Redditor Ok_Repeat_3939 is in a fortunate financial situation that allows her extra cash flow each month.
Her parents are retirees on a fixed income, and she uses some of her extra cash to support them each month.
Recently the Original Poster (OP) learned how they spent the money she gave them and had to put her foot down.
Worried about her parents welfare, the OP sought out subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
She asked:
"AITA for telling my parents that if they give my brother money I will stop giving them money."
She went on to explain.
"My [female age 32] brother [age 35] is trash. He has multiple baby momma's and is a deadbeat. He also is the apple of my mom's eye. He can do no wrong and is just misunderstood."
"My parents are retired and on a fixed budget. I do well for myself and I help them out. I give them maybe $500 a month to help with groceries and bills."
"Every once in a while I will give them extra for an unexpected expense. No questions asked."
"My mom asked me for $2,000. I sent it to her. Strangely enough I ran into my brother at a family wedding I had been told he could not afford to attend because it was a destination wedding. Weird."
"Funny story he actually missed the wedding because he hooked up with some rando on an excursion and went to their resort. It was our cousin's wedding and my aunt was pissed."
"She had to make special arrangements to get him included on the trip since he only got the money last minute."
"She said my mom shouldn't have given him the money if he wasn't even going to show up."
"Then she shut up after she saw the look on my face."
"I enjoyed the wedding and had a great time. When I got home I went to see my parents. I asked my mom why she had asked for the $2,000. She lied and said something for the house."
"I asked what. She couldn't say. I told her what my aunt said."
"I told her and my father that from now on I wanted receipts for any money I gave them."
"I said I have no problem helping them but I will be d*mned if I work my a** off for her to give my money to my piece of sh*t brother."
"She started crying and my dad said that they weren't children and didn't answer me. I agreed and walked out."
"I didn't talk to them for two months. My aunt called me yesterday and told me that my parents were thinking of going to the food bank since they didn't have any money."
"I said I had given them $2,000 a couple of months ago, and that was more than my family of three spent on food on that time."
"She said I knew d*mn well they had given my money to my brother. I told her that he should probably pay them back then. She said I was being a b*tch."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"OP you're NTA, your parents are. They've created this monster, and now you're supporting him. They're using you as a cash cow."
"Yes it's true they don't answer to you, but if you're footing the bill, then they d*mn well better tell you where the money is going."
"And your aunt calling you a b* is funny. If she cares so much about your parents, she should be footing the bill. Which I highly doubt bc people are always one to talk but never to sign the check."
"Stand your ground and let them suffer a little so they understand. They won't die over eating some food from the food bank for once" - Ok_Will_6310
"NTA"
"If your Mom truly believed she had done no wrong, why did she repeatedly lie to you? She doesn't even have the conviction of purpose to justify her actions."
"She chose to steal from you to support your brother. She can live with that choice and the loss of income from it."
"And if your Aunt is so passionate about your parents' plight, she just hosted a destination wedding for her kids. She can surely support her sister in her hour of need, right?"
"It's what family would do." - Encartrus
"NTA, even parents need tough love."
"You are generous above and beyond. If they need groceries, (if they are willing to talk to you), they can place an order that you can (if you want to anymore) pay for."
"This way, the money goes exactly where you want it to." - demon803
"Its easy for your aunt to call you names and throw you under the bus for not helping your parents out…"
"…but I don't see her stepping up and forking over cash to your parents that 'she knows d*mn well they will give to your brother' either."
"NTA" - zeeelfprince
"NTA. They're on a fixed income, and instead of using an additional supplement wisely, they wasted it on your brother."
"If all it took was two months of no financial support to need a food bank, they should have been more diligent with what they were receiving."
"Your aunt can call you all the names in the book, but her anger is misdirected. She should be mad at her sibling for wasting the support they received."
"Your parents don't answer to you, and you're not responsible for providing a gravy train." - baobab77
"NTA. Money is fungible. Even if the money you give them isn't directly spent on your brother, it still subsidizes him."
"Every $100 of groceries you give them or they buy with your money just frees up $100 of their money to spend on your brother."
"They don't even feel guilty about this as in their eyes you're the bad daughter for not supporting family, and it sounds like nothing you do will ever be enough."
"If anything, your involvement helps them ignore your brother's failings as you pay for the consequences…"
"…maybe a couple of years of no support/contact from you might force them to reconsider how they've treated you both." - No-Table2410
"NTA Your parents are right, they aren't children. They lied to you to get money and then expected more."
"I'm sorry to say this, but it doesn't seem like your parents respect you or care for you outside of being a wallet for them."
"If your parents are on a fixed income, then they need to live within their means."
"Don't give them more money unless you feel it's absolutely necessary, like if you want to help with medical bills." - TheQueenOfDisco
"Honestly, what a painful situation. It's emotional terrorism, almost. Why is your aunt getting in the middle of this when she can give them money?"
"No, they're not children, but if they're going to be the recipient of goodwill money, they definitely owe you some accountability."
"And they're going to a good bank but giving $2k in gifted funds to your bro for a vacation?"
"If you feel these heartstrings pulling you to feel guilt-ridden, buy them groceries. But that still may not help because then it'll free up some of their money to give to bro."
"Have you ever thought to confront your bro about the fact that his loserdom is causing his parents to be at a good bank? Would he even care?"
"NTA, and I'm sorry you're experiencing this." - Spare-Article-396
"'I asked my mom why she had asked for the $2,000. She lied and said something about the house. I asked what. She couldn't say.'"
"This is the part that really gets me. While it is common (expected even) for people to misuse gift money. Your mom should have been honest with you."
"Your brother should have to come to you for the money. They knew you would tell him 'no' and devised for mom to ask…"
"…or possibly, mom contrived the whole thing herself, and brother didn't know it was your money…"
"…(either way, how strange that someone, presumably mom, bragged to your aunt about funding brother's trip. I bet mom and auntie aren't too happy with each other right now.)"
"NTA obviously. That said, it was very gracious of you to supplement your parents' retirement and I hope you forgive them and move on, continuing to be the generous person you are." - Polar777Bear
"NTA. Your dysfunctional parents who can't even manage their own situation propping up your incompetent brother…"
"…is just a messy stew of toxicity, and they want you to bring a spoon to this nasty feast? Oh no."
"That your parents regularly extort money from you because they can't control their own behavior and then balk at you with this 'we're not children' business…"
"…when you ask to see where the money goes, it means pocketbook is now closed. Let them figure it out. 'They aren't children,' but they expect an allowance." - -JTO
This is a tough situation.
Best of luck sticking to your guns, OP.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp