Many people have secrets that they keep hidden from everyone but their closest circle.
Redditor No-Note-3098 is one such secret-keeper.
The Original Poster (OP) has a childhood she is not proud of, so when she told her husband's family she explicitly asked them not to share it with anyone else.
Recently the OP learned that her in-laws and sister-in-law did, in fact, mention her secret to some people.
She found out in a humiliating way, causing her to lash out when seeing her in-laws and SIL again.
Around this same time, she was supposed to make a birthday cake for her SIL's daughter.
When she learned her SIL had seemingly no remorse for sharing her secret, she decided to pull out of her birthday cake duties last minute.
This caused a blow-up between the OP, her in-laws and her SIL, driving her to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
She asked:
"AITA for giving my SIL [sister-in-law] three days notice that I would no longer make a cake for her daughter's 3rd birthday...""...after finding out she and her parents told others my history?"
She went on to explain:
"I [28-year-old female] love to bake and I will often make cakes and stuff for friends and since I met my [in-laws] in 2018, for them as well."
"My SIL asked me to bake her daughter's birthday cake for her birthday this weekend. This was back in October and we discussed what she wanted in detail."
"It's not my first time making her cakes but it is my first time as her SIL officially and where I felt like I was truly part of a family."
"Three days ago I was out grocery shopping and I ran into a family friend of my [in-laws]. This person is not someone I like very much."
"She's a bad gossip and seems to have some malice in her while sharing gossip about others. I try to be polite to everyone and normally I don't talk to her."
"But she stopped me and went out of her way to ask me when my husband and I are having kids."
"Then she mentioned me being a foster kid and an affair baby and she did it in a way that was meant to come across s actual concern but was really her being intrusive and cruel."
"She mentioned that my [in-laws] and SIL were concerned about our kids not having anyone."
"I told my husband when he got home from work and I was a mess. It might seem dumb but I felt like his family betrayed the trust I put in them..."
"...and they did the one thing they were asked not to do, which was tell people about my history. It's not something I want to broadcast to everyone who knows me."
"My husband confronted his parents and sister and they said they only mentioned it to 'a few close circle people' and they defended it when my husband said that wasn't okay."
"SIL said it's not like people wouldn't find out eventually and he asked her how they would find out if we never told them."
"My history is that both my parents were married to others and had children with their other spouses when they had an affair. I was the result."
"Both sets of first children were technically adults or close to it when I was born. The day before my 5th birthday we were in the car together and it crashed."
"My parents died and so did the people in the other car. I was the only survivor and I was in hospital for a few weeks after."
"Nobody in either of my parents families wanted me and I was brought up in foster care the rest of my life. I never found a family."
"After hearing SIL say what she did and realize how unapologetic they were and hearing how little they cared about what they did to me..."
"...I asked if I could speak to SIL for a sec and told her not to expect a cake from me after going against what I wanted and having such little care for the harm it caused."
"She went crazy and said it was only 3 days until the birthday party and my husband backed me up and said so what."
"She and their parents were blowing up his phone so bad he had to block them and I worry that I'm being a bit of an AH saying no with such short notice."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA."
"They treated you like family to your face, were willing to have you bake cakes for them, but they couldn't not share your personal backstory to others after being told explicitly not to."
"Huge violation of trust and I am very happy to hear that your husband is backing you up and setting a boundary with his family."
"I'm also very sorry to hear that you're going through this... It must be heartbreaking."
"NTA." - Aggressive-Bed3269
"NTA. All she has to do is order a cake."
"What happened to you was horrible. Does she not get that? That being able to control who knows your history is one of the few things you have?"
"Claps for your husband." - LhasaApsoSmile
"ABSOLUTELY NTA. She betrayed you in the worst possible way. I'm so sorry."
"Honestly, I feel like my words are insufficient. I wish I could hug you, OP. Your husband is awesome for having your back on this." - midnightsrose77
"NTA."
"Your family history is not theirs to share, whether or not you had explicitly told them not to beforehand."
"The fact that they did so even then is as disrespectful as it shows they have no consideration or empathy on your behalf."
"In which world did they thought you would take the news of your tragic past being shared around behind your back, and not be mad about it ?"
"Are they so out of touch with reality that they genuinely cannot see how wrong it is ?"
"Your SIL is lucky she even got a warning after what she (and her parents) did, especially considering how they aren't even apologetic about it."
"If I had been in your own shoes, she would've found out on the day of the birthday when I wouldn't have shown up with the promised cake. Or better yet, thrown that whole cake right up in her face."
"Kudos for your husband to take your side and defend your honor. He should be the one to get that cake instead." - indiscreve
"OP: NTA"
"First off, I'm so sorry for what you faced growing up. What you grew up with was horrible. But you... are a miracle."
"After all you've faced you've shared kindness with people (in the form of those cakes and im sure other ways)."
"What your in-laws did... the words I have will definitely get me banned from reddit. I'm sure what my response would've been ... they would be happy that only the cake was lost. "
"I do want to make a statement and I will invoke the legendary Harry Dresden:"
"I don't care about whose DNA has recombined with whose. When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching--they are your family. - Jim Butcher, Proven Guilty"
"You say you never found a family. I humbly submit that you might not have found a family until you found your husband."
"Not only did you find him, you claimed him. He is standing next to you now when his family are showing how ... wrong... they can be."
"It's gotta be a rough realization for him. Please make sure he knows that you know that he cares about you."
"For now, survive this onslaught. You and your husband work together for the next response. Until your in-laws are able to speak and behave as adults..."
"...you just need to decide what you and your husband think your boundaries, limits, etc are with dealing with these.... special people." - StrikingCow4967
"NTA. What a horrible thing to do to you and then to not be apologetic? Your ILs can never make it up to you for giving a vicious gossip access to your personal history..."
"...maybe they did not directly tell her, but they DID tell someone who told her, which they were specifically asked not to do..."
"...and you and your husband will suffer your being the butt of this gossip from now on. You have every reason to be outraged and to refuse to make nice here, short notice be d*mned."
"Three days is enough time for SIL to order a generic supermarket cake with her daughter's name piped on it. Daughter is three, she won't care who made it." - Auntie-Mam69
"They can easily order a grocery cake with her name on it in icing with as little as two days' notice; I have done it before."
"If they aren't organized enough for that, they can get a generic grocery cake with one day's notice."
"Not only did they spread your private information around after you asked them not to, they weren't even apologetic afterward. I'm so sorry."
"Now you know that you cannot tell these people anything private at all as they are incapable of discretion." - Reasonable-Sale8611
Verdict: most definitely not the a**hole.
What do you think? Let us know in the comment below.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp