We’ve all gone through terribly rough times where we might be struggling, lonely, feeling hopeless, and maybe even a little bit bored with our usual life.
But that’s no reason to impose on someone else’s partner, no matter how innocent it might seem at first, pointed out the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Ms_demeana and her husband were close with her husband’s brother but not particularly with their sister-in-law, who also did not appear at their wedding.
So when she started contacting the Original Poster (OP)’s husband, bored while her husband was deployed, it set off warning bells in Redditor Ms_demeana’s mind.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for wanting boundaries after my brother-in-law’s wife keeps calling my husband late at night out of boredom?”
The OP and her husband weren’t very close with their sister-in-law, Stacy.
“My husband, Luke (26 Male), and I (29 Female) just got married in October.”
“We had a small elopement with family and a few close friends.”
“Luke’s brother, Alex, is married to a woman, Stacy. Alex was able to make it to our elopement but left Stacy back in their home state as she couldn’t get off of work. Although we found it odd, our wedding plans had been undecided for a long time, and the invites were sent only two months in advance.”
“We shook it off. We don’t have a close relationship with Stacy, and neither of us have really ever called or texted her in the past.”
“I am the only one who has ever reached out to her, only to wish her a happy first year of marriage to Alex.”
“She responded with an, ‘Oops! I never responded, tee hee,’ twelve days later.”
“Alex and my husband have a great relationship; they talk every week. Alex is in the military and has been traveling for work, so their phone calls haven’t been as common as of late.”
It was unusual when Stacy started reaching out to the OP’s husband.
“Stacy randomly called my husband last Friday around 8:30 PM her time, 9:30 PM ours.”
“Luke found it odd and sent a text in lieu of answering, asking if everything was okay.”
“Stacy responded with an, ‘I’m bored and wanted to talk on the phone because Alex is far away.'”
“Luke didn’t respond and told me immediately, but she called again at 2:00 AM our time that same night. We found it incredibly weird and struggled with how to navigate the situation, as neither of us was comfortable with that.”
“Ultimately, we shook it off and thought maybe she was drinking and just wanted company, and this was a one-time occurrence.”
When Stacy reached out again, the OP and her husband knew it was time for some boundaries.
“But fast forward to today, she texted him again (9:30 PM), asking to talk on the phone out of boredom.”
“How should we respond with a clear boundary that one-on-one communication with each others’ spouses, without needing to talk about Alex or other family emergencies, has been deemed inappropriate?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some urged the OP to set up a group chat for the two couples.
“‘Hey Stacy! It’s great to hear from you. I set up a group chat for us to stay in touch since I don’t take phone calls after 8:00 PM.” – stufftcrust
“It seems like if OP is present during earlier calls, it’s no big deal. If OP and her hubs don’t want phone calls at all, hubs can set the boundary and say, ‘we’d prefer to use the group chat,’ and then stop answering her calls.” – IndigoTJO
“I’d go with a group chat with all parties asking to keep phone calls during reasonable hours (before 8:00 PM). Boundaries need to be set.” – stevemoveyafeet
“Some have suggested ghosting her, and I agree that if she gets ZERO response from him and only some from the OP, she will be less likely to text the dude when she’s horny and hubby is out of town.”
“But I do like the other commenter’s idea of instantly responding with a group chat including her man, offering a chipper invitation to stay connected and play Wordle.”
“This chick sounds like the bad military wives you see on TV who cheat.” – bittersweetful
“Hard to say if you’re overreacting or not, since this is a fairly recent change in behavior for her. One thought is that maybe your husband’s voice and Alex’s voice are close enough that she thinks it would provide her a measure of comfort. The thing is, that’s not your husband’s responsibility, so that does make it a bit inappropriate if true.”
“I think the suggestion from u/stevemoveyafeet is probably the best. Start a group chat, include Alex, and ask that if she needs to call, it needs to be at reasonable hours. I would probably add in that if she’s struggling, I believe there are support systems for partners that are struggling with travelling or deployed partners in the military, and she might want to avail herself of them.” – virtualchoirboy
Others urged the OP’s husband to set boundaries and inform his brother immediately.
“To be honest, this sounds sketchy as f**k. In my honest opinion, Luke’s gotta nip it in the bud ASAP.”
“A simple ‘Hey, please reach out to me during normal hours and only for important stuff. Late-night calls are a no-go. Thanks,’ should do. Might seem harsh, but boundaries gotta be set, y’know?”
