Addictions come in all sorts of flavors.
We talk a lot about food addictions, shopping addictions and drug addictions.
But anything that gives us pleasure can be addictive.
We end up yearning for whatever thrill we get from whatever thing we’ve fixated on.
Videogames, baseball, or work can be just as habit forming.
So, what happens when the habit prevents someone from being there for a loved one on their worst day and you find out about it?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) throwparking3245 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
“AITA for taking a picture of my sister’s husband’s car outside of his workplace and sending to her?”
OP began with tragic news.
“My (female,25) dad passed away days ago.”
“My sister’s husband (male,31) said he couldn’t be present for the funeral because he had to go on a business trip out of town which made my sister more devastated.”
“She’s got so much on her plate, pregnancy; my nephew and now dad’s death.”
“BIL is a grade A workaholic and it’s affected his social life but he refuses to admit it.”
Then she explained the situation at hand.
“The day of the funeral.”
“My boyfriend was the one driving us.”
Everything was okay, until…
“We drove past my BIL’s workplace at 8 pm and saw his car in the parking lot.”
“I couldn’t believe it I know his car will since he used to drive me to school with it sometimes.”
“I took a picture of it and sent it to my sister.”
“My sister was losing it so my boyfriend suggested we bail.”
“He dropped me off at my friend’s house and later I found out that my sister found that her husband was in town the entire time but lied so he didn’t have to skip work for the funeral.”
“There was a huge blow-up and he called me yelling saying I had no business ‘stalking’ him at his workplace and taking pictures of his vehicle.”
“My family are mad at him but also at me because they said I stirred sh*t and caused my sister more sister now that she’s arguing with BIL about him purposely missing the funeral.”
“My boyfriend said I did the right thing.”
OP was left to wonder,
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some pointed out where the blame really belonged.
“Your BIL lied and he was caught.”
“Liars always end up getting caught anyway.”
“He doesn’t sound like a great BIL anyway; I mean leaving his pregnant & grieving wife with a small child bc he doesn’t want to miss work? Is he trying to cure cancer?” ~ Huge_Industry_1259
“I’m not certain any amount of money would excuse his presence at his FILs funeral.”
“Even if the dude was really not okay with funerals, or death, etc. He could have easily helped with other preparations and watched his child while wife was at the service.”
“He just sounds like an a**hole tbh?” ~ Edgy-in-the-Library
Others pointed out that one lie leads to another.
“BIL was lying and got caught.”
“Also, if he was supposedly ‘out of town’ where was he spending the nights? WHO was he spending the night with?” ~ ParticularReview4129
“Fr I was sitting here thinking ‘well I hope he’s just a workaholic'”
“Not that this makes it any better, just to be clear.” ~ cheechie64
“I dated a workaholic who was always cancelling on me last minute and could never make plans more than a few days in advance.”
“A year after we broke up he got in contact about reconnecting. A quick Facebook check revealed he had a girlfriend.”
“Lightbulb moment – pretty sure he wasn’t working when he cancelled plans. He was with someone else.” ~ Anxious-Marketing525
One comment condemned BIL while explaining a joke.
“I feel like it is a wash.”
“Affair partners have limits; work has none.”
“I can’t remember the exact details of the joke – you have three people talking about whether it is better to have a wife or mistress.”
“Different versions of the joke could be different professions, different departments, whatever.”
“The one who is associated with conservative stolid-ness says wife, because it is the proper, approved way to do things, it checks all the boxes, it follows the established guidelines.”
“The one who is associated with creativity says mistress, because there is mystery, secrets, romance, intrigue.”
“And the one who is associated most closely with hard work says it is best to have both, shocking the other two who never expected it of him.”
“Well, certainly, he explains: you tell your wife you are seeing your mistress, you tell your mistress you are with your wife, and then you can go to the office/lab/whatever and get some work done in peace.”
