Redditor Squared-Zone1976 is a 30-year-old female who has been dating her 31-year-old boyfriend for six months.
They do not live together. She owns her own place while he rents in a shared apartment.
Feeling entitled to a privilege he thought he had, the boyfriend asked the Redditor for something she was opposed to.
When the standoff led to drama, she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for not letting my boyfriend have a copy of the key to my apartment?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 6 months, We met through a mutual friend and things went from there.”
“we do not live together we do however spend enough time but more outside.
“A week ago, While we were out with friends, My boyfriend asked if I could make a copy of the key to my apartment (context: I own an apartment while he rents with friends) and let him have it, I was puzzled I asked why?”
“He said he might need to stop by alone or with friends when I’m at work or somewhere else. To be honest, I just did not feel like it was a good idea, I asked what business does have in my apartment when I’m out and he took offense to that.”
“Few seconds of awkward silence, then I told him that I don’t feel comfortable having anyone at my apartment unless I’m there, and that he gets to have a copy of the key only if he lives there and that’s it.”
“He got quiet the rest of the evening but after we left he sent a long wall of text basically criticizing what I said to him, and talking about how I don’t trust him, I said that I just didn’t think he should have a copy unless he’s living with me and he took it as in….I was pushing him to move in, but as far as I know he lives with a bunch of guys paying rent so not the best living arrangement and he constantly complains about that.”
“We had an argument and he insisted that I have no trust in him and that I embarrassed him in front of his friends by declinning to let him have a copy of the key. He then hung up and kept sulking, I tried calling him again but one of his friends picked up and got involved saying my boyfriend is rightfully upset with me for not treating him as my partner and showing him the respect he deserves.”
“He said my refusing to give a copy of the key means (1 I don’t trust him or his friends, and, (2 I think that he’s a thief or can’t be trusted with my belongings.”
“It got overwhelming and I started thinking that I flew off the handle and was unfair to him by my flatout refusing and then not explaining my point.”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole in the situation.
“Six months in and you’re seeing manipulative, clingy behavior. He’s not respecting your boundaries. A proper response would have been to accept your answer.”
“Also, getting his friend to answer your call is some disturbingly immature high-school-level nonsense. Get out now. NTA.”
“EDIT: perhaps not clingy, a poor choice of words on my part. More like presumptuous.” – SamW20910
“He’s gaslighting you, OP, AND he’s getting his friends to gaslight you too. That’s way effed up. When I was 19, I foolishly have my bf the key. He moved in while I was at work. My apartment became, essentially, the new party pad and it took another 6 months before I got the courage to kick him out.”
“He gave me back his ‘only’ key, yet somehow my stuff kept being moved out taken while I was out. It was a nightmare until I finally just moved out myself. So not give him a key. If he can’t respect your boundaries, you might rethink the entire relationship. NTA.” – wicked_amb
“NTA. Why would he need to stop by, alone or WITH FRIENDS, if you weren’t there?”
“That’s very sketchy. The fact that he keeps pushing is extra sketchy. Sounds like he wants to use you place as his backup hangout spot since he has a bunch of roommates.” – photosbeersandteach
“Nothing good for OP can happen with him having the keys to hangout there without her. Also that’s not something you ask lightly in front of others at least you want to pressure her to say yes, same by telling the roommates so they can trash her about it too.”
“Also, if he isn’t ready to live together, he can stay in his apartment. More and more reasons to not trust this guy.” – PenelopePinchi
“It shows such sense of entitlement on his part and his friends, imagine if a woman had asked her boyfriend this in front of her girlfriends – how his friends would have then acted, as if she was clingy and trying to take over his place.”
“I find all of this very suspicious, either he’s trying to use OP’s apartment as an escape, in which case he should have asked in private and discussed it OR what I find more likely some of his friends want to use her place for daytime hookups because their own place doesn’t provide much privacy.”
“Worst case scenario they wanted access to OP’s place to either steal something or to install cameras.”
“Not under any circumstances would I be giving anyone access to my place, especially not if they ambushed me like this in front of their friends.”
“This reminds me of other ‘test’ posts on this sub recently of women trying to show off similar power moves by making their boyfriend pay for lunch.”
“This was intended to test boundaries and now when OP established those boundaries we know what kind of a man u/Squared-Zone1976’s soon to be ex boyfriend is.” – Academic_Snow_7680
“He probably asked in front of friends because most people would be put on the spot and would feel awkward saying no in front of others.”
“NTA at all op, it’s one thing to want a key to your partner’s place so you can get in if you need to wait for her but to want to it so you can stop by with friends? Yeah nah…….alone or with friends, it’s your home and no-one should be there alone if you’re not comfortable with them being there alone.” – Yeh_but_nah_but_yeah
“Sorry girl but he’s definitely planning to take advantage of you/your place somehow and he’s manipulating you to think it’s your fault he didn’t get his way. Don’t trust this guy. He doesn’t need a key.”
“It’s also super shady he’s siccing his friends on you over this. Ans his friend is telling you he isn’t getting the respect he deserves? Gag. Get away from all of these people.” – basilobs
“They’re certainly immature if they think getting in the middle of this conflict and berating you will help your boyfriend’s cause.”
“NTA, OP. You are allowed to have boundaries and this guy is trying to trample them.”
“If you’re petty and have money to spare, give him a copy of the key and then get the locks changed. Then get a camera to watch it all unfold. $5 says he shows up with at least 2 other dudes to go sit around and fart on your furniture and eat your food.” – dorothy_zbornak_esq
“You need to run!!! He sounds ridiculous, sulking and bringing friends into your relationship issues at 31… Major yikes. And his friend siding with him is another huge red flag.”
“He has no business with getting a copy of your keys for whatever reason. The fact that he doesn’t understand that this isn’t a reasonable ask is bewildering and very concerning. What other beliefs does he have that are unreasonable? I wouldn’t want to find out.” – ladyjingyi
“It’s your apartment, not a drop in daycare.”
“The whole set up sounds a bit manipulative: asking in front of pals to make it awkward for you, throwing a tantrum and having one of his buds answer his phone to tell you off—what is this, fucking high school?”
“His motivation is suspect, too. Why does he need to bring his bros over when you’re not there? If he doesn’t like his roommates, that’s his problem, and being a brat about it won’t fix anything. NTA.” – FallenInHoops
“you guys have only been dating for six months. that is not long enough to justify giving him a key to your place. the fact that he got that offended by your reasonable answer, is pretty telling.” – L3GI0N__1183
Overall, Redditors were very skeptical about the boyfriend’s intentions, and they saw no good reason why he would want to visit her home alone, or with friends, whenever she is not home.
Redditors also saw red flags in the relationship given his irrational response to the OP telling him she does not feel comfortable honoring his request.