Forgiveness is a very complicated matter that comes in many forms.
Some people think the best and most effective way to forgive is to simply move on, and make the past water under the bridge, no matter the severity.
Others find the only way to forgive is by letting go and moving on with their own lives.
Then, of course, there are people who find that some things are truly unforgivable.
The brother-in-law (BIL) of Redditor DrinkOk538 caused trouble with his marriage, eventually moving out of his family home.
However, when the original poster (OP)'s BIL begged to move back home after falling upon some bad luck and hard times, his wife refused this request without a second thought.
The OP later shocked her husband, when she told him that she would have done the same thing had she been in his sister-in-law (SIL)'s shoes.
Having some doubts about her behavior, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for Telling My Husband I'd Leave His Brother if I Were My Sister-in-Law?"
The OP explained why she shocked her husband by siding with his SIL:
"My husband's brother went abroad for a job six years ago."
"During the pandemic, his wife discovered that my brother-in-law had been cheating on her with another woman."
"They have a 10-year-old child."
"Since the pandemic, my brother-in-law hasn't returned home."
"I'm not very close to him or his wife, but we get along and have casual conversations from time to time since they've been married, and we've known each other for over 10 years."
"I didn't know about the cheating at first, but last year, during a casual conversation with my sister-in-law, I found out that my brother-in-law had been with this mistress during the pandemic."
"I believe she reached out to me because she was seeking help from my husband."
"My brother-in-law has not been supporting her or their child for years, and she confided that all his support goes to the mistress."
"Now, this is where the juicy details begin."
"My brother-in-law fell ill and can no longer work abroad."
"He wanted to return to his wife's home, which is their conjugal property."
"However, my husband informed me that his wife disagreed with this, which I completely understood."
"My husband and his family were upset with the brother-in-law's wife because they wanted him to live with his family."
"I told my husband, 'No sugarcoating—if I were your brother's wife, I wouldn't accept him either'."
"He got mad at me, saying that what I said was hurtful as a brother."
"I tried to explain that I was just being honest."
"I feel like I might be an a-hole because I didn't read the room, given the brother-in-law's situation."
"However, my point is that they haven't been functioning as a married couple for years."
"He didn't return for years, got a mistress, and now that he's ill, he thinks his wife is still waiting for him."
"For additional context, I hate sugarcoating things, while my husband is super close to his brother and acts like the head of their family, always being protective of them."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for taking the side of her husband's SIL.
Everyone agreed that the OP had every right to share her opinion, with most agreeing that the OP's BIL needed to face the consequences of his actions. Others were surprised and disturbed that the OP's husband wasn't more bothered by his brother's behavior, even wondering what he got up to behind her back.
"NTA."
"Of course she isn't going to welcome him with open arms."
"He hasn't supported his family."
"Why can't his mistress take care of him."- Artistic_Tough5005
"NTA."
"Cheating is cheating."
"Your brother-in-law needs to realize that there are consequences to his actions."
"And your Husband's family are all the a-holes with the brother as the biggest one of course."
"And all YOU did was express what you would do if it happened to you, which considering we are talking about brother in law being absent for months and expecting to be able to come home and act like nothing happened, sounds like your husband and his brother have been spoiled and sheltered by their mom their whole life."- Im_a_tw*t53
"Ask him the right questions 'if i leave the country, live with my lover for years, and after fell ill, would you accept me back, like nothing happened?'"
"'So, do you think cheating it is ok?'"
"NTA."
"P.S.: Keep an eye in your husband. He thinks it is ok cheating."- The_Boss16
"NTA."
"Oh cry me a river."
"Jesus, the guy a dirtbag who left his wife and kid to fend for themselves."
"He can kick rocks, and so can your husband."- Jyslina
"NTA."
"BIL imploded his marriage, and boy thinks he can come back home now because he's sick?"
"Boo frickin Hoo!"
"Someone else can take his philandering ass home."
"Rest of the family needs to leave poor SIL alone—woman has been through enough."-Pretty_Meet_432
"NTA."
"He didn't support her or HIS child for years and expects to be welcomed with open arms?!"
"Tell him to go reach out to the mistress for help."
"Your SIL needs to file for that divorce."- Fit_Profession_1780
"NTA, but why is your husband condoning this behaviour not worrying for you."
"I feel like people throw any sense of morality out of the window when it comes to friends and family doing shady stuff."- Darthkhydaeus
"NTA."
"HR can move in with his parents."
"He legally can't come home anyways."
"He hasn't lived in home for years and has no paper trail showing he's supported the household."
"I would call the police if he showed up."- Far_Nefariousness773
"NTA."
"But seriously, if your husband is acting as 'head' of the family, then he should have shamed his brother's cheating!"
"He should have supported his nephew and SIL."
"His getting mad at you and his actions and his family's actions speak a lot about their upbringing and character."
"If I would have been you, I would have devised a contingency plan and be more cautious."-shizuka_chan11
"NTA."
"And I have grave misgivings about your husband."- AgonistPhD
"NTA."
"He threw away his marriage; he needs to deal with it."
"SIL needs to file for divorce though."- TopAd7154
"NTA."
"To cheat and then abandon her and the child for years and then expect her to welcome him back when he gets ill is not just one slap in the face, but multiple."
"It very selfish, entitled, and cruel of him to do this to her and his child."
"He wants to live in the house he hasn't supported the upkeep of?"
"Is he also expecting her to be his carer?"
"Is he expecting to rely on her finances?"
"Is he expecting her to play stepmother should his affair child visit?"
"If that child does visit, will he continue to favor that child over the other?"
"SIL needs to divorce, sell the house and move on with her life."
"Your husband and his family are arseholes for expecting her to just roll over and accept being used."
"If they want to support your BIL, they can take him in."
"Your SIL is better off leaving a family that is treating her badly."
"You should take note."
"Should you and your husband ever fall out, his family will likely close ranks against you, too."- ghostoftommyknocker
"Lol, so your husband has just realized what would happen if he hypothetically had an affair and abandoned you without support, and it turns out he doesn't like it?"
"NTA, BIL is trying to avoid the consequences of his actions."
"I'd be telling him his mistress can take care of him."- Prestigious-Apple425
"NTA."
"I as your SIL would have served him the divorce papers as soon as I would have found out."
"Living together and having a 10 yo is not a 'mistake'."
"It's a life choice."
"I'd also sue him for child support."
"What a family of a**holes."- FionaFurunkel
"NTA."
"Your BIL might be sick, but that doesn't absolve him from what he has done to his wife and child."-Ok-Complex5075
"NTA."
"And I would ask your husband if he would want his own daughter to take a man back after he abandoned her and their child for YEARS."
"You can love someone and still hold them accountable for their choices."- Cute-Development7287
It's in our second nature to defend and stand up for our family, most of the time.
However, considering the OP's BIL brushed his family aside for another woman, it's very hard to agree he's the one who should be supported in this particular situation.
Even though his reaction to the OP's stance is confusing to the point of unsettling, one at least hopes this experience will scare the OP's husband from ever leaving her for someone else.
At least if he ever wants to set foot in their home, ever again.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.