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Woman Rejects Boyfriend’s Proposal So She Doesn’t Lose Health Insurance And Alimony From Ex

Rejected marriage proposal
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Anyone who has spent any amount of time in the United States can attest to how complicated many of the legal aspects of being a citizen, like receiving a paycheck or health insurance, can be.

How many legal processes work can even get in the way of a marriage, even one involving true love, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.

Redditor Throwawayquare20, for example, recently turned down her boyfriend’s marriage proposal, though not for the reasons he might have expected.

But when he found out it was because the Original Poster (OP) was worried about her alimony and health insurance, he was still pretty darn mad.

She asked the sub:

“AITAH for rejecting my boyfriend’s proposal because I’d lose my health insurance and alimony?”

The OP received quite a bit of monetary support when she got divorced.

“I (44 Female) divorced my ex-husband (47 Male) two years ago and have been dating my boyfriend (45 Male) since (no cheating).”

“My ex and I were fighting a lot, but the divorce was less litigious than expected.”

“My ex-husband, James, and I were married for 21 years. In the state of Massachusetts, I as his ex-spouse was able to stay on his group health insurance. In addition, the judge ordered that since I stayed home to raise our four kids (now 21 Male, 19 Female, 18 Male, and 16 Male) that I get alimony for life, or until I (only I, not my ex) remarried.”

The financial situation seemed to make sense for a while.

“In terms of health insurance, I’d lose it if either James or I remarried. However, James has been very open about the fact that he hates the idea of marriage or marrying again even more than he hates me to still be covered under his health insurance policy.”

“His exact words were, ‘Well, luckily for you, it’s not emotionally or financially cost-effective for me to marry just to get you off my health insurance.'”

“For the entire length of our marriage, part of the reason I didn’t work is because my ex is a doctor, and after doing calculations, we realized I’d never make enough to even get close to covering the childcare costs for four kids. I checked and saw that if I had continued my administrative job, I’d be making 17 dollars an hour today. I have no chance of making even that now.”

But the OP’s boyfriend’s love for her complicated things.

“My boyfriend and I are very much in love. In many ways, I wish I’d met him first. He’s empathetic, and unlike my ex, he values work-life balance instead of running between a private practice and the psych ward at a county hospital to work 24 hours a day, seven days a week.”

“However, my boyfriend and I don’t live together and besides small presents to each other, we pay for ourselves.”

“Things were good but my boyfriend changed after I had a pregnancy scare. He said that if I get pregnant again, he wants us to be living under one roof, and not like two divorced parents. So he proposed.”

“I was upset but had to turn it down because love aside, this was my health insurance and only source of income on the line.”

The proposal complicated their relationship.

“I didn’t understand why my boyfriend was so upset and didn’t understand. He is a case manager at a nonprofit and we’d be living on half the income I’m currently living on (if we take out child support) and that is bound to create tension on both sides. Am I so wrong for this?”

“Just want to add, that we cannot move in together, either. The archaic family court laws would see that and assume that my boyfriend and I would be sharing finances or I would be in some way supported by my boyfriend by the fact of us moving in together.”

“If I could move in together with him and not lose my benefits, we’d be doing so.”


Fellow Redditors weighed in:

  • NTA: Not the A**hole
  • YTA: You’re the A**hole
  • ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
  • NAH: No A**holes Here

Some were certain the only AH in this entire scenario was the OP. 

“YTA. SAHP (Stay-At-Home Parent) is a legitimate job for families, and sure you’re entitled to time and compensation to get back on your feet after divorce, but planning to spend the rest of your life draining your ex-husband is entitled and gross.”

“Have some dignity. Use the alimony to give yourself a cushion to build your independence so you’re able to build new relationships without restrictions.” – IvyySteel

“‘Have some dignity’ is the best use of words here, like, seriously, you’re a stay-at-home mom to nearly adult children. That alimony money should absolutely go towards building whatever career that she missed out on getting/enhancing her options for the remainder of her life given that it might be another 40 years.”

“God, some people are so gross and entitled. YTA.” – Lord-Smalldemort

“Not calling you a greedy gold digger… but… yeah. You’re not a SAHM (Stay-At-Home Mom) anymore when your kids are grown, LOL (laughing out loud). Unless you count your 192-month-old… Nah, get a job. YTA.” – AdaDaTigr

“What’s crazy is all her kids likely have a job or are at least in college, and she isn’t or hasn’t done any of that. You wanna call laws archaic? How about the law that allows you to collect money for longer than you raise kids? Laws that you collect more money than even you admitted you could make?” – UnwindingStaircase

“OP wants her cake and to eat it, too… for life. It must be nice. Note to self: don’t get divorced in Massachusetts.” – HouseNumb3rs

“YTA. Hopefully your boyfriend sees this as a red flag and dodges a bullet.” – wrknlrk

“You’re not an a**hole, but let’s summarize your situation.”

“You’ve chosen a check from your ex over the love of your boyfriend. You do you, but your boyfriend is right to be p**sed, and if it were me, I’d leave your a** rather than play the game of ‘How Can I Get the Love of One Man and the Money from Another?’ Game. That’s bulls**t.” – anotherworthlessman

Others didn’t understand why the OP hadn’t even tried to advance her career or prospects.

“Why haven’t you started working even tho you’re getting alimony? You could be working towards more independence but rather be a cake eater in this situation.”

“You’re about to lose this dude as you have shown him which you value more.” – Synn0289

“She has a stable income and insurance; it’s such a blessing to now be able to pursue something you would enjoy doing and that could turn into something lucrative down the road without having to stress about making ends meet in the meantime. I would kill for an opportunity like that. It’s such a gift.” – Local_Persimmon_5563

“Your kids are all old enough not to need a SAHM (Stay-At-Home-Mom). Why not go back to school, get training, get a job? If your ex dies or becomes disabled and unable to pay alimony, you would be screwed as things are.”

“If your boyfriend is employed and has health insurance, when you get married, his health insurance would then be updated to cover you and your kids.” – HarveySnake

“I’m not trying to be a d**k with this question, but what do you do all day? What are your future plans for when kids are out of the house?”

“There’s just way too much instability for my liking in this situation; my anxiety about relying on an unsustainable income would be through the roof, but you are not me.”

“However, I would look for work for yourself or else the burden would fall on your children to take care of you if something happens to your ex. Do you want that?” – entityinyourroom

“OP, it sounds like you and bf need a serious sit-down.”

“Knowing your age and the high costs of every f**king thing, I don’t blame you for not wanting to remarry. That being said. Look around and find something you would enjoy doing.”

“Get a business degree and open a little shop of some sort. Go to culinary school and just learn to be a kick-a** chef/pastry chef. Open a tiny little vanity high tea place open during high tea only.”

“Get a criminal justice degree and work on becoming a PI.”

“The rest of your life will suck if you only have it centered on your kids. Become a new you. Meet new people.”

“Don’t feel forced to remarry. Only when it’s right. No matter how great the guy is, sometimes it’s not a great idea to marry.” – MissMurderpants

But a few empathized with the OP potentially needing the health insurance more than love.

“This is actually the exact reason people on disability can’t get married. If they tie the knot, they lose their income even if the spouse can’t make enough money to support them.” – Hetakuoni

“I’m living with my ‘husband.’ We have two kids and have been together for over a decade. I’d love that piece of paper, but his insurance options would put us into bankruptcy because I have a chronic illness.”

“Very well managed, but through state insurance, I have no copays and most of my prescriptions are covered fully. We are lucky our state does not have common-law marriage.”

“Making the transition from lower class to middle class in the US is a barrier many cannot cross due to losing social benefits like food stamps and health insurance. You can end up more in the hole gainfully employed than not, and this is the f**king travesty that is the US class system.” – Jovet_Hunter

“Yep, it’s why I’ll never marry. I can’t afford it, and I need my health insurance. It sucks.”

“Here in the US, if my boyfriend and I got married, I would lose all my disability and insurance. That’s why we don’t. I have a 14-year-old from a previous marriage, and I don’t feel it’s his responsibility to support him 100%, and child support isn’t enough. Plus, the co-pays and deductibles on all the procedures I have done every year would be astronomical on his insurance.”

“So we sat down and talked about it… Yes, communication! We decided we might get engaged someday just for the commitment aspect but not get married.” – Extension-Ad-8893

While everyone could sympathize with the legal troubles that could get in the way of a marriage, most of the subReddit couldn’t help but question the OP’s motivations, ability to empathize, and work ethic.

Because it did seem that the priority was to stay available specifically to be supported by her ex-husband, who seemed like he was doing nothing but working hard, with no plans for pursuing another relationship.

Written by McKenzie Lynn Tozan

McKenzie Lynn Tozan has been a part of the George Takei family since 2019 when she wrote some of her favorite early pieces: Sesame Street introducing its first character who lived in foster care and Bruce Willis delivering a not-so-Die-Hard opening pitch at a Phillies game. She's gone on to write nearly 3,000 viral and trending stories for George Takei, Comic Sands, Percolately, and ÜberFacts. With an unstoppable love for the written word, she's also an avid reader, poet, and indie novelist.