Forgiveness is a very complicated matter that comes in many forms.
Some people think the best and most effective way to forgive is to simply move on, and make the past water under the bridge, no matter the severity.
Others find the only way to forgive is by letting go and moving on with their own lives.
Then, of course, there are people who find that some things are truly unforgivable.
The brother-in-law (BIL) of Redditor DrinkOk538 caused trouble with his marriage, eventually moving out of his family home.
However, when the original poster (OP)’s BIL begged to move back home after falling upon some bad luck and hard times, his wife refused this request without a second thought.
The OP later shocked her husband, when she told him that she would have done the same thing had she been in his sister-in-law (SIL)’s shoes.
Having some doubts about her behavior, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for Telling My Husband I’d Leave His Brother if I Were My Sister-in-Law?”
The OP explained why she shocked her husband by siding with his SIL:
“My husband’s brother went abroad for a job six years ago.”
“During the pandemic, his wife discovered that my brother-in-law had been cheating on her with another woman.”
“They have a 10-year-old child.”
“Since the pandemic, my brother-in-law hasn’t returned home.”
“I’m not very close to him or his wife, but we get along and have casual conversations from time to time since they’ve been married, and we’ve known each other for over 10 years.”
“I didn’t know about the cheating at first, but last year, during a casual conversation with my sister-in-law, I found out that my brother-in-law had been with this mistress during the pandemic.”
“I believe she reached out to me because she was seeking help from my husband.”
“My brother-in-law has not been supporting her or their child for years, and she confided that all his support goes to the mistress.”
“Now, this is where the juicy details begin.”
“My brother-in-law fell ill and can no longer work abroad.”
“He wanted to return to his wife’s home, which is their conjugal property.”
“However, my husband informed me that his wife disagreed with this, which I completely understood.”
“My husband and his family were upset with the brother-in-law’s wife because they wanted him to live with his family.”
“I told my husband, ‘No sugarcoating—if I were your brother’s wife, I wouldn’t accept him either’.”
“He got mad at me, saying that what I said was hurtful as a brother.”
“I tried to explain that I was just being honest.”
“I feel like I might be an a-hole because I didn’t read the room, given the brother-in-law’s situation.”
“However, my point is that they haven’t been functioning as a married couple for years.”
“He didn’t return for years, got a mistress, and now that he’s ill, he thinks his wife is still waiting for him.”
“For additional context, I hate sugarcoating things, while my husband is super close to his brother and acts like the head of their family, always being protective of them.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for taking the side of her husband’s SIL.
Everyone agreed that the OP had every right to share her opinion, with most agreeing that the OP’s BIL needed to face the consequences of his actions. Others were surprised and disturbed that the OP’s husband wasn’t more bothered by his brother’s behavior, even wondering what he got up to behind her back.
“NTA.”
“Of course she isn’t going to welcome him with open arms.”
“He hasn’t supported his family.”
“Why can’t his mistress take care of him.”- Artistic_Tough5005
“NTA.”
“Cheating is cheating.”
“Your brother-in-law needs to realize that there are consequences to his actions.”
“And your Husband’s family are all the a-holes with the brother as the biggest one of course.”
“And all YOU did was express what you would do if it happened to you, which considering we are talking about brother in law being absent for months and expecting to be able to come home and act like nothing happened, sounds like your husband and his brother have been spoiled and sheltered by their mom their whole life.”- Im_a_tw*t53
“Ask him the right questions ‘if i leave the country, live with my lover for years, and after fell ill, would you accept me back, like nothing happened?'”
“‘So, do you think cheating it is ok?'”
“NTA.”
“P.S.: Keep an eye in your husband. He thinks it is ok cheating.”- The_Boss16
“NTA.”
“Oh cry me a river.”
“Jesus, the guy a dirtbag who left his wife and kid to fend for themselves.”
“He can kick rocks, and so can your husband.”- Jyslina
“NTA.”
“BIL imploded his marriage, and boy thinks he can come back home now because he’s sick?”
“Boo frickin Hoo!”
“Someone else can take his philandering ass home.”
“Rest of the family needs to leave poor SIL alone—woman has been through enough.”-Pretty_Meet_432
“NTA.”
“He didn’t support her or HIS child for years and expects to be welcomed with open arms?!”
“Tell him to go reach out to the mistress for help.”
“Your SIL needs to file for that divorce.”- Fit_Profession_1780
“NTA, but why is your husband condoning this behaviour not worrying for you.”
“I feel like people throw any sense of morality out of the window when it comes to friends and family doing shady stuff.”- Darthkhydaeus
“NTA.”
“HR can move in with his parents.”
“He legally can’t come home anyways.”
“He hasn’t lived in home for years and has no paper trail showing he’s supported the household.”
“I would call the police if he showed up.”- Far_Nefariousness773
“NTA.”
“But seriously, if your husband is acting as ‘head’ of the family, then he should have shamed his brother’s cheating!”
“He should have supported his nephew and SIL.”
“His getting mad at you and his actions and his family’s actions speak a lot about their upbringing and character.”
“If I would have been you, I would have devised a contingency plan and be more cautious.”-shizuka_chan11
“NTA.”
“And I have grave misgivings about your husband.”- AgonistPhD
“NTA.”
“He threw away his marriage; he needs to deal with it.”
“SIL needs to file for divorce though.”- TopAd7154
“NTA.”
“To cheat and then abandon her and the child for years and then expect her to welcome him back when he gets ill is not just one slap in the face, but multiple.”
“It very selfish, entitled, and cruel of him to do this to her and his child.”
“He wants to live in the house he hasn’t supported the upkeep of?”
“Is he also expecting her to be his carer?”
“Is he expecting to rely on her finances?”
“Is he expecting her to play stepmother should his affair child visit?”
“If that child does visit, will he continue to favor that child over the other?”
“SIL needs to divorce, sell the house and move on with her life.”
“Your husband and his family are arseholes for expecting her to just roll over and accept being used.”
“If they want to support your BIL, they can take him in.”
“Your SIL is better off leaving a family that is treating her badly.”
“You should take note.”
“Should you and your husband ever fall out, his family will likely close ranks against you, too.”- ghostoftommyknocker
“Lol, so your husband has just realized what would happen if he hypothetically had an affair and abandoned you without support, and it turns out he doesn’t like it?”
“NTA, BIL is trying to avoid the consequences of his actions.”
“I’d be telling him his mistress can take care of him.”- Prestigious-Apple425
“NTA.”
“I as your SIL would have served him the divorce papers as soon as I would have found out.”
“Living together and having a 10 yo is not a ‘mistake’.”
“It’s a life choice.”
“I‘d also sue him for child support.”
“What a family of a**holes.”- FionaFurunkel
“NTA.”
“Your BIL might be sick, but that doesn’t absolve him from what he has done to his wife and child.”-Ok-Complex5075
“NTA.”
“And I would ask your husband if he would want his own daughter to take a man back after he abandoned her and their child for YEARS.”
“You can love someone and still hold them accountable for their choices.”- Cute-Development7287
It’s in our second nature to defend and stand up for our family, most of the time.
However, considering the OP’s BIL brushed his family aside for another woman, it’s very hard to agree he’s the one who should be supported in this particular situation.
Even though his reaction to the OP’s stance is confusing to the point of unsettling, one at least hopes this experience will scare the OP’s husband from ever leaving her for someone else.
At least if he ever wants to set foot in their home, ever again.