“If this still doesn’t work, maybe loop Alex in… he deserves to know. Just remember, respect and trust are crucial in every relationship. Good luck, OP!” – TrashPixieX
“Why isn’t she calling, oh, I DON’T KNOW, her husband or something?” – Boyz4jezeus
“Simple. Your husband needs to tell his brother and send him screenshots. Then send her a polite text to f**k off. Simple as that!” – YourPleasureIs-Mine
“You don’t build a friendship with a married individual late at night; that’s completely inappropriate. And a call for help would be to someone she actually has a relationship with.” – AbbreviationsOk7954
“Timing and days are the biggest giveaways! My best friend’s wife used to call me, being bored, since he works too much. Then it developed into hanging out. Then it turned into how she is miserable in her marriage. And the rest is history (because I said no, and she killed the friendship).”
“It always starts with boredom, AKA, not getting f**ked properly and frequently! It is her husband’s job to fix it. If he can’t or won’t, she can leave him and find someone else who is not the OP’s husband.” – SubstantialGuard8463
“NOR. Having someone who isn’t blood-related to you reaching out that late is weird. Throw in the infidelity percentage of military spouses, and chances are, she’s showing interest and wondering if your husband is interested. I’d put firm boundaries down now and involve your BIL in the conversation, too.” – Intelligent-Cat7539
“Tell your husband’s brother, and you answer the phone. If she keeps getting you, she will probably stop calling. You also need to make it clear that late-night calls are unacceptable except for extreme emergencies.” – KrissytheFish
“Your husband should send screenshots to his brother and let him know what’s happening. I have a suspicious feeling that your sil wants to end up having an affair with someone, and it’s your husband who is her target.” – lorybear96
“I personally feel that this is very odd and inappropriate. She is testing the waters to see what she can get away with.”
“Your husband should send her a text that says something like, ‘Hey Stacy, sorry you’re bored, but I don’t really appreciate being called or texted this late at night. It feels inappropriate and makes me uncomfortable. If you’d like to get in touch, please call before 8:00 PM my time (7:00 PM your time).'”
“And then I’d tell Alex. Don’t imply anything, just say, ‘Hey, your wife has called me multiple times late at night, saying she was bored and needed company, and I thought it was odd. You might want to see if she’s doing okay.'”
“Don’t make it complicated. She initiated this weird contact, and now she needs to see that her actions will have a response.” – veravendetta
“NOR, your husband can simply stop responding, stop answering, and just ghost her. YOU can text her a polite, ‘We are in bed, please don’t call so late again.'”
“Tell Alex his wife needs something or someone to do.” – Sexy_Madness
“I would NOT allow my husband to talk to another lonely woman, even if it’s family. I get a creepy, bad vibe from her, and it’s just suspicious. Also, his having zero contact with her is the appropriate, respectful response in regard to his wife AND his brother.” – helpmygrandparents
“She is trying to replace her husband with yours. She needs to find someone else to talk to. Otherwise, this is going to end up in some sort of emotional dependency or straight up emotional affair.”
“Your husband should tell her that IF she needs to talk to a family member, then YOU would be her one to talk to, or his mother, or an aunt, not him.” – Lilac-Roses-Sunsets
“The easiest way to have handled this would have been to ‘innocently’ call your SIL on your husband’s behalf. ‘Luke’s not feeling well, but said you needed to talk. What’s up? Anything going on you need to talk about?'”
“Maybe do this the next time she calls. Luke can be ‘sleeping,’ ‘working,’ or even ‘thought you might need some girl chat since you’ve been texting so late. Is everything OK?'”
“Take it from there. Either she’ll be stuttering to try and “excuse” her behavior, or if there’s actually some sort of problem, you’ll find out.”
“I am kind of wondering why your husband didn’t want to speak with her, since it could have been something important. He seems to have somehow been pretty sure that it wasn’t.”
“It is also kind of weird that she didn’t come to your wedding. Maybe all of that is just my mind wandering, though? You know your husband, and I’m sure you trust him; she could have been ‘weird’ or even inappropriate with him in the past, and he could just be trying to ‘swat her away’ before it causes any trouble between you two?”
“Next time, maybe he should call her back, but put her on speaker, and talk to her while you’re there. If either he or she is uncomfortable with this, you’ll quickly figure out if there’s a problem, whether it’s him insisting not to engage with her in front of you, or her getting nervous and saying, ‘Oh, never mind. Sorry for texting so late.'” – Murky-Cheetah-4317
It really could all be totally innocent, and the OP’s sister-in-law might be bored out of her mind while missing her husband during his deployment, leaving her eager to connect with people she hadn’t really tried to foster a friendship with before.
If that were the case, it would be easy enough for her to comply with some healthy boundaries while building that relationship. And if it wasn’t, her true intentions would become obvious soon enough.