs sibling.”
“OP in a comment that the crash happened in 2021. Op was 26, sister was 24. Both fully grown adults.”
“OP has only been a lesser focus for two years, while her sister has been dealing with the immediate aftermath of a life-changing injury.”
“Two years is still coping time for this, not permanently settled. I think OP is being incredibly unfair here.”
“The behavior by her sister that she described in the comments also doesn’t seem particularly extreme or interruptive. Just a slightly lower emotional control.”
“It really just feels like YTA territory.”
“Oh right, and OP has been having her sister make decorations to a wedding she isn’t invited to to make her feel ‘included.'”
“Can’t forget that. Good enough for free labor, but not to attend. Lovely behavior.”
“Edit edit: please read op’s comments.”
“In short: sister was and is still very pretty.”
“Op would have asked her to dress down and not interact with people pre-crash, feels she can’t ask this post-crash, so not inviting is better than having her sister look nice at the wedding.”
“If sister went, then she’d be in the wedding photos, and OP doesn’t want that.”
“Fiance’s cousin dated sister. They broke up after the crash. It would be ‘awkward,’ better to not invite sister.”
“Honestly, this feels like OP doesn’t want her sister there because her sister is attractive, and the TBI is an excuse to exclude her. Solidly YTA op.” ~ Beanisbae
“YTA is my vote also, your entire family experienced a traumatic event and now your sister and mom have to live this hell everyday without choice but u think they should put their lives on pause literally for ur ‘special day'”.
“if u truly cared about your family, especially your mom, you wouldnt make excuses to exclude them u would find every possible way to INCLUDE them…what OP is experiencing is entitlement” ~ wellwhydidntyousayso
A complicated issue.
“I agree with most of the thoughts in this comment, but I think it’s kind of a tough call.”
“I think gentle YTA on the assumption that your sister is aware/understanding of what’s going on as you weren’t totally clear how mentally disabled she is now.”
“Whenever your sister had her accident, life changed for her, for your mom, for you.”
“The problem is that your family and the outside world don’t usually see you as someone whose life has also changed.”
“Your mother is understandably focused on your sister because this is almost harder than if your sister died because your mom is grieving not only all of the potential your sister had but also the PERSON your sister was before the accident.”
“It’s like she died and now a stranger is in her place. The things your mom pictured for her as she grew up – that’s possibly all gone/changed.”
“And can you imagine being your sister?”
“You KNOW you aren’t the same, but you can’t change it. You can’t help it.”
“Your family and everyone treats you differently and gets frustrated with you, but you CAN’T make it better.”
“Then we come to you – and you want the wedding you felt you would have had and the mom you had before the accident.”
“The problem is that your expectations exceed what is possible from your sister and your mom.”
“If your mom were to leave your sister with a carer or friend/family – how will your sister feel?”
“That you and your family do not love her this way and that you are embarrassed of her this way.”
“Your mom wants a family – she doesn’t want your sister excluded.”
“I’m sure it hurts both your sister and your mom that your idea of a perfect wedding is without your sister.”
“I get it – short tempers/bratty behavior sucks, but she is your sister.”
“Even changed, even difficult to deal with.”
“You have the right to choose how your wedding goes, but you should think about the lifetime that one day – will you be okay with the fallout?” ~ blackcrowblue
The judgment here came down to NTA, but I’m not so sure I agree with that one.