Maintaining a good relationship with one's roommate can be a very difficult path.
Sometimes, even the slightest thing, like forgetting to clean up after yourself, or taking a little too long in the bathroom can lead to lingering tension.
Redditor meiyoOCE found herself getting on the nerves of her roommate in their shared house, but wasn't afraid to tell him to his face that she thought he was being unreasonable.
But fearing she may not have handled the situation as well as she could have, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), asking fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not being completely quiet after 10pm?"
The OP shared how when she first moved in with her current roommate, the agreed upon conditions of the living arrangement seemed more than manageable.
"I (21 F[emale]) moved into a new share house 5 weeks ago."
"One of my new housemates 'X' (28 M[ale]) asked me to keep it down after 10pm since he wakes up early for work."
"No problem."
"In the first week, he reminded me a few times to be quiet since I was playing (specifically online) games with friends."
"In order to remedy that, I've stopped playing after 10pm and just gotten on a discord call with my boyfriend."
However, the OP eventually discovered that the agreement did put some serious limitations on her social life.
"The problem is that I get home at 7pm, after cooking, showing/washing my hair that gives me about an hour to play games, which means I'm lucky to get 2 games in."
"My boyfriend himself doesn't finish work until 11:30pm every day and my friends don't get home until 10:30-11pm."
"It's been about 4 weeks since I've played with my friends and 2 weeks since I've played with my boyfriend.
While the OP still felt that she was being careful enough, one recent episode ended up putting a serious strain on her relationship with her roommate.
"Last night I walked past his room at 10:45 and he still had his light on so I played 2 games with my boyfriend since he had the day off and was home."
"This morning, X went off at me saying that I'm inconsiderate and I have no respect for him because I'm being too loud."
"I explained that I've already sacrificed my friendships and my hobbies, and I'm not willing to not talk to my boyfriend on call, especially when I'm trying to be as quiet as possible."
"I will admit that I did get slightly angrily and tell him that he's not my parent and he cannot impose a curfew on me with 'consequences' if I don't follow (his words)."
"Important info I don't know how to fit in:"
"He wakes up at 7am, I wake up for work at 7:10am."
"We share a wall."
"I'm never up later than 2am."
"We pay the same rent."
"It wasn't discussed beforehand, any more than 'oh yeah we play games too', or I wouldn't have moved in here."
"Friends and I have conflicting schedules so the only time we can hang out is online at night."
"Boyfriend starts work before I finish and finishes at 11:30 everyday."
"Once again, I've stopped playing games after 10pm and ONLY speak to my boyfriend in below average volume."
"Yes I use headphones, no I can't move to another part of the house."
"I understand where he's coming from but at the same time I'm not going take being called names after sacrificing my hobbies, my friendships and my feelings."
"So AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was generally in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for standing up for herself to her roommate.
Many believed the OP's roommate was being overly sensitive, and the OP was doing nothing wrong by engaging with her friends and calling her boyfriend.
"NTA."
"Unless it's in the lease agreement that you're not allowed to make noise after 10pm, the offended roommate can buy ear plugs."
"You're living in a share house."
"From your comments, you are at normal speaking volume."
"It sounds like the offended roommate is just a very, very light sleeper but isn't making any effort to compromise here."
"I get this from personal experience."
"My oldest son lives with us and loves online gaming with his friends from college."
"His friends are a couple time zones behind us so he's typically up until midnight and 1am."
"He starts work at 8am (work from home)."
"He's usually at a normal speaking volume."
"Sometimes on weekends, he gets loud and yet, we have no problem sleeping with our room right next to his."
"You shouldn't have to sacrifice your friendships or boyfriend just because a roommate can't figure out how to protect himself against a normal speaking voice."- virtualchoirboy.
"NTA Sorry its a share house, not 1 person dictates what everyone else does."
"You can't expect everyone to go radio silent after 10pm. there needs to be some compromise on both ends."- another_complainer.
"NTA they complain your KEYBOARD is too loud??"
"And you are trying to be quiet."
"I don't know what the rest of these people are on but that isn't on you."
"They can get earplugs."
"You've been trying to be as quiet as possible, and you're being restricted to do nothing after 10 pm?"-Fun_Entertainer_31.
"NTA, if you're that hyper sensitive to sound and wake up early for work (7am isn't even that early imo) then buy ear plugs or don't live in a bloody house share, you can't expect everyone to cater to you because you refuse to buy earplugs or sound proof your room."
"If OP was taking the piss and blasting music or having a party I'd understand but she's literally just talking, she should be able to speak after 10pm in a room she is paying rent for."-Alternative-Pea-4434.
"NTA."
"You literally pay just as much rent as he does and as long as you're not having a nightly ho down he just has to suck it up as we've all done in less than harmonious rooming situations."
"It's unreasonable for him to demand that you can't even talk to your boyfriend after 10?"
"In your own room?"
"You're a grown woman."
"I honestly would not continue to enable his controlling behavior any longer unless you're prepared to live like a child for the term of your lease."
"Tell him to take his curfew and shove it."
"You live there."-adarkmagnolia.
"NTA this is very weird I'm wondering if he has some sort of sleeping disorder."
"Games are not loud if you use headphones and don't yell."
"Normal talking should not wake a sleeping person in a different room."
"Only suggestion I can make for YOU would be to put your computer or tv on the not shared wall, and get one of those plush log things people put behind their door to cover the gap between floor and door."
"Tell him that's the best you can do."-Azzulah.
"NTA… you need to leave as soon as possible, your roommates are nasty."
"People telling to compromise are out of their minds."
"You're too old for a bedtime."
"You pay rent."
"It wasn't in your lease."
"The slumlord needs to control his tenant."- Early_Equivalent_549.
"NTA."
"Just keep it down."
"I know gamers can get loud when excited."
"Think about rearranging your room to be further away from the shared wall."
"He needs to deal with his sleeping problem or not live with roommates."-funkyblackshoes.
"NTA, as long as you aren't screaming into the mic, he needs to chill TF out, or get headphones."
"Spoiler alert - if you live in shared housing, you have to deal with roommates."
"General etiquette would suggest that you keep it quiet after 11 to allow him (and yourself) a good nights sleep."-briareus08.
"NTA."
"Part of being roommates is that you have to learn to deal with others and learn how to compromise."
"It seems to me that you've been putting in the effort."
"Now it's time for X to do the same."
"He has to learn that he's not in charge of a shared household and that things aren't always gonna go his way."- PhoenixEcho1.
Others didn't really feel either the OP or her roommate were the a**hole in this particular situation, acknowledging that readers don't know just how loud the OP was being, and her roommate shouldn't be faulted for being sensitive to noise.
"NAH - I'm only saying this because none of us know how loud you're actually being."
"'Quiet hour' isn't 'silent hour'."
"If you're playing games with headphones, speaking quietly, not having outbursts then you're well within your rights in your own home and your housemate needs to get some earplugs or something."
"If you're prone to laughing or occasional louder reactions, then he's got a point."- Aestro17.
"NAH Internal walls don't really stop sound so it is 100% louder then you think."
"Try putting up a cloth wall tapestry as that will help cut down on some of the sound."
"Then see if they roommate can use a white noise generator/fan to cover up some of the sound since it would be silent."-TheDoNothings.
This seems like a situation which can be solved fairly easily over a civil conversation.
Here's hoping that the OP and her roommate are able to do so, and might return to a more harmonious living situation than the one they are currently in.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.