We always want to be there for our friends.
Offer them a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on when they're down.
And if we believe that they might find themselves in a sad or dangerous situation, we would naturally feel the need to warn them.
But it's also important to be careful not to stick our noses where they don't belong, as that is when help suddenly turns to meddling.
Redditor HeavyLawfulness3343 found herself in a sticky situation when she overheard one of her friends sharing information regarding her relationship.
As a result, the original poster (OP) felt it was only fair to give her friend's boyfriend the heads-up he deserved.
Something which did not please the friend the OP overheard one bit.
Wondering if she had crossed a line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my friend that I think his girlfriend is about to leave him?"
The OP shared why she simply couldn't keep quiet after hearing information regarding the relationship of two of her closest friends she wasn't meant to hear.
"I (30 F[emale]) am friends with Ruby (30 F) and Tom (31 M[ale])."
"We met at uni and were part of the same group of friends."
"They got together in our final year.'
'After uni, Tom and I started work, Ruby did Masters while working."
"Her and Tom moved in together."
"After masters, Ruby landed a very good job and Tom decided to quit his."
"Apparently, she wasn’t happy but let it go."
"Ruby and I were best friends but after graduation she became boring."
"While me and Tom would have a drink or two in their garden, she would study or work and drifted apart."
"Recently, Ruby has been more distanced."
"When I come over and Tom and I sit In the garden she doesn’t even join us, she does her own stuff."
"She barely acknowledges us, but Tom doesn’t see an issue."
"I tried to tell him but he said it’s fine, at least she doesn’t bother him while gaming anymore."
"She’s lost a lot of weight lately, she’s gained it because of her thyroid, and has just been focusing on herself."
"I tried inviting her to have a drink with us but she always refuses, frankly I think she’s taken adulting way too seriously."
"Last Saturday, I was out with some friends and we’re doing a pub crawl."
"At one, I noticed Ruby having a drink with her friends. I didn’t know she had any, and she was her old self, laughing, having fun, cracking jokes."
"She was the life of a party."
"I didn’t know any of these people and I suspected Tom didn’t either."
"I texted Tom and he said he’s busy with a game and we’ll talk later."
"I couldn’t let it go."
"She went outside with her friend and I followed them.'
"It was crowded so she didn’t notice me and I kind of eavesdropped on them."
"I was lucky because they’re talking about her plans and it seems that she’s planning on leaving Tom."
"She’s sick of him not working and ignoring her but being stuck because he doesn’t work."
"She saved money for herself and saved a few months money for him so when she leaves, he can have money to live off."
"I couldn’t believe my ears, what a B-tch."
"She said she’s got her ticket and house sorted but she saw me before saying more."
"She looked at me with disgust, didn’t even acknowledge me and she switched to another language with her friend."
"I got a taxi and went straight to Tom’s telling him what I heard."
"He told me to stop being silly."
"I told him that he should consider what to do so she stays, and he said she has no reason to leave."
"We played some games and got a bit drunker."
"I stayed on their sofa and didn’t know when Ruby came home."
"I was woken up by Ruby at 2 pm, and she called me an a**hole amongst other names, kicked me out of the house, telling me to never come again."
"She was pissed because Tom confronted her about leaving."
"She told me to not meddle and I told her he has a right to know if she’s going to leave and has a chance to make things right."
"Was I really in her wrong for telling him?"
"I mean, we used to be friends but I don’t think I have any obligation to her but I am not sure."
"Am I really the a**hole for warning him, I thought he deserved that."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP received little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, as did Tom, with just about everyone finding the OP to clearly be the a**hole.
In addition to the feeling that the OP was involving herself in business which did not concern her and finding both her and Tom to be shockingly immature, everyone agreed that Tom's freeloading ways made it all too understandable why Ruby wanted to leave him.
"YTA for sure.'
'I had to recheck the ages here.'
'You are both 30?;
You and Tom act 19."
"She saved him money to live off of!?"
'And that makes her a b*tch!'
"This is an incredibly kind thing to do in a breakup like this, especially when Tom is a total leech without a job who clearly is making her miserable."
"Negative on both counts."
"Tom has made his bed by being a deadbeat, and she owes him nothing, especially nothing to 'make things right.'"
"She's a person, not his slave"- Encartrus
"YTA."
"All the way."
"Meddling."
"She’s too adult?"
"She’s a b*tch for planning to GIVE HIM MONEY to live on once she leaves?"
"He plays video games and gets drunk while she works?"
"I hope she leaves quickly to go live her adult life."
"And that you and Tom grow up."
"YTA."
"Extra."- KidsWontSleep
"So Tom doesn’t work, spends a lot of money on alcohol, and plays video games all the time, and is apparently relieved his GF doesn’t ‘bother’ him while he’s playing."
"Gosh he sounds like a real catch."
"I truly can’t imagine why Ruby would even consider leaving him."
"Seriously though, are you in love with him or what?"
"You really think she’s the b*tch for not wanting to support a man who does nothing with his life but play video games and drink."
"And he doesn’t even realize she’s unhappy!"
"Also, how is it she’s boring because she doesn’t want to party all the time?"
"You sound like you’re still 21, and it’s not cute."
"Yes, YTA and so is Tom."- crazybicatlady86
"YTA."
'You way overstepped your boundaries."
"And it's a little hard to believe that a college-educated 30-year-old woman sounds like you."
"You shouldn't be 'adulting' at this point."
"That should have crossed over into being an adult long ago."
"Grow up before your life passes you by."- LilBitofSunshine99
"OP- grow up."
"Stay out of other people’s relationships."
"And guess what?"
"Of course, your friend was super happy."
"I’d be happy too if someone paid all my bills and did everything while I sat on my ass and wasted my own college degree doing nothing."
"And he said the only problem they had was her nagging him?"
"Translation, she was telling him point blank the things that made her unhappy and the change she wanted to see in their relationship and he made ZERO effort to accommodate her."
"Hence the 'nagging' continued."
"Ruby deserves her goddamn freedom, her life will be much better with BOTH of you gone."
"And in 10 years when she’s still successful and has a stable life and you and your friend continue to struggle, well, you’ll have no one to blame but yourselves."
"You aren’t in your 20s anymore, NOW is the time to build the life you want which is what smart little Ruby is doing."
"Team Ruby!"- Mrs_N2020
The OP later shared an update regarding Ruby and Tom.
"Sh*t has hit the fun."
"Last night, Tom knocked on my door crying, and she kicked him out."
"They were talking and he was beginning for her to stay, he offered to find a part-time job and do more around the house but she wouldn’t listen to him and didn’t care that he wanted to try."
"She said she’s leaving in 2 weeks time."
"He asked where and if they could meet and work on things while living separately but she’s moving abroad."
"She asked him to go and stay someplace else while she is packing and he can move back in once she leaves."
"She told him she had money saved up for him so he'll have time to find a job."
"He asked her if he could get them now since he has to go someplace else to stay and she said absolutely not."
"She also said that because of that, him asking her, she wasn’t going to give him money for 6 months as she initially planned but only for 3 months because he only cares about money."
"So he is not staying at mine because he doesn’t have money to stay elsewhere for 2 weeks and she wouldn’t even give him a penny."
"He has his debit card, they had a joined account and she had a separate one, but she’s transferred all but £100."
"That’s all he has for 2 weeks."
"As you can see, she’s not the saint you guys make her up to be."
"Tom is heartbroken and all she cares about is money and her move."
"She doesn't care how he feels or if he has a place to stay for the 2 weeks."
The OP's surprise at the way things ended between Ruby and Tom is a bit confusing, as she literally knew it was coming.
While one never hopes for a couple to end their relationship, it's still a little hard to sympathize with either of them.
Being 30-years-old and supporting yourself in a responsible manner isn't an unusual occurrence.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.