Every now and again, who hasn’t allowed a friend or loved one to spend the night on their couch?
Sometimes a friend might be in town for just a night and needs a place to crash, maybe a friend had you had for dinner lost track of time, or had a little too much to drink, so it would only be polite to offer them refuge for the night.
But, can one do this too many times?
A recent Redditor certainly thought so, who was becoming more and more perturbed by a regular overnight guest at their boyfriends apartment.
Making things a little more awkward, this regular guest happened to be her boyfriend’s mother.
Concerned she might have been overreacting, the original poster (OP), took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for saying my boyfriend needs to set boundaries with his mom?”
The OP explained how her boyfriend’s mother had been making a habit of crashing on his couch, a habit which the OP wished she would break.
“My boyfriend (26 M[ale]) and I (25 F[emale]) have been dating for roughly 2 months officially.”
“We spend most of our time together, and that includes me sleeping over at his apartment most nights.”
“When we first started talking, he was living in a different complex in a different city.”
“And it wasn’t nearly as nice as the place he moved into.”
“But the issue at hand, is that his mom keeps showing up unannounced and just sleeping over?”
“It has now happened on 4 different occasions.”
“The first time she slept over, she had been helping him and his brother move into their apartment all day, and was going to continue to help the next day.”
“So I kind of just brushed it off and ignored it.”
“But then it happened again.”
“Today, being the 4th time.”
“She showed up at 3pm to have him help her set up his iPhone, and I’m typing this at 3am because she hasn’t left and is laying on the couch, still awake.”
“Some other details:”
“Her marriage is fine.”
“She lives 25-30 minutes from his new apartment.”
“He sees her just as frequently as when he lived somewhere else.”
“AITA because I don’t want to sleep over when she’s sleeping over?”
“Or because I think it’s weird that a whole grown a** woman keeps showing up unannounced to sleep on her son’s couch?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was overreacting and was indeed the a**hole in this situation.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP had no right to have an opinion on how much her boyfriend’s mother spent the night at his apartment, particularly as the couple hadn’t been seeing each other for a particularly long time, and that the two of them don’t even live together yet.
“This may be unpopular, but a two-month relationship does not give you the right to have any say about his family’s presence in his apartment.”
“Yes, you can bring it up with him, or yes, you can limit your own presence on the nights his mother is there.”
“However, setting any kinds of ultimatums or judgements on the situation, or confronting her yourself as some people seem to think is a good idea, it’s not, are things that are not your place and would definitely make you TA.”- imaginaryprojects
“Just because she’s a whole grown a** woman doesn’t mean she isn’t his mom.”
“Is it a bit odd?”
“But you have been together 8 weeks.”
“Weirder that you think you get a say in the matter.”- semcg
“I’m sorry aren’t you also a ‘whole grown a** woman’?”
“With a whole other place to stay?”
“Assuming it’s 4 nights in the past two months and you’re with him most nights I really don’t know what your problem is?”
“Your relationship is brand new and you want to start dictating how a man can behave with his family.”
“Please stay in your lane.”
“His relationship with his mum is between him and his mum specially since it’s also his apartment.”
“You can mention to him that you’re not comfortable staying over when she does, and figure a way to work around that, but if he doesn’t have a problem with her staying over at his house you don’t get a say in that.”- meancrochethook
“It’s only been two months.”
“If you are this uncomfortable with his mother sleeping on his couch, at least you know their relationship dynamic this early on.”
“Worry about setting boundaries for yourself, like leaving, rather than policing the relationship between a mother and her son(s).”- Xilften00
“Did you even ask your bf if he likes his mom staying.”
“Or that he planed to have his mom stay over.”
“Also the 1st time she stayed she was helping him move so it may of been easier for her to stay.”-Traditional_Theory63
“I would say you are a little bit YTA.”
“Understand you find this weird.”
“But you only been dating for 2 months.”
“And you don’t live with him.”
“So if he’s okay with his mom stopping by.”
“Then that’s between him and her.”
“Now after you date it for a while and you decide to move in with them then that’s when you open the lines of communication.”
“But until then just learn to deal with it and work around it.”
“But do talk to him about it if you feel that uncomfortable.”
“But sorry honey you haven’t been going out long enough to value opinion.”- SnooChipmunks3950
“It’s a bit premature for you to ask your bf to set boundaries with his mom.”
“You have only been dating for two months and don’t live together.”
“If you have a problem with his mom staying over, then go home to your own apartment.”-level 1
“Simply because you haven’t been around long enough to make this an issue and you don’t have any claim over his apartment.”
“Discuss with your bf directly and ask him if this will be a common occurrence if it bothers you.”
“You’re too early on to be demanding boundaries in an apartment that isn’t yours but early enough to make a decision on whether or not this is something you’re willing to stick around for longer term.”-ShantilyClad
“Why don’t you go home on those days?”- Overall-Hour-5809
“You have been seeing him for 2 months.”
“Calm TF down.”
“If you try and force him to choose between his mother and youl the chick he has been seeing for two months, he is going to choose his mother.”
“And how do you know it is unannounced?”
“Maybe it’s unplanned, or last minute, but what makes you so sure that it is unannounced?”-floppybunny86
“His mom sleeping over is a bit weird.”
“But I find it weirder to practically move in with a guy that you’ve only been dating for two months, and think you have any say in his relationship with his mom.”
“If you are uncomfortable, you can go back to your own place for the night.”-Thesafflower
“And if you’re this judge 2 months into this relationship, I shudder to think what you’ll be like 2 years in.”
“You’re protecting whatever insecurities you have onto his relationship with his mother.”
“Honestly I think you’re the one who stays over far too often for an 8 week relationship.”- Lion-Competitive
“you’ve been in his life for like 5 minutes compared to his mother.”
“If your goal is to make his family hate you then good joc.”
“This relationship has no future if you think you can control his family when you’re barely even his gf.”-lucimme
“YTA for worrying about, fretting over, where his mom is sleeping after only two months of dating.”
“Just go back to your own place and enjoy your peace.”
“Do I think it is odd?”
“Yes, but that is me.”
“That is their business.”
“And if he doesn’t mind his mom there especially since your relationship is VERY new, 2 months, then you already know how he feels.”- NCKALA
Some, however were a little more sympathetic towards the OP, believing that this could be a sign early in their relationship that this simply wasn’t meant to be.
“Nah you’ve been together 8 weeks and discovered that he’s not the kind of guy you want to be with.”
“Break up.”- Starfleet_Intern
“2 months is not nearly long enough for you to think that you get input into his relationship with his mom.”
“However, his mom spending the night a couple of times a month when she lives so close is awfully clingy.”
“That relationship is much closer than it ought to be and probably not too healthy.”
“I wouldn’t invest too much into this relationship until you get a better handle on his relationship with his mother.”-
The fact that the OP doesn’t seem even the slightest bit sympathetic to her boyfriend’s mother suggests that she isn’t very concerned about making a good impression.
Leaving one to wonder if this relationship will last any longer than two months?
Only time will tell.