Having in-laws can either be a blessing or a curse.
Ideally, we want to embrace the expansion of a family with an outside support system of people who will unconditionally love us.
Unfortunately, we don't get to choose our in-laws if they are difficult to deal with.
One woman had a particular issue with her mother-in-law, and when she tried to deal with it the best she could, it didn't go well.
She turned to the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Margarida39 asked:
"AITA to refuse to go to my MIL house unless she confirms 2 weeks in advance to avoid that she refuses us last minute as already happened?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (39 F[female]) am married to my husband (42 M[ale]) since 10 years and my MIL has always been a problem."
"He is a only son, she lives 2h away from us and she always plays these power games where she is always complaining by phone that we do not visit her but then she never allows us to do it. In 2 weeks we will have some vacation days and my husband would like to go to visit her."
"He asked her over the phone and she said she will think about it. She always does this and sometimes she just confirms in the day before or even some hours in advance, and we need to rush to pack the car and go there or sometimes she just refuses that we go last minute and then we have no possibility to book somewhere nice to go instead."
The OP continued:
"She does the same if we invite her to come to our house. She will not confirm until last minute, so we are not able to book other things to do with friends, and sometimes I prepare the guest room and she simply decides not to come."
"Since last year I told my husband I am done with preparing any guest room or making any arrangements to her in our house as I feel she does not respects us. Also happens the other way around that she does not call in advance and then she simply arrives here and if we are not home she demands we need to return."
She shared the most recent example where things went south.
"Last time this happened I told my husband no way we would go home (we were 30min away in another town to go to movies and dinner in a nice restaurant), we didn't go as she was really upset with him."
"My FIL does not have any action on this, he just does what the wife says. She has no friends or other family around, so she is always alone with FIL at their house. When I go there she cooks for us and does all the chores because she does not allow me to move around the house, I am not able to enter the kitchen."
"I just go to the dinning room, bedroom and bathroom, so she really has a heavy burden of work, because she does all the cooking and cleaning when we are there but is her choice."
"This time I told my husband that either she confirms still this week that we are allowed to go to her house or I will simply book some days off in a nice hotel in advance and I do not care if she then says last minute that we can go."
"My husband is upset and says I am TA because we should just understand she is old and complicated and go along with what she wants."
"So reddit, AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"Completely NTA. She is playing some stupid power games with you, and you two need to set a hard boundary with her."
"Hi MIL, I need you to confirm that you will be available for us to visit on x-date, if we do not hear back from you by y-date/time, we will make other plans and try again when we are available next."
"You and your husband need to be a united front on this, or she will play more games pitting you two against each other. There will be a period of her throwing fits, but they should calm down if she wants to see her son/grandkids/you. DO NOT BUDGE on this, or she will keep making your life miserable." – Discount_Mithral
"The only way to win is to not play. I agree with you, but Op's husband is enabling her to keep playing. Let him schedule time with her and play maid when she shows up unexpectedly. Op should do her own thing, and actually enjoy her vacation time." – okilz
"NTA. My MIL is very similar."
"You deal with it by asking her to confirm by your deadline (don't call it that; just say you need to know by the 5th, for example)."
"If you don't hear from her that day, ask your husband to phone her that evening to get a firm confirmation. If she can't give one, that means it's a 'no'. Make other plans and stick to them."
"The same routine for her visiting you."
"If you stick to this, eventually, she will learn."
"Now, your husband may not go along with this, and you can't control him."
"If she confirms your visit and then cancels closer to the date without a reasonable excuse then I would skip the next visit. And if she's supposed to visit you and cancels last minute then it would be a long time before I invited her again."
"Your husband needs to tell her that neither of you is happy about her not committing to/changing plans at the last minute and that unless she can stick to plans, you'll be making firm plans elsewhere." – Longjumping-Lab-1916
"This the way OP!"
"Also if your husband does not want to go along with this, it's time for some marriage counseling- he may need to hear from a third party/authority figure just how far out of step his mother is with normal behavior, and that your requests are reasonable, and that his job is to prioritize the needs of the family he created, not his family of origin." – disappointmentcaftan
"NTA. You are setting perfectly acceptable boundaries. You husband needs to understand that his mother does not get to treat you or him however she pleases just because she is old and his mother. He needs to learn boundary setting with her as well."
"If you are only 2 hours away though, why does going to visit require time off? Can't you just use the time off you have to go on a proper vacation and leave the visiting his mother part to normal weekends? You shouldn't have to waste vacation time even if she wasn't playing these games." – Elegant_Bluebird_460
"NTA this is a narcissistic power move and it is not okay. Don't play this game with her."
"You can give the boundary line of, 'we have xx days off and would like to visit. Please let us know by xx day, otherwise we will be making other plans.'"
"Also, 'you do not get to come to our house uninvited and ruin our plans. You can go sit in a coffee shop or in your car, but we'll get home when we get home.' "
"My MIL has narcissistic tendency too, and she plays dumb games like this. But if you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes." –
Artistic_Dog_235
"NTA"
"From what you say it sounds like she has lost a feeling of importance in your husband's life and is yearning to have that back which is coming out in these somewhat passive aggressive ways. It's not respectful of you/your husband's time/life though." – ananonymouslight
"NTA. Her age is not an excuse ; you can't plan your life around your mother in law simply because she demands it. If your husband wants to do it, fine, he can run when she calls."
"You'll stay home or go where you booked a hotel or wherever. You're entitled to having a boundary as simple as confirming whether you're even invited somewhere." – ladyteruki
"NTA, but your husband is arguably as bad as his mother. Grow a damn spine."
"For the record, this is not the kind of thing I would ever let slide or tolerate even once. If I drive two hours to stay with you, and then you turn me away at the door, I'm not ever doing that again, period. Whether I consent to simply get a hotel nearby instead next time is a different question, but with the rest of the behavior you've described, my answer would simply be 'No, not interested' ".
"That being said, and I don't blame you for this because your MIL sounds like a nightmare, but 2 hours is like... nothing. If I lived 2 hours from my parents I'd be seeing them several times a month, at least. If you don't own a vehicle I guess that would change things, but it sounds like both you and your husbands parents own a vehicle so the fact that you apparently don't see each other enough clearly isn't because of the distance."
"And actually for that matter I wouldn't bother with a hotel either; it's 2 fricken hours. There and back in one day, especially if she's a nightmare to deal with." – deefop
Redditors thought the OP setting boundaries for her mother-in-law was warranted based on past incidences.
They also thought her husband was complicit with his mom by siding with her and not supporting the OP's feeling of disrespect.
Hopefully, after a civil discussion over the issue, the mother will become more accommodating.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp