Navigating life after death is often an insurmountable task.
People who survive loved ones have a double whammy… learning how to live with grief and how to keep living.
And all holidays can be a minefield.
Case in point…
Redditor Throwaitabfhelp wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for visiting my late husband’s grave on Valentines Day?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Hi, first time poster here. I (37F[emale]) lost my husband in 2014, it was very unexpected.”
“We were together since high school and had a daughter (15F).”
“It took a long time to accept his death and move on but I did and I’ve been in a new relationship for three years now.”
“My boyfriend (38M[ale]) is amazing and I love him, he gets along with my daughter super well which is obviously important to me.”
“The drama is, we’ve recently been arguing about the fact I have a few photos of my late husband around the house.”
“He said it makes him uncomfortable to constantly see the man I was married to.”
“I have a table in the living room where I have a small memorial type thing, it has a bunch of photo frames of my late husband as well as candles.”
“I came home from work two weeks ago and saw that my boyfriend took all of the photos off the table and stashed them in a drawer.”
“It caused a massive argument.”
“He told me he did it because it made him feel like a guest in his own home.”
“I told him it’s f88ked up to be insecure over a man who isn’t even alive but he believes his feelings are completely valid.”
“My late husband’s birthday is the 14th of February and every year I go to visit his grave with my daughter.”
“But this year my boyfriend got irritated over it.”
“He told me he wanted to spend the entire day with me but instead I went to ‘look at a gravestone.’”
“Apparently I ruined Valentine’s day. I was FURIOUS.”
“I asked him why suddenly he has an issue with my late husband and he said it’s because he was planning on proposing to me but he can’t anymore because he believes I’m still caught up on my husband.”
“I ended up calling him a c*nt and and he angrily left the house and hasn’t been back since.”
“Am I the A-hole?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“NTA. But this boyfriend may not be the right person for you.”
“Too many people treat a late spouse/partner as an ‘ex.'”
“And expect the survivor to ‘move on’ as if they’d broken up with the late partner.”
“Your late spouse will always have a place in your heart, and you need and deserve a new partner who can respect and honor that part of you.”
“After my parents divorced, my father, eventually, remarried, to a widow his own age, who had lost her first husband to cancer.”
“They wound up living together, in the house she and her first husband had bought and raised their children in, until my father could no longer live at home due to advancing dementia.”
“My father always honored and respected her late husband’s memory.”
“His family pictures, and newer pictures of the two of them and our blended families, were added to the pictures in her home.”
“They never replaced or displaced the pictures she had with her first husband and their children growing up.”
“My father chose a sapphire ring to propose with, so as not to seem to compete with the (very nice) diamond her first husband had proposed with.”
“If your boyfriend cannot live comfortably with your memories and connection to your late husband, he’s not the right one.” ~ Jazzlike_Humor3340
“You put it so much more eloquently than I could’ve. Very much agreed on all points. NTA.” ~ trekqueen
“NTA! And, he’s your daughter’s father, for crying out loud.”
“He’s dead, what’s to be jealous of? I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
“You didn’t ruin anything.”
“Sounds like BF can’t accept you and your daughter had a life before him.” ~ Glitterasaur
“Absolutely NTA and totally support all the above points!”
“I’m sorry your BF is treating you and your daughter this way.”
“It’s incredible offensive to try to erase the memories of your late husband just because he is jealous that you loved someone that isn’t him.”
“This speaks to a level of emotional insecurity that’s concerning for a developing relationship.” ~ IrishULtravels
“NTA. Think it’s notable that BF said he was going to propose to OP on Valentine’s Day (besides trite, was he really going to propose or just using it as a wedge?)”
“Knowing OP’s tradition of visiting his grave with her daughter.”
“The late husband’s birthday as well as Valentine’s Day.”
“BF wants to wipe out all of this dead man’s places in OP’s and her daughter’s heart.”
“Plus what a weak-ass move shoving the late husband’s pictures in a drawer.”
“He obviously thinks he must compete with a dead man instead of being who he is.”
“Unless OP thinks down deep she’s not letting BF completely into her heart (only she knows), it looks like bf may not be as perfect as she thought he was.” ~ farsical111
“Not only that, but this guy is behaving like his feelings about it are more important than her daughter’s feelings!”
“OP, ask yourself this: is it more important that your daughter feels like it’s okay to honor her father’s memory, or is it more important that your (probably-soon-to-be-ex) boyfriend isn’t forced to think about the fact that you loved anyone before him?”
“Who is more important? A grieving child who lost her father, or a grown man who made a choice to get involved with a widow?”
“I won’t even get into the whole ‘I was going to propose but YOU ruined everything’ argument.”
“So juvenile. I’m sorry this isn’t the relationship you thought it was, OP.” ~ ItsAboutResilience
“You dodged a bullet here.”
“I met a wonderful widowed woman and we just fell for each other hard.”
“There are still photos of her late husband around, because that was part of her life and it was ended too soon.”
“They had a boy who I treat as my own son at this point.”
“Point is, you don’t have to walk away from the past to have a future.”
“Anyone telling you differently isn’t for you. NTA.” ~ scuba_GSO
“My mother had a similar experience.”
“My father passed away from lung cancer over a decade ago and her second husband was more than considerate of the fact that my dad was the father of her children, and that part of her would always love him.”
“They lived together with my dad’s ashes and photo on the mantle, and he never would have disturbed them or hidden them away.”
“He knew that she had enough love for both of them, and that was what mattered.”
“OP, you deserve someone that will be careful with your heart and can respect your history.”
“I wish you luck NTA.” ~ biscuit_fortune
“If he really loved OP (as well as her daughter) it would be loving the WHOLE person, not just selectively.”
“His so called love is conditional, and that is NOT what LOVE really means.”
“OP, I agree with this poster, this guy isn’t right for you.”
“He’s more concerned with his own selfish purposes than your heart.”
“I’m sorry you had an experience like this on Valentine’s day, to add insult to injury.”
“In the long run, maybe it will be a blessing in disguise, as that will provide the neon sign you needed to get it, that he won’t be there for you two in the most important times.”
“This isn’t just emotional abandonment though, it’s far worse.”
“Trying to make you feel guilty and erase your husband and your daughter’s father’s existence is the type of behavior one would expect from an abuser, and also from a narcissist.”
“I’m sitting here wishing you could see a good therapist, in order to help you work through things in a safe space, with someone who can be a good compassionate mirror to help you get clarity.”
“People are multi-faceted and complex.”
“We all have the details our lives came with that we must navigate.”
“I’m sure there must be several endearing things about this guy, or you wouldn’t have come to love him.”
“Again, the question is whether he loves you in the ways and to the depth we all need to be loved in a committed partnership.” ~ rednrithmetic
“Yes!!! OP has a child that lost a father.”
“He needs to respect her honoring her late husband, not just for her, but her kid.”
“Taking her dad’s photos down in her home was low.”
“This guy doesn’t get to come in a and erase this kid’s dad now that he is on the scene.”
“Being jealous of a man that has passed, is really weird. I would give this whole thing a second thought.” ~ anneofred
“I agree. This guy is not right for you. NTA.” ~ Princess-She-ra
Death sucks. And sometimes so does love.
Well it seems OP has a lot to think about.
Hopefully she can take some solace in the support for her story.
Good luck OP.