Facing the prospect of a highly-invasive surgery can be daunting, particularly if you’ll require help from friends or family while you’re recovering.
Add a global pandemic into the mix and things get even trickier.
But if another family member decides to schedule an elective surgery around the same time as yours, is it better to reschedule to keep the peace, or put your foot down?
Redditor hisloyalconcubine recently found herself in this very predicament, so she turned to the subReddit “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) to see if she was in the wrong for her stubbornness.
“AITA for not rescheduling my surgery for a third time?”
The original poster (OP) explained the underlying health issues that caused her to seek surgery.
“So a little TMI backstory: I (F[emale] 29) need to have a hysterectomy due to uncontrollable issues stemming from having my cervix removed due to pre-cancer cells all over it.”
“I’ve been living with a near-constant period for two years, and my doctor is the one who asked me if I wanted to have the surgery.”
“He gave me a couple months to think about it, and I finally decided to bite the bullet since my issues are causing daily problems, including having to miss work because I need to be in the bathroom when I really flair up and can’t even go an hour without soaking through an overnight pad and I rely on the bus to get to work which takes an hour and a half.”
“I have tried different birth controls trying to stop my period, but because I don’t have a cervix it is just impossible to stop bleeding so much.”
But scheduling a time for her surgery proved to be quite difficult.
“The first time it was rescheduled was in December and the hospital shut down for everyone but emergency patients due to [the pandemic] getting really bad in my area. Understandable.”
“The second time was when my parents, who would be babysitting while I’m in the hospital, told me they were uncomfortable with me getting it (early February) due to [the pandemic] and not wanting me to bring it back to them when I get out.”
Her stepsister’s upcoming cosmetic surgery only added another wrench into the works.
“Here’s the issue: my stepsister Melissa (30) is getting practically her whole body plastic-surgeried less than a month after my surgery is scheduled.”
“She scheduled hers after we found out when my surgery would be and expects her mom to take care of her fully (like a baby pretty much with how much work she’s getting done at once).”
“My stepmom fully agreed to it knowing it was less than a month from my surgery and knowing she would have to take care of my daughter and me for a week.”
The OP’s stepmom decided her daughter’s plastic surgery took precedence, which didn’t sit well with the OP.
“Today my stepmom told me she wants me to reschedule again so she can devote her time and energy into preparing for taking care of her daughter. I told her I can’t reschedule anymore because I’m about to lose my job with how much time I’ve had to take off of work due to my issues.”
“I also said if she feels that way, could I at least ask her to watch my daughter when I’m in the hospital and then I’ll figure something out when I get out.”
“She got very offended and said I was being rude and inconsiderate of Melissa because ‘I just want to stop having my period’ which made me upset because we talked through everything for hours when I was originally told the last options were to either live with it or get my surgery.”
“Now my stepmom refuses to talk to me, my dad won’t ‘get in the middle of this’ and I’m left feeling like TA because I refuse to reschedule a surgery that I consider very needed.”
“So Reddit, AITA?”
Redditors weighed in on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
They assured the OP she was NTA—but her parents weren’t quite so lucky.
“NTA. Your surgery is medically needed and you already delayed once for your parents.”
“But your dad is a special form of AH since you are his kid and he is pushing the work of helping you on to your stepmother. She’s a bit of an AH for asking you to delay needed surgery twice.”—PurpleGoatInATutu
“Exactly, it’s not ‘I just want to stop having my period.’ It’s medically debilitating.”
“Dad should be stepping up, instead of trying not to ‘get in the middle of this.’ He could be in charge of care for OP’s 3 y.o. if his wife is busy with her daughter’s cosmetic procedures.”—umamifiend
“NTA, your stepmom on the other hand… Does she not realize that a constant period can kill you?! Jesus..”
“I had a similar problem (constant period) that was so severe that when the hospital staff saw my hemoglobin, they wondered how I was standing.”—Sunnygurrl
“Exactly! Doctors don’t exactly give hysterectomies to 29 year olds just because!”
“OP I am so sorry you are in this situation. I hope everything works out for you!”—Eelpan2
“NTA. I’m so horrified for you. Your medically-required surgery is more important than your stepsister’s Kardashian makeover.”
“You need this surgery. Tell them the doctors fear for your health if you postpone it again.”
“I have endometriosis so I totally get a**holes not taking this stuff seriously. Good luck.”—CinnamonPumpkin13
“Wow your dad is completely spineless. NTA.”—SnooLobsters5452
For some, the stepmom’s timeline doesn’t seem to add up.
“INFO: I’m confused here. Your surgery is about a month before your stepsister’s and you’re only asking for a week of your stepmom’s time.”
“What exactly does she need to ‘prepare’ for that she can’t help you out at the same time?”—Kiieve
“Also the stepmom will have three weeks in between when OP no longer needs help and when the sister starts needing help. Even if it was a valid excuse, that should be plenty of time to prepare.”—silence_of_the_sheep
When Redditors asked the OP if there are any other people in her life who could help take care of her daughter after her surgery, the OP responded there really aren’t.
“Unfortunately, most of my friends and family have moved pretty far away. The only people left that my daughter is comfortable with are my parents.”
With that in mind, a few suggested the OP really drive home the importance of her surgery, not just to her parents but also to her place of work.
“Contact your doctor’s office. Explain that you need written documentation regarding the medical necessity of the surgery and aftercare requirements, so that you can have the necessary time off work and help with childcare after the surgery.”
“Give your SM (stepmom) a copy of that documentation. Tell her you wanted to be clear that the surgery is not elective, but medically required, and the doctor has set specific requirements for help needed after the surgery.”
“If that doesn’t work explain to her that the only person whose opinion counts is the doctor, and he says the surgery is mandatory, ASAP.”—goldengracie
“OP could also try and contact insurance. It might not work that way wherever OP is, but in Germany you can apply for a temporary household helper while recovering when no one else is available.”—Fettnaepfchen
Hopefully the OP can figure out a way to convince her parents she needs their help without having to reschedule yet again.
But if everyone refuses to budge, the OP may find herself making a concession yet again in order to have the support available she’ll need after her surgery.