“Affairs can end. Work won’t.” ~ IanDOsmond
Not everyone saw OP as the hero of the story though,
“Nah, I say ESH because she says in the post when sister got (rightfully) upset at the revelation the boyfriend and OP bailed on the funeral too.”
“ESH except the sister.” ~ ryeong
“I think OP should have held this for a bit or at least sat the sister down to let her know what she saw.”
“The day of the funeral the sister was an emotional mess.”
“I’m not sure that was the correct time to send her a text message letting her know that her husband betrayed her by lying and potentially more.” ~ Electrical-Date-3951
“I absolutely agree.”
“And not just for the sake of the sister, for everyone attending it.”
“The family is on OP’s a*s because I’m sure the news made the funeral go from a peaceful goodbye to one destroyed by a drama bomb.”
“I would be LIVID if I was saying goodbye to a loved one and the funeral turned into something out of Jerry Springer.” ~ RedRosettesss
Some pointed out a more fundamental problem with the conversation itself.
“Of course Reddit would suspect cheating.”
“Everything is cheating, always.”
“Even if the person is straight and they have a best friend of the same sex, it’s cheating. Even if Op says they can’t be cheating, it’s cheating.”
“Even if, in this case, there is literally a persons car at their place of work at 8pm, that person is cheating. Working all the time?”
“Sure. But also cheating”
“God d*mn I hate Reddit sometimes” ~ WunWegWunDarWun_
“Ehh, maybe, but some people are legitimately workaholics.”
“Like, ignore their families, miss events, work themselves into an early grave workaholics.”
“Nothing about this scream cheating besides our societal need to assume everything is about sex.” ~ PMKN_spc_Hotte
“‘Our societal need to assume everything is about sex”‘
“This is the most annoying part of our society imo, something definitely needs to be done about it” ~ Humanmode17
Of course there were personal stories too,
“My mom is this way.”
“A narcissist and a complete workaholic licensed practical nurse.”
“Worked 80-100 hours a week REGULARLY.”
“I preferred it because at least if she was constantly working she didn’t have time to abuse us.”
“Hell my worst childhood moments always were when my mom had a day off work and wasn’t tired or sleeping and could thus concentrate on how much she hated us or how much we weren’t good enough for her.” ~ bexyrex
“Yeah I have lied about having to go out of town to keep working I didn’t buy a hotel room.”
“I just stayed at my desk all night.”
“I would do stuff like avoid going on dates that I actually wanted to go on with someone I really liked.”
“Work was an excuse to hide.”
“I hated my job too.”
“90 hour work weeks because there was always something that needed doing. I had so many excuses on why it was important and why it had to be me.”
“But it’s easy to hide your emotions and life and bury yourself in a task.”
“It’s not a good way to live.”
“Recovery is possible. I still find old habits creep up when I am stressed but concrete work boundaries and it took me years to stick to them.”
“Hell I am blowing off work right now.” ~ SpiritualBar2469
Commenters made a particular point that OP did nothing wrong.
“‘they said I stirred sh*t'”
“NTA and this type of thinking needs to die. Using that metaphor, you couldn’t stir sh*t if he hasn’t sh*t all over his marriage and father-in-law. HE did this.”
“You did the right thing.”
“What did everyone expect you to do?”
“Wait to tell her and make her mad that you waited?”
“She needs to know her husband sucks.”
“I’ve lost both parents so let me assure you that you did not make that day worse for your sister. As you know now all too well it is already terrible so more doesn’t really affect it too much.”
“Hope you are holding up okay. You’ve been through a lot. Take care of yourself right now in any way you can.” ~ BendingCollegeGrad
“NTA you did the right thing. There is nobody to blame but himself.” ~ HPNerd44
Addiction disorders are real and insidious.
They can manifest through anything that gives us a release and can easily get out of hand.
If you find that something in your life is becoming all-consuming, to the exclusion of everything else, please seek help.
It can be scary to admit that you’ve got a problem you can’t fix on your own – even to yourself – but those that love you will have your